Jiggerycock Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 They're pedometers! They're heart-rate monitors! They can calculate your BMI! They can Bluetooth data to your phone so you can download and log all this information into a spreadsheet, which you can then roll up into a ball and stuff it up your arse! Get this (it'll knock your socks off)......they can tell you when you need to get up and move about a bit! By golly, I bet the next generation even has an app (everything has a cocking app these days) that writes a letter of complaint to the manufacturer when you die of Type 2 diabetes because you're a gimmick-worshiping, calorie-accumulating corpulent toad with more money than sense 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 Made by cunts. Used by cunts. Nominated by cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 I used to use an app to measure the distance I cy led to work. As I go the same way each day, the answer was always the same so I deleted it. No point in carrying the extra weight in my phone. Sent from my Android phone using mongtalk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 34 minutes ago, Manky said: I used to use an app to measure the distance I cy led to work. As I go the same way each day, the answer was always the same so I deleted it. No point in carrying the extra weight in my phone. Sent from my Android phone using mongtalk. You're a cyclist? You kept that quiet. The only thing you wear on your wrist are 'go faster' stripes to help with your masturbation addiction when the Tour de Manc is on - that and a protractor to show the precise angle your fist needs to be at to pour the eleventeenth pint of Watneys Red Barrel (which you've kept in a cellar since the mid 70's to re-enforce your gumby Northern stereotype persona) down your stupid neck of an evening. Have a Coke and a smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 Now you can buy an electric toothbrush with bluetooth to connect to your phone and the Oralb app on your mobile will tell you when your done cleaning your teeth. What a load of shite. Can't cunts clean their teeth without the help of their mobile fucking phone these days? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 28 minutes ago, Snatch said: Now you can buy an electric toothbrush with bluetooth to connect to your phone and the Oralb app on your mobile will tell you when your done cleaning your teeth. What a load of shite. Can't cunts clean their teeth without the help of their mobile fucking phone these days? Are you fucking serious? I thought it was a piss when they brought out electric toothbrushes in the first place, then they did ones with built in timers... now this? Ram the fucking phone into their mouths with a mash-hammer.. no teeth left, no brushing need, problem solved... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 6 minutes ago, DingTheDoggie!! said: Are you fucking serious? I thought it was a piss when they brought out electric toothbrushes in the first place, then they did ones with built in timers... now this? Ram the fucking phone into their mouths with a mash-hammer.. no teeth left, no brushing need, problem solved... Or, for the second time in this nom, ram the damn thing up their arse, give the gerbil there something to play with and something other than their teeth to fixate upon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 I developed an app that tells the user when they're being a cunt. Basically, every time it's activated its single line of code executes as follows: PRINT "You're a cunt" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 When I saw the title of this nom, I assumed neil had posted it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 9 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: I developed an app that tells the user when they're being a cunt. Basically, every time it's activated its single line of code executes as follows: PRINT "You're a cunt" I think you're onto something here! This has real scaleability in that (float with me on this) you could add a subroutine that doesn't just tell the user they are a cunt, but - and this is the money shot - it bluetooths everyone in the vicinity telling them they are a cunt! The next-generation one will have a voice synthesiser that facilitates sonic discourse along similar lines, with the user able to choose from a menu of 'voices' with bespoke messages (along the "You're a cunt") line. So for example you could have your app smoothly intoning "You're a cunt, sweetie" in the honeyed tones of Joanna Lumley say....or "Yoooo arrrrrrrgh....a...a....aaa.g cah-haant!" in the curious Esperanto of a Robert Peston. Course, we'd have to bung a few shekels at Peston and Lumley's 'peeps' for voice rights but.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 42 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said: I think you're onto something here! This has real scaleability in that (float with me on this) you could add a subroutine that doesn't just tell the user they are a cunt, but - and this is the money shot - it bluetooths everyone in the vicinity telling them they are a cunt! The next-generation one will have a voice synthesiser that facilitates sonic discourse along similar lines, with the user able to choose from a menu of 'voices' with bespoke messages (along the "You're a cunt") line. So for example you could have your app smoothly intoning "You're a cunt, sweetie" in the honeyed tones of Joanna Lumley say....or "Yoooo arrrrrrrgh....a...a....aaa.g cah-haant!" in the curious Esperanto of a Robert Peston. Course, we'd have to bung a few shekels at Peston and Lumley's 'peeps' for voice rights but.......... I "have" Joanna Lumley on my satnav..... "No darhling, turn around please, where possible.." