Cuntybaws

I see what you did there.

If?

Probably for the best that you weren't here when that Eton schoolboy was killed by a polar bear. I drank a few Crestas that night.

This is no sort of constructive response. @Roadkill is fucking slaughtering you here, what are you going to DO about it? "LOL", the last refuge of the incompetent.

Now the useless little spunk trumpet and his TfL lackeys are pissing away a fuckton of money on a "rebrand" of the overground network, having selected six new names that supposedly reflect the history of London. To ensure that everyone can get straight to the righteous indignation without having to read the entire fawning BBC "News" article, here are the highlights: Lionness Line - fucking dykes Mildmay Line - fucking poofs Windrush line - fucking blacks Weaver Line - fucking Shylocks Suffragette Line - more fucking dykes Liberty Line - fuck only knows London Overground: New names for its six lines revealed

Forget the chocolate, Harold, just whip out the Viagra and rage, rage against the dying of the light instead. On a semi-related note, I am worried by your use of "unhamstered" above. On second thought, perhaps DON'T whip out the Viagra, eh?

Fuck my old boots, it's Miss fucking Marple.

At the last Winter Olympics Africa was represented by just six athletes from five countries, all in skiing events: Eritrea, Ghana, Madagascar, Morocco and Nigeria. The theory is that black people can't afford all that expensive winter sports equipment, and obviously when raiding Sports Direct during a riot bobsleighs are in short supply and a bit too heavy to carry anyway.

Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Tufty!

Now that fox hunting is banned, packs of hounds could chase down black people instead. I mean, they might be escaped slaves so best not to take any chances.

Don't believe any of that bollocks you hear about it being for removing a stone from a horse's hoof. That rhyming slang is actually a clue to its real purpose, which is removing hamsters from a boyfriend's rectum.

See also: Aeschylus. The only death I can find involving a poodle at terminal (geddit?) velocity was an Argentinian woman in 1988. Two other deaths also resulted indirectly from that same incident.

"I know it's not long past the winter solstice, but do you mind if I wear my sunglasses in your dimly lit, dingy establishment?" "They're actually for a medical condition" "Yes, that's right, cancer."

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife. Now, fuck off.

She has to spout this line, though, given her target demographic. It's a bit like Idris Elba claiming that zombie knives aren't a "monocultural" problem. I mean, good on him for lending his voice to the issue at all, but he's fooling nobody with that particular shite, just because 0.0001% of offenders may not be black. He's the anti-Dolezal.

Or Nkechi Amare Diallo, her latest self-adopted Nigerian name. The logical conclusion of the semi-homeopathic notion that even 0.0001% of African genetic heritage means that you're African, regardless of appearance, is that the entire population of the world can claim to be black thanks to those australopithecine cunts. In which case, where's my fucking compo, eh?

At least CH and ELC have their moments, albeit few and far between. It's just about worth digging through their shite for the odd nugget of sweetcorn.

She's pulled a lot of trains.

Traditionally, it's The Sydney Arms.

I'm a pussycat really.

This is what you get when you tell an AI to write an article for a red top newspaper, having first disabled the "no stupid cunts" filter. Based on this nomination I also have my suspicions that Fender has been replaced by just such an AI. How else might one explain the lack of references to nuns and/or hammers.

You rang?

She's been laid up ever since an altercation with King Billy got out of hand over the festive period.

In the olden days they used to simply sense our disapproval, which shamed them into upping their game. Now they have to be explicitly instructed to kill themselves,