scotty Posted June 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 "ooh, this is kinky!" said my wife as I finished handcuffing her wrists and ankles to the bed. "Just remember," I told her, "the safe word is 'purple'." "Ok," she smiled. I said "not that you'll be able to say much while you're being waterboarded." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 "I'm glad Cliff Richard has been cleared," said my wife. "You always remind me of him." "Really?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. "You're shortsighted and nearly dead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 My wife is in hospital after being beaten up for using the 'N' word. Next time I ask for a beer from the fridge, she had better use the 'Y' word. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 On 12/06/2016 at 5:43 PM, Bill Stickers said: I fucking hate you snatch. Fuck off. Tell someone who gives a fuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Wife:. That lovely young mrs. Jones is out of the women's shelter today, just look at the black eyes she's still got. I wonder what she'll do now? Husband:. The dishes if the bitch knows what's good for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 8 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: Wife:. That lovely young mrs. Jones is out of the women's shelter today, just look at the black eyes she's still got. I wonder what she'll do now? Husband:. The dishes if the bitch knows what's good for her. Hilarious. Out of likes I'm afraid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 I called the emergency line from the lift. "Where is the elevator stuck, sir?" asked the operator. "It's not," I said. "But can you turn this fucking music off?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 18, 2016 Report Share Posted June 18, 2016 For an older woman she seemed fit enough for drunken Doug. She pulled him back to her flat where they disrobed each other instantly. Doug was entranced by the old birds still rather perky tits, so he took one in his mouth and gave it an earnest suck. Within moments his mouth was full of her milk, which excited him even more. He asked the old cougar "luv, aren't you a bit old to be having milk?" She said "yes dear, but I'm not too old to have cancer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2016 I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice, "A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. " They threw me out. Told me I was bard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2016 I finished going down on my girlfriend, and she snuggled up to to me. "Tell me," she whispered shyly, "what do I taste like down there?" I thought for a moment. "Do you remember that holiday in the Bahamas, when we got up at midnight and went for a moonlit swim?" I asked. "Well, that's what you taste of...beautiful, warm, crystal clear seawater....." "Oh, what a lovely thing to say," she sniffled. "...that somebody's pissed in," I said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 19, 2016 Report Share Posted June 19, 2016 @Punkape @southerncunt A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CuntyMcCunterson Posted June 19, 2016 Report Share Posted June 19, 2016 I walked in on my senile Grandmother sticking a carrot up her dusty old snatch today, and said "Arrrrr Nan…what the fuck? I was gonna eat that later……it'll just taste of carrots now' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 20, 2016 Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't said twice already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 The policeman knocked on my door. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this Sir, but it looks as if your wife has been involved in a car crash." I said "I already know that, we've been married for twenty years." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 (edited) 13 hours ago, Bubbles said: @Punkape @southerncunt A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you need one to get into Australia any more." Alternative punchline. The British man replies "Yes. There's a copy of Two Little Boys in my suitcase" Edited June 20, 2016 by Mrs Roops Please do not alter quotes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 20, 2016 Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 7 minutes ago, Bubbles said: A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it. Leave scrotes out of this, bubbles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 20, 2016 Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 4 minutes ago, scotty said: Leave scrotes out of this, bubbles. He's dead, it was a fucking awful service too. Fois gras, Pringles and Ribena, what a pathetic lonely cunt he truly was. Vivre, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 3 minutes ago, Bubbles said: He's dead, it was a fucking awful service too. Fois gras, Pringles and Ribena, what a pathetic lonely cunt he truly was. Vivre, etc. I wouldn't mind a trip to the funeral, that sounds like gourmet cuisine to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 20, 2016 Report Share Posted June 20, 2016 1 minute ago, scotty said: I wouldn't mind a trip to the funeral, that sounds like gourmet cuisine to me. It was last week, sorry. Do you think ding will get my latest joke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted June 21, 2016 Report Share Posted June 21, 2016 On 20/06/2016 at 8:25 PM, Bubbles said: It was last week, sorry. Do you think ding will get my latest joke? You'll have to tell me which post was the joke and which was the abysmal dross first...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 21, 2016 Report Share Posted June 21, 2016 Just now, DingTheRioja said: You'll have to tell me which post was the joke and which was the abysmal dross first...? Terrible Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted June 21, 2016 Report Share Posted June 21, 2016 Just now, Bubbles said: Terrible Yes it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2016 Just been invited to my first transvestite party!! I'm made up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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