Cap'n Cunt

Jesus wore a fucking big crucifix, and he was hard as nails.

I had some of their rice with my chicken korma last week. Strange yellow tinge to it, like it was jaundiced or something.

We don't allow anything corroborated by facts on here. You need to make something up that can't be proven or disproven.

I'll be selling subscriptions to UpMyFanny.com with a discount for CC members. If it all goes to plan I'm intending to branch out into the rectal market. I already have a prospective client for ColonCam who wishes to remain anonymous. 'Lol'.

You'll change your tune when I'm famous and have a queue of eighteen-year-old girls lined up outside wanting me to stick my electronical equipment up em. I'm thinking of incorporating a webcam and all.

I'm working on a Tesla Coil contraceptive device in me shed.

If Indians had had refrigerators back in Ye Olden Times, they wouldn't have had to invent curry - the spices and peppers were added to the meat to disguise the fact that it was rancid and rotting. Today, of course, the curry sauce is used to disguise the fact that Abdul has smeared shit on your lamb after failing to wipe his arse properly after taking a dump in the middle of the cooking process.

Korma is a bitch

You have 'apparently' only just discovered 'scatting' (as you call it). More educated people would usually have become aware of these faeces-based pastimes as part of the growing-up process, and would use the proper term i.e. coprophilia. I deduce, therefore, that you are either about twelve years old or educationally subnormal (perhaps both, who knows?). Either way, fuck off.

Did she happen to mention that time that me, her and Kylie Minogue all got pissed on Babycham and ended up having a threesome on Keanu's bed while Michael Douglas filmed it?

Should have gone to Burger King for a Double Whopper

At least my 'line of work' doesn't consist of a queue of swarthy foreign types lining up outside your hovel waiting to fuck your scrawny, spotty arse. One would presume it gets less painful after the first client of the evening, when the mixture of Somalian semen and burst haemorrhoids provides a kind of lubricant? You'd probably have AIDS if you weren't so fucking disgusting that even a virus wouldn't choose to live with you. Lol. Etc.

It's the grim reaper, waiting for you to die of a smoking-related disease.

I bet dictators get to shag lots of women though, despite their silly haircuts and moustaches.

No, because everything worth nicking there is already gone.

Clive Sinclair made that?? Fuck me, I thought the C5 was the pinnacle of his inventory achievements.

My dyslexic wife stuck an IED up her fanny by mistake. Best bang we ever had. I'll get me keffiyeh.

Kate Bush's tits. The finest piece of British engineering ever.

It's been reported that the latest Jihadist made his bomb in his shed. I think we should ban sheds. And perhaps conservatories, and any associated garden structures.

I'm assuming you mean 'versus', there? Well, if I was tasked with documenting the descent into senility and eventual death of an old lady by photographic medium, I wouldn't use either. Because I wouldn't fucking care.

I know how to treat a lady. I'm cooking a hedgehog in mud later. Perhaps you'd like to join me? We could drink cider and swap stories about scrap metal, then fist each other over the dishwasher. Not that I actually own a dishwasher, but there's one out on the front lawn.

Is this some sort of dinner/sex invitation?

I'd rather shag her than Ron Haslam, though.

'Fuck Me With A Piece Of Barbed Wire, Jimmy Dean' is due for release in November.

Renaissance were shit. All that fret-wanking prog rock shit. Apart from 'Northern Lights', that were passable.