Decimus

Consider yourself suitably ironed.

Ressurecting twenty or so dead nominations about queers, faggots and poofs. Imagine if you will, a 'Graham Norton Show' montage on the TV and you can't find the remote to stop the agony as it's shoved twelve inches up your arsehole. That was the level of sheer homsexual terror induced by his tompoofery.

Unfortunately, I live relatively close to the festering anal sore that is the ridiculously named "Great" Yarmouth. For completely unfathomable reasons known only to readers of The Daily Express, July and August sees the place awash with absolute fucking scum who make the locals appear like well adjusted, affluent members of society. I'm getting a first hand experience of this terrifying phenomena whilst on a train home after a quick trip into Norwich, and it is absolutely packed full of these time-warp pieces of shit. Despite the fact that no sane person has holidayed in GY since the 1970's and the advent of cheap foreign package holidays, swarms of these cunts are almost hanging out the windows, desperately clutching hold of handfuls of Sun Holiday 50p vouchers. All the usual suspects are here, pearly kings and queens straight off the London train, fucking stinking of poverty, shoulder-to-shoulder with their northern compatriots who are for the most part tattooed apes decked out in Doncaster Rovers t-shirts. If I had my choice, anyone too poor to even afford a weekend away in one of Withers' goose shit infested gites, would be summarily executed and buried with a fistful of Yarmouth rock shoved up their arse.

I'd say that this nom could be the start of The Corner's very own DSMO style Mary Beard moment. However, I doubt that this pit-digging northern fucking pig has the intelligence to engage in any sort of litigious nonsense.

For want of anything better to do and bored to fucking tears with The Corner indulging in one of its periodic navel-gazing Punkape phases, I've put on a documentary about Ancient Egypt. G&T in hand, I sat down ready to be soothed by the stentorian tones of some bellowing fucking toff condescending to entertain and inform the filthy masses. Imagine my absolute fucking consternation when the voiceover broke over the vista of the pyramids and it was some fucking cunt who sounded exactly like Vera Duckworth attempting to stumble through a read through of Carry on Cleo. I soon realised that all was lost when the she-northerner eventually revealed itself to be some sort of Ronald McDonald inspired, wild haired fucking dog. It was the BBC of course.

Apparently, there's absolutely no truth that the media and the western political system are disproportionately influenced by a tiny cabal of Jews, and to suggest so is antisemitic. This story quite clearly indicates that a tiny cabal of Jews are able to influence one of the largest political parties in Europe by applying a disproportionate amount of pressure upon them. However, to congratulate them on their success and influence would be antisemitic. Instead, I extend to the Jews a heartfelt wish that Israel burns to the fucking ground and that they're all pushed back into the sea.

Regardless of our shared heritage, I imagine that after one pint of Guiness I'll end up sticking a shiv in his throat.

I'll be coming back to the ancestral sod soon, PanzyO'Knacker. Fancy getting together to sing the ballad of Kevin Barry and shoot the shit about Brexit? To be sure.

I imagine that you have all the sartorial subtlety of Elton John. If it's not outrageously flamboyant, pink and doesn't have a wild-west style arse-flap, you're not interested.

I have absolutely no doubt that they love flicking a "male". I'll assume that you're on your iPhone again, hence the typo. Lol.

Indeed. I've only ever come across this phrase whilst reading the Inspector Rebus novels. So either Judge is a sweaty, or he's capable of reading things more substantial than the front page of The Daily Express. He's definitely a kilt-lifting bender.

The biggest question here is that if you despise the thought of having your ringpiece torn in two, what the hell are you doing spending your weekend evenings hanging around well known homosexual hotspots?

Thank fuck we've all been blessed with your razor sharp intellect and deduction skills! For a moment there, I thought I was being too subtle. Idiot.

If his aunty had Baws, he'd be your bastard. And I don't believe that you'd ever produce a child that, let's be frank, displays all the hallmarks of autism apart from the savant ability to rival the combined knowledge of the Encyclopedia Brittanica and Mrs Roops' Google cookie cache.

You're talking to the largest collector of animal pornography in the country. If you want strange, you've come to the right place, you disgusting little maggot.

Despite spending your formative years creeping in and out of Mark Durden-Smith's bedroom on your tippy-toes, you obviously never swapped family photos and anecdotes. Whore.

He was christened the much more apt 'Cuntface', but the priest was hard of hearing, due to his ears being full of adolescent semen.

Is there any chance that you can delete all the above shit and project at least an illusion of sanity? Unless you've been absolutely fucking smashed for the past month, there really is no excuse for your recent bollocks, you deranged cunt.

How many inches did you have up her/his arse before you realised?

No matter, we'll always have Chinese Steelgate, Eric.

Haha fucking hell, I thought I was the only one who had noticed this! She tries to portray herself as some sort of doddering old cunt who doesn't know anything about events post 1935 unless they involve the activities of the Women's Institute. The crafty hag is as bright as a button though, and what's more, she is undoubtedly fucking the fat bald cunt with glasses.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Halcyon days indeed.

Firstly, congratulations on being funny for the first time since March 2017. Secondly, I want this fucking Hobgoblin dead. As if Norfolk doesn't have enough of an image problem, what with everyone assuming that the local inhabitants are all malformed, drooling fucking monsters, now we also have to contend with this baby-armed Canuck being heralded as a "Norfolk comedian". Disgusting pig.

This has got everything I like. Virulent misogyny, an intense dislike of the disabled, and a few digs at the obese. I love it.

The only photograph I'm interested in seeing him take is a suicide-selfie with a shotgun barrel in his little fucking faggot gob