Cap'n Cunt

None. I found one of Roops' growler on the interweb.

It's not even a fucking fossil. It's probably a Nigerian illegal that fell out the back of a Thatchers cider lorry on the way to Wookey Hole.

I only read this nomination because I thought Pen might have posted a photo of her fanny, taken with the aid of a mirror. Not that I actually wanted to see it, really.

A small puddle of cat piss with a lump of congealed spunk floating in it.

Wasn't Gormos the spazzy Dalek in Dr Who? The one who kept falling down stairs?

Weren't they selling those in Viz about 8 years ago?

Ten rolled in carpet, and I'd guess an extra five with a bit of dismemberment. Will confirm actual figures on Monday.

I have a Citroën C8 and I can get at least ten dead prostitutes in the back. Beat that.

I believe it's spelt 'orangutang'. You dribbling uneducated spastic.

Excellent. You could handcuff maidens to these and get a bit rapey. Where are these, exactly?

It's probably best to kill everyone who has some kind of strange headgear obscuring their face. You never know, one of them might be Jeremy Corbyn, or Suckdick Khan.

'Read and not actually give a fuck about it' might be more appropriate. How does the power to weight ratio compare to a ZZR 1400? Bear in mind that the actual 'weight' part has to include a smarmy lardass cunt sitting in the driver's seat.

As have you. Do the decent thing.

I love you, Gyps. Despite you being a stinking fucking pