Cap'n Cunt

When did you lick out my sister?

Non-alcoholic Guinness.

Well, I'd like to see some lesbian turtles 'getting it on'.

Nothing wrong with a bit of motorboating.

It's not termites, it's ants. You fucking mong.

I bet England has more darkies than Colombia

They're trying to fight fire with fire. Never a good idea.

It's rather irrelevant what this thing identifies itself as. Nobody's ever going to want to fuck it.

Next time I leave a bomb lying around, I'll ensure it's in a bag clearly labelled 'bomb', thereby making it less suspicious.

You might want to look up the spelling of 'Teresa' before you do that.

The fact that they all look the same dusturbs me. And it IS a fact... http://www.foxnews.com/world/2018/06/13/dead-husband-turns-up-alive-nearly-year-after-wife-given-wrong-body.html

Ex-leader of the Conservative Party (for about ten minutes) and pointlessly-knighted Hague is calling for the legalisation of cannabis, as it's proving to be too difficult to stop people growing and using it. What next? Suckdick Khan legalising machete attacks because it's too difficult to police? When the government give up on things because it's too hard, we're in deep shit.

I had one too. I ended up lost in France.

I rarely engage in conversation with the lower classes, however I've made an exception in your case. Fuck off.

What she really meant was "I'm on a minimum wage zero-hours contract and I'm not paid enough to listen to the ramblings of a senile hermaphrodite"

I bet you won't be whining if you end up sitting next to a Thai ladyboy who sucks you off over the Alps.

Yeah, but then they might open my garden gate and let in lots of Africans.

I wish history would be repeated. I'd love to shoot some Germans. And perhaps have some slaves to do my gardening.

Can you make false tits out of semtex? (Asking on behalf of a friend).

If the only job you can get is as a voluntary cleaner at the local church, I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it.

People going on holiday to Torquay shouldn't be allowed to drive. Lowlife mouth-breathing spastics.

If he's a spazz he probably shits himself anyway, so why does he need a toilet?

If I was a doughnut-chomping lardass (which I'm not), I'd hardly make a spectacle of myself by moaning that New Look's 'Morbidly Obese' range of clothing was more expensive than similar items tailored to fit normal people. Maria Wassell, a fat shop assistant from Kent, disagrees. Rather than meekly stump up for a size 28 floral-print tent, she bemoans the fact that she's charged extra for the vast swathes of terylene required to manufacture her clothes, claiming it's 'fat-shaming'. Well, I agree. You're fucking fat, and you should be ashamed of yourself. You will die early, and nobody will want to fuck you. (Well, maybe Neil would, but no-one normal.)

Well, it won't have 'Pangolins' in the latest edition, if the slopes have eaten them all.

It's not like Pangolins are actually of any use, though, is it? It's just some weird kind of anteater thing that lives in a tree (or possibly in a hole (or possibly underwater - who knows?)). And on a secondary note, I don't think the bloke on the right is Chinese, either.