Hokey Gingers

I`m not gay William but damn your eyes you`re making it very hard for me.....

Ever had the misfortune to slide south for a bit of a slurp around it only to find your timing is off by a few days ? You were hoping for roast chicken but ended up with a mouthful of corrugated iron. Upon realising your mistake your immediate retreat is halted abruptly by a forceful hand shoving you back into " Tinsville " until your tongue is stuck , via magnetism probably, to the roof of your mouth. Guarenteed your fillings are producing a voltage, i`m assuming around 9v , as it feels similar to licking a battery so in essence a fanny could power a smoke detector. Not nice. Yanks. In the UK we refer to the vagina as a fanny, you define it as the bottom. Your cunts.

I love pizza. That said, to say it was wholesome and good for you would be a bit of a stretch. A bit like John Podesta`s art collection really.

Dent puller is what you want.

Lovely woman Claudia, just don`t give her any matches....

Drug fuelled gay orgy broken up by Italian Police in the Vatican says all you need to know really. Convicted child molesters all over the globe, priceless riches and treasures languishing in their vaults, remember Bill Gates has only been around since 1975, these cunts have been hoarding from the year dot !! And to top it all El Papa is supposed to be infallible. Hypocrisy beyond belief. Perhaps Paisley wasn`t so far off the mark though he did tend to bellow Antichrist a lot.

Have a heart Ming, someone who will remain nameless (F) has been putting it about that he had Billy Boy all ends up during their latest spell in the clink. Apparently he (F) even had young Billy combing Just For Men into his greying arse crack hair and cutting tribal designs into his butt cheeks with a NO NO. Awooga indeed....

I`ll see you in the field Eddie...

What kind of sick ideology drives these people. I remember her on Tiswas with the suspenders and that but fucking ISIS ? My God. In fairness though, if she jihads Tarrant i`m willing to let bygones be bygones.....

Family friend Elton has commissioned him to do a few portraits of the family John. A maritime theme apparently with young Beckham spending most of the shoot wedged in a barrel. In keeping with the theme of his book Reg told him to bring an old Nokia 3310 for the snaps and , bizarrely, a funnel ??

Sorrier still..

So what gave him away? Was he white?

Controller : " For Christ`s sake people do something, everyone is watching the oppo !!" Cameraman " Don`t worry Boss , i`ve a man bag full of kiddies shoes and pacifiers...." Controller: " Sweet. Remember, only the crying hysterical punters , play our cards right and it`s a fucking BAFTA "

My favourite " take away " Glastonbury memory every year is when they take the Greenpeace signs down, the Save the Earth banners and ofcoarse the wind turbine. They really love the planet...

Fear not `eavens, PM Corbyn will have her bedecked in rainbow flags and Greenpeace banners. She`ll be the pride of the NGO fleet. Three cheers for Jezza!

I`ve a theory but it could be shite though. I think a certain section of society needs to feel special. This special section probably amounts to less than two or three percent of the population. I think they see a suspension of reality daily on television and in media ( glossy mags, video games ) and then want to transfer that over into their own lives. On a personal level this is fine though the problem starts when you expect me to play along. When people won`t play along words like discrimination, equality and diversity get legislature changed and now it`s illegal for me, us, not to play along to whatever fucking fantasy some arsehole has dreamed up this week. Please don`t reference facts or figures against my theory, my life experience tells me in the last 15 -20 years as a society we`ve gone soft . As an example, Kensington residents and concerned people from that community demonstrated and rallied to Downing St. over Grenfell Tower yet the friends and families of the children blew to pieces in Manchester didn`t organise a march, tearing down those iron gates demanding action or at least the Government do something. Ergo, fuck all has been done.

Mr. Khan should offer some words of comfort at this difficult time. Perhaps his " these things happen living it a big city" spiel will be welcomed by the public and victims as a reassuring, confidence building success as it was a fortnight ago. On a happier note Mr.Khan must be enjoying his three ways with Leslie Ash and Lee Chapman. Have you saw the state of his eyes?

Got a couple of pallets of these if you want them...

A parachutist jumps out of a plane and hurtles towards Earth. After a bit he pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. He tries again to no avail. Then he tries the emergency chute but still nothing happens. Resigned to his fate he waits for the inevitable. Suddenly as he`s peering down he sees a man coming up. He waited until the man drew level then yelled across " Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The man replied " No, do you know anything about gas cookers?"

Welcome aboard matey..now get in the barrel.

This is a big deal in Chinese culture, everyone celebrates the life of the pet with a big meal. I say big but its directly related to the size of the pet.

Billy was the most unlucky cunt ever and had never won a thing in his life. So he was delighted when the news came he`d won a ticket to go and see his all time favourite singer Tina Turner appearing in concert. He told all his mates about his luck finally turning and wore his best for the night of the concert. On arriving at the venue, to Billy`s amazement, he was ushered up front row central, the best seat in the house. He told everyone around him about his apparent change in fortune and his how happy he was. Tina eventually came on stage and after a few numbers told the crowd there was someone very special in the audience and a spotlight landed on Billy! Tina invited him to come up on stage. On stage they sang an impromptu duet which brought the house down and as he left the stage Tina mentioned hooking up later for a drink. In the bar after the show they shared some small talk with the singer finally admitting she found him incredibly attractive. She left a key to her room on the table and told Billy to give her 10 mins to freshen up. Billy simply couldn`t believe his luck. The minutes passed and soon he was stood in her room but no sign of her. Billy looked in the bedroom where Tina was writhing on the bed stark naked. " What way do you want me ?" asked Tina inquisitively. Billy asked if she had any handcuffs. Tina purred "Ohhh...Billy, you are a kinky boy." He replied " No...no...it`s nothing like that, it`s just the last time i rid a black person she stole my wallet."