Major Cunt

Have you ever seen the eyewitness sketch of the George Harrison looking suspect seen in Portugal on that fateful night the McCann's decided to attend a swingers party, Stubbs?

That's a fair point. He never mentions Barrymore's pool party and the shenanigans that played out to Wham's Club Tropicana. I'll make sure that the escort's are on Bollinger pouring duty and also responsible for chopping up the Bolivian. At least that way there's less chance of him slipping us a Rohypnol.

Would you have slipped her length in her heyday, Peg? I definitely would have. I reckon she banged like a barn door in a force nine gale...

Another cunt with all the gear and no fucking idea. We could play a bit of Stock, Aiken, and Waterman here. Fuck know who's gonna be Waterman though. I'm thinking as he's got a few readies we could offer to produce him a quality comeback song. Obviously we'll be insisting on first class travel, the finest escort's, and a few other overheads. If he's not interested then sell him the Mac, but make sure you employ Panz's boy's so he's in for a suprise when it's plugged in.

You certainly don't get the banter we engage in here on 'Dogs on Acid'. It's mainly full of fucking halfwits with all the gear and no idea. Some fucker was asking me about recreating the Tramen break. I said that you could if you wanted but it's a compound of three different breaks so why not just layer the hits differently, and use one of the different kicks and snares. Voilà - you've now created an original break. I love to use the crash on the amen and have found that layering a cymbal over it sounds refreshing and catchy. I love hardware but it has now become so expensive compared to it's cost 10 years ago. An Akia sampler is definitely on the list due to the unique sound. Nice one for the tip regarding Eve Audio - I'll check them out. Frank's gonna piss his white chinos after reading our exchange as the man's under the illusion he's a musician. Definitely a Liberace though.

Fair play. My first set-up was also an Atari accompanied by an Akia S900 I believe and a Korg keyboard with the obligatory Cubase. I'm not a classically trained musician, but if a notes off then my ears pick it up. Obviously over the years I've learnt octaves and semitones, and various chords. Jungle has always been my passion and I've been fortunate enough to have some of my tunes pushed by artists I rate. I'd love to live next door to Judge so that I could crank the KRK's up whilst knocking out a 40hz sub-bline. That's a nice set-up you've got there mate, and if you haven't used Ableton yet then I suggest you have a butchers. It's work flow and stock plugins are shit hot.

Unfortunately I received another ban after seeing off some cretin who was giving it the large, and the führer hammered me. I know my way around a studio after starting to dabble in production in the late 90's, and then jumped back into it about ten years ago. The good thing is that any cunt can make a tune these day's but the bad thing is that anyone can also make a tune. I've been really meaning to put some more commitment in this year, but generally just do duplates for mates who play out. The Valve System is fucking quality and I've been fortunate to hear it a few times. Check out 'Something I Feel' by Lemon D. Do you produce yourself mate?

Indeed. The break work is phenomenal and chopped to perfection. Lemon and Dillinja are the masters of compression. Any excuse for a line old boy.

Got a feeling you'll appreciate this one, Raster's!

I reckon the beret wearing commie is probably residing at the Bangkok Hilton. After spunking all his student loan on ladyboy's he was made an offer he couldn't refuse. "You like it here Bill, don't you?" Just drop off this suitcase in Phuket, and I can assure you that you'll never pay for a back scuttle again. Let's just hope that the king grants him clemency in ten years time, and he manages to kick his prison acquired smack habit.

Dunno much about him, Wolf, but if his comments here are anything to go by then I'd imagine sleep apnea was the case. After slipping into his crocks for a Horlicks and deciding upon a late night peruse he was fortunate not to encounter the 3am club. Although most of these former punters are either detained under the mental health act, doing bird, or hiding out in South East Asia, but you never know...

I like you, Stubbs, but staying up late to listen to cricket on the wireless is unacceptable. Even watching it makes you a complete cunt. It's the most mind numbingly boring team sport behind curling. Personally I'd suggest that you start watching the UFC. No fight lasts longer than 25 minutes, and even if you stepped into the octagon with a cricket bat you'd still get battered harder than a pool guest at Barrymore's.

