Guest Keith Lard Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 Last weekend at my local pub the landlord was holding the annual pie-eating contest for the punters. The prize was £250 and as I was wanting to buy the new Wii U console I decided to enter the contest. However I felt full after my breakfast, brunch, lunch, and my trip to KFC and I felt that the other contestants have an advantage over me. So I decided to sneak behind the gazebo where the pies are and add my secret ingredient to them. As the contest started everyone started eating their pies. However no-one can finish their first pies and began to spit, dribble, or vomit. I, however, carried on eating my pies and I won the contest as everybody else forfeit. After the landlord gave me the prize money his wife took the taste of one of the leftover pies and screamed “There is cum in that pie!” I then legged it before anybody at the pub find out that I tainted the pies with my love juice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 The only shooting you do is into a Kleenex, fatty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Keith Lard Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 The only shooting you do is into a Kleenex, fatty. I'm not fat! My body is just more adjusted to love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 You know what, Broneyo, I don't believe this story. There was no cum, there was no contest. You just ate the pies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 I'm not fat! My body is just more adjusted to love. The most romantic thing you could do for me is to throw up your food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 This comes as no surprise to me Keith, as I've always had you down as a fat pie-eating cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 I'm not fat! My body is just more adjusted to love. You are extremely rotund. After insulting my mother in a different nomination, I have decided that it is time that I stopped going easy on you. What you did was just imagine this whole scenario. If you did what you say then I really think you are a good reason to bring back the stocks. Or maybe the ducking stool. I admit this is slightly more entertaining than the pony shit you go on about, but next time stick your little winky in a fresh out of the oven jam or treacle tart. They will be the only tarts you will ever put your tiny little cock in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 You seem to always try to convince us you can jizz in the proportions of an elephant, quite a feat for a jaffa. I would assume the true story to go somewhat like " I sneaked in and laced all the pies and won the contest due then mistakenly being given the shit laden pies and the other contestants being a tad put off by the site of shit dripping from my bottom lip". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 It is how or why he thinks-up such things, which is most disturbing. I am concerned that he is an accident just waiting to happen. Have we a doctor in the house? Preferably an advocate of frontal lobotomy's. Yeah a permanent solution like that would be the only viable option, heavy medication regime would be either forgotten or open to abuse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 ... Looking at his ears, EST is a strong contender.A set of jump-leads wired up to a three-pin 13 amp plug should suffice.13 amps is no good, he needs connecting to the main grid. It would have to be pylon fed with steel girder connection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 ... Looking at his ears, EST is a strong contender. A set of jump-leads wired up to a three-pin 13 amp plug should suffice. As a qualified electrician I think we should cut the voltage to about 100 and increase the current in stages. This will give maximum burn before unconsciousness and then death sets in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 As a qualified electrician I think we should cut the voltage to about 100 and increase the current in stages. This will give maximum burn before unconsciousness and then death sets in.Not sure electricity is the answer,he's probably immune to it. He must have experienced it during creation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 If nothing else works we could lock him in Oscar Pistorius's toilet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 I prefer a slice of hairy pie myself. If you're going to assume shaving duty on Mrs. Londonm, might I suggest you use a safety razor, instead of the traditional straight razor? You don't to fillet the pussy, or do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Bahhhh. To fuck with using Bic's and all of that old nancy bollocks. There is less bovver wiv a hover, or some Zippo lighter fuel and a box of Swan Vesta. A Bic is utter shit. A GOOD razor. Can't go skint on everything when it comes to assisting to tending the garden. If she's already passed out, and bound at wrists and ankles, so be it, a cheapo razor will be fine. But if she's to be conscious for the thing, you have to act like you care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Judge likes KFC, buy him some and he might suck your cock. Only way to get it done reasonably quickly is make an appointment, he's a busy sucker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 If nothing else works we could lock him in Oscar Pistorius's toilet. Yeah, because keith is obviously a dead ringer for reeva von steerkampf, or whatever her name is. Or was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Yeah, because keith is obviously a dead ringer for reeva von steerkampf, or whatever her name is. Or was.Point taken, but I reckon Bronski would pass as a credible intruder who pistorius allegedly claims to of been using as target fodder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Bet he ain't ever cum in a hairy pie..... Cunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Not sure if judge has any hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted September 15, 2014 Report Share Posted September 15, 2014 What you saying? Like use my Remington re-chargeable shaver! Get out of here. That's for my arm-pits, if you please and for trimming our little 'Lucky' the Jack Russel, when she's in season. Get a disposable gent's razor. Those poncey fucking girl razors are shit. That's why they don't do the job themselves. If it's going to be done right, a bloke has to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted August 3, 2017 Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 This was one of the nominations from 2014.... Amazing what our admin team put with then....... lol. Fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted August 3, 2017 Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 On 13/09/2014 at 1:55 PM, ducunti said: Not sure if judge has any hair. I remember you, amazing as it sounds. A boring fucking nonentity with a prolific outpouring of shite. I'm glad you've bored yourself to death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted August 3, 2017 Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 2 minutes ago, Punkape said: This was one of the nominations from 2114.... Amazing what our admin team put with then....... lol. Fuck off. What's more disturbing is why a grubby little freak like you is resurrecting noms about people eating spunk-filled pies. Fucking poof. Fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted August 3, 2017 Report Share Posted August 3, 2017 2 minutes ago, Ape said: What's more disturbing is why a grubby little freak like you is resurrecting noms about people eating spunk-filled pies. Fucking poof. Fuck off. I thought you would appreciate this depaved nom from Keith Lard. lol. Fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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