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 2 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: I developed an app that tells the user when they're being a cunt. Basically, every time it's activated its single line of code executes as follows: PRINT "You're a cunt" I think it would be of great benefit to all if an addition to the app code was made instructing the cunt top him or herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 11 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: I think it would be of great benefit to all if an addition to the app code was made instructing the cunt top him or herself. Yes indeed - we could work out a sponsorship deal with Harpic or Jeyes Fluid or Nitromors Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 1 hour ago, DingTheDoggie!! said: I "have" Joanna Lumley on my satnav..... "No darhling, turn around please, where possible.." I had Joe Pesci on mine......"at the end of the motherfucking road turn right you fucking cunt". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 13 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: I had Joe Pesci on mine......"at the end of the motherfucking road turn right you fucking cunt". Somehow, I think Joanna "offering me another go" is a bit more soothing to my roadrage than Joe Pesci.... But each to their own...!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 Mine just says in a whiney god awful voice "I fucking told you you've gone the wrong way",I really must fuck the missus off and get a Garmin 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 5 hours ago, DingTheDoggie!! said: Are you fucking serious? I thought it was a piss when they brought out electric toothbrushes in the first place, then they did ones with built in timers... now this? Ram the fucking phone into their mouths with a mash-hammer.. no teeth left, no brushing need, problem solved... Afraid so Dingers. http://oralb.com/en-us/product-collections/bluetooth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 7 hours ago, Jiggerycock said: You're a cyclist? You kept that quiet. The only thing you wear on your wrist are 'go faster' stripes to help with your masturbation addiction when the Tour de Manc is on - that and a protractor to show the precise angle your fist needs to be at to pour the eleventeenth pint of Watneys Red Barrel (which you've kept in a cellar since the mid 70's to re-enforce your gumby Northern stereotype persona) down your stupid neck of an evening. Have a Coke and a smile. Shouldn't that be have some coke and smile? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 1 hour ago, Snatch said: Afraid so Dingers. http://oralb.com/en-us/product-collections/bluetooth Fucking hell.. sometimes I think ISIS and their "no tech" ideas might be right... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deebom Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 I've got an electric toothbrush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 3 hours ago, deebom said: I've got an electric toothbrush. So have I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 11 hours ago, deebom said: I've got an electric toothbrush. You might consider replacing it. I believe I saw Brony and Frank being naughty in a Rotherham car park with it. There was also a rather odd looking bloke holding a kebab in one hand, and his cock in the other. A traffic warden wrote me a fucking novel for the number of laws I broke making my escape from the ghastly scene! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MikeD Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 9 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said: You might consider replacing it. I believe I saw Brony and Frank being naughty in a Rotherham car park with it. There was also a rather odd looking bloke holding a kebab in one hand, and his cock in the other. A traffic warden wrote me a fucking novel for the number of laws I broke making my escape from the ghastly scene! So you just saw one person? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 10 hours ago, MikeD said: So you just saw one person? One person, but two different but incredibly dim personalities having a go at a riposte exchange of quips and insults while stabbing each others shitter with the electric toothbrush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ollyboro Posted February 12, 2016 Report Share Posted February 12, 2016 Our lass got one of these last year. Fortunately she's now lost interest, but for a couple of months.....fucking Hell. She was joining competitions with cunts from all over the World. This meant taking the long way home from the boozer, the shops, the Post box, work etc etfuckingcetera- just to get more fucking steps in. One day we walked 20 odd miles (up Roseberry fucking Topping and back, I'll have you know) so she could get her 60000 steps badge!! Clearly I'd turned into a cunt too. But, here's the thing: Some cunt on the Fitbit Facebook group reckoned she was doing 2 MILLION steps a day!! Do the fucking maths. If our Lass had to walk 20 miles to do 60 thousand steps, this lying cunt would have had to have walked about 800 miles in a day to have done 2 million steps, Assuming the cunt wasn't a fucking centipede.... Not fucking possible. The bitch would have had to have walked at a steady 33 mph for 24 hours solid to have done this. When our lass pointed this out, a bunch of cunts accused her of being overly negative by not encouraging the -no doubt- fat cunt. Not that I'm still bothered or owt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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