Wolfie

You'll be staring at the back of my head in a long queue, Wiz.

The slag isn't wearing underwear. She may have been at some point during the evening, but they seem to have gone missing. I think we need an expert's opinion on all things knickerless. Roops?

Good God. What a strange-looking creature. It can't be anything other than Madame Tussauds. While the fame doesn't quite warrant such status, I'd put money on his wallet bribing the curators. That said, the job may have proven prohibitively expensive, considering the many hours of overtime and sheer volume of wax required to sculpture his arsehole.

You naive, infinite reservoir of knob cheese. The BBC published this 'news' item about its own presenters, yes? What does this say to you? What it doesn’t say is how much the cuts for its presenters actually are, and when they come into effect. You can bet those few announcing they are 'taking' salary cuts have had their accountants working overtime to find them tax breaks, so they actually pocket more than their reductions suggest. It's a publicity stunt from the BBC to payout less while promoting itself as a just and impartial organisation, which couldn't be further from the truth. Why not source non-biased news about the BBC from someone other than the BBC? Kill yourself.

Run your cursor over my avatar and you'll see I've only been commenting for a little over a year. While this may not be long, it has however been more than enough time to encounter a posse of dedicated dickheads. You fall squarely into this category. The thing is, you are the most boring and deeply uninteresting of them all. Look at the general ambience of the feedback you attract, with your rating, and ask yourself this: should I immediately retire myself and do everyone (bar a senile, benign, saggy-titted corpse) a favour?

I envisage you knowing your way around the kitchen very well, Gyps. If you can pretend to like motorcycles, allied to the Beeb's renowned promotion of sexual equality, have you thought about applying for a job on the Hairy Bikers?

I don't understand what you mean. Was he a graphologist?

I'm not sure whether presenters are allowed to take part in the 'bushtucker' trials.

There are hundreds of female comments expressing their disgust at the 'sexism' of the event. I wonder how many have attended drunken hen parties at some point, in which they've implored the attentions of a mock fireman.

I’m surprised Lily had time to become infuriated by a Tube worker (who works for a living) celebrating a famous piece of British history, especially with giving up her Notting Hill home and Cotswold mansion to provide asylum for homeless Muslim refugees.

They were a good band but something tells me you'd walk around with a bush stuck up your arse if it was in vogue, Rick.

I notice the one who looks like a hippo has a tattoo on her upper-right thigh. I'm not entirely sure what it says, though 'don't insert kebab here' is probably a fair guess.

Rattled. Very.

Shut up you colossal, nonsensical knob. Eric has embarrassed you because you failed to grasp the context of his original comment. I'd wager one of Neil's walnut-sized piles could outsmart you. Halfwit.

Your comments provide nothing more than demonstrate your obvious contempt for the UK, and your poorly researched reasons for not wishing to see us succeed where your rain-soaked, disparaged nation has come up short as an EU member. What an envious, draconian little cuntfart you are proving to be.

THIS cunting abomination:

Is this the perceptive conclusion you have drawn based on your self-proclaimed advocacy of The Guardian? Idiot.

I've been reading your recent Brexit comments with interest, Pansy. I believe you're jealous of what the UK is trying to achieve and worried about the effects this may have on Ireland, which continues to offer its arse to the European Parliament, such is its degree of debt and limited scope for trade deals placed upon it by not just the UK but also Germany and France. I am delighted my country (and let's remind ourselves this was a democratic referendum – the first of its kind in Europe) has been presented with a path, no matter how narrow and uncertain, to continue to find its way through many grey areas to reach a compromise. Historically the UK has been a guinea pig of sorts and has always risked pushing boundaries where others have remained neutral, or have been unable to move. We continue to evolve opportunities. I don't like May any more than you, and the process was always going to ebb and flow – which is hardly surprising with a fractious Cabinet divided by the vote. Back in the 90s Brussels told us not opting for its Euro currency would be a 'disaster' for the UK. It wasn't. This is the same authority telling the UK opting out of Europe will also be a 'disaster'. Is Europe going to prohibit itself from doing business with the world's fifth strongest economy, out of spite and punishment? Of course not. Presently, no firm trade deal for the UK is better than being forced into a bad one. Ireland would love to be in this position.

Why didn't you get a double room with your boyfriend in the first place?

What do you mean?

That's probably because you never get to see them while you're locked in the bogs on every shift, phone in hand, making us all laugh out loud with your clever, witty, insightful prose.

It's funny the impression one conveys online is often stark in contrast to the real, palpable person. I'll wager you're not a spectacularly boring cunt at all, and have a reputation among your many friends as the crazy life and soul of the party. Might I therefore suggest prefixing your posting title with 'Gregarious', GG?

Were you immune to also stuffing your face like a rabid locust, unlike your public sector colleagues?

Is this the same empathy you display towards disgruntled customers at McDonald's?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you and Rick would make a lovely couple. I'm still trying to determine who'll wear the trousers.