I've missed your unique knee slapping one liners, Franco. You'll always be craftier than a shit-house rat, and lower than a snakes belly. Take some solace in that, you crane-fly legged mince cunt!

What was the thinking behind your Calvo moniker, Pen? Did he have a cock to rival a shire horse, and shovel sized hands incapable of holding a Biro, but more than a match for your Crewe conga. Lol...

Finally. As I happened to spot a bloke standing on the bonnet of his MK2-M5 while attempting to persuade festive spruce lovers that the curvature of the earth starts in Mare Street. He was also sporting a jade coloured tracksuit whilst downloading the teaching's of the sun god - strangely reminiscent of David Icke on Wogan.

What the fucks happened to you, Herr Oberst? I receive a ban and hear the gates slam behind me. I felt like Fletch in 'Porridge' but lacking a Godber or Groutie this sentence was tedious to say the least. "Johnnie come lately cunt", indeed. I'm gonna let it slide this once, Oberst, but if it happens again I'll be informing the Anti-terror command that your regular Essex to London sorties are in fact recce flights. Sort your fucking self out!

He's certainly a bungalow dwelling, hopeless alcoholic that will probably rival George Best in the liver transplant stakes, but I've never had him down as a shirt-lifter. The sites either taken a complete nosedive in quality recently (likely, upon reviewing the month's I've missed), or Drew's cut down to 25 units a day as I was staggered to find him topping the leaderboard yesterday. I've also noticed a proliferation in newbie spackers.

Rebel without a Jew. Happy New Year, Ed.

Don't flatter yourself, Jew-boy. You've only ever brought tears to my eyes through laughter, but never sorrow. If you bothered to read my above post then you might have picked up on the sage advice that could free you from the triangular shackle, but then again you're not that bright. Personally I blame the Yiddish education system for drilling into your gammon the dubious six million figure. You're comfortable playing the victim card as it's in the tribes blood. How about putting your fat hands in your pocket and bunging the Fuhrer a few shekels. I know that you're inherently a tight cunt so I'm prepared to tick you the fee. No need to thank me, obviously!

I'd imagine that a freshly liberated Treblinka inmate complained less of their fate than you. For a cripple that's apparently so smart you've failed to grasp the concept of the more you moan the longer you're muzzled. Considering that this has been going on for over a year I'm drawing the conclusion that you really ain't that bright. The peacefull's will allegedly fuck anything. So next time you're short for a four pack of Special Brew just offer Abdul that fat Jewish arse you speak of. No need to thank me.

Frank's bunged the CPS a few drachmas in an attempt to overturn your not guilty verdict. Apparently there's an Irishman who's not only corroborating his claims, but is also in possession of new evidence originally missed in the first investigation. I'm sure that it's not what you'd like to hear at the beginning of a New Year, but the presiding judge seems to be fair and I'm willing to take the stand in your defence. Gutted that I was doing porridge during the first trial.

Indeed. The backwards bog-trotter seems to be more obsessed with Brexit than Nige Farage, and more abreast with it's developments than Boris (not exactly difficult as covid seems to have reduced his IQ to 25). I'm hoping that this year Panz can finally drop his tedious news updates, and start regaling us with tales of the porkers he's shafted in the 1989 Transit passion wagon again. I'm obviously not going to hold my breath as there's probably more chance of him finally getting his permed mullet restyled.

Enough of this shit, Paddybaby. In a past life I held the rank of major in military intelligence, and was instrumental in passing on the funeral details of the ASU slotted by the SAS in Gibraltar to the loyalists. The plan was to take out Adams and McGuiness by the graveside, but we didn't take in to account Stone's incredibly poor hand to eye coordination. Let's hope it doesn't all kick off again, but if it does I'll be personally informing the security services about the cache of AK-47's you're hiding in that Limerick bedsit you call home.

Did your carer's adorn the scooter with a star of David this Christmas, Jewdith? Also have you been receiving my various PM's regarding the Rothschild's, Rockefeller's, Bilderberg Group, and other related Christ killer activities? I didn't expect a reply to be fair as it was probably filtered by the furher using the Proper-whizz-bang-anti-semitic-message-algorithim. Shalom!

Yawn. You've fucked yourself here, son, but call the old bill if you like. I'm waiting.