nocti

You could always buy them this and turn it upside-down.

"It was me." - Shaggy

Speaking of issues being avoided, how about the one of white privilege? If you're white, you should be ashamed you disgusting fuckers. But don't take my word for it, watch this MTV documentary, coming soon crackers! http://uk.complex.com/pop-culture/2015/07/white-people-mtv-documentary-trailer

I personally like where Rev's head is at. Also, in an age where HD cameras are cheap as chips, and on pretty much every mobile device going anyway, why the fuck are these videos always so grainy and shite? That looks like it could've been filmed on a fucking calculator.

Clickbait articles are currently encouraging us all to do our bit, and help Greece out by going on holiday there, but remember to take our own Euros over instead of withdrawing money their side Brilliant.

"No I won't be in your fucking advert, I've got plenty of money thanks." - Kerry Katona

I didn't know if that was someone's name or you'd fell asleep on the keyboard whilst starting the nom. Fuck me. I'll betray my ignorance once again and admit I have no idea who the cunt is, although you've painted a rather bellendrical picture of the daft bastard for me, so I shan't bother googling him.

"Right then cunts, let's make this album a good one." - Chris fuckwit Martin

"The first thing that attracted me was your personality." - Amanda Holden

You dirty spying little bastard.

I'm usually not one for the rather stereotypically British thing of chatting constantly about the weather, but when you need to peel your ballbag off your inner thigh every ten seconds, you know the clouds have fucked off for a bit. At least when it's cold you can put a few more layers on or whack the heating on when it gets desperate. In this you've got fuck all, except moist balls and a social media news feed full of cunts who think they are Michael Fish. Cheers for the heads up cunts, I was just about to go to work in a fur-lined coat.

His plate, perhaps?

We could've bumped shoulders without realising it. Although post-GHUA I've been a little sketchy

I hear, through reputable sources, that he was detained after cartwheeling naked through the streets of York, fingering his arsehole whilst singing Dire Straits songs. He began to put his fist in at the chorus of "Sultans of Swing" when they cuffed him. I wish him well and hope he makes a swift return. Absinthe is one hell of a drink.

I've started paying far more attention to how the weather is in Mexico. I can't seem to understand why.

I offer a slight pat on the back to this unfunny cunt for fucking up the performance of someone who self-proclaims themselves, sans irony, as the next Jesus Christ. Hopefully he will follow up his Freddie Mercury impression with dying of AIDS, but it seems that even disease and illnesses are too clever to go near the fucking stupid cunt.

Apparently, London wants a piece of the action now... http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/glastonbury-2015-bring-festival-to-london-in-2023-says-labour-mp-gareth-thomas-10350367.html

"Approval needed". I'm older than all the spotty unevolved checkout staff collectively. Let me take my booze and fuck off you cunt. Rage Against the fucking Machine indeed.

Is that the one from that Tim Burton film?

Let this be a stark reminder to Brony that he too could end up like this. If he went on a fucking diet.

He apparently attributed his weight gain to the death of his mother. Did she come back as a ghost and shovel food down his fucking throat or something? Coincidence, surely, that suddenly every takeaway within a mile radius is now filing for bankruptcy.

As if the masses of unwashed tossers on social media aren't bad enough, boasting away about how muddy and fucked up they're gonna get, turns out his holiness the Dalai cunting Lama is en route too. I wonder if he will be playing mostly covers or his own material?

Get a fucking room, you two.

"That's enough gritty crime dramas and cookery programmes now for fucks sake. Turn it in." - Head of Programmes, BBC Television

Cuffing a dwarf. How could anyone stoop so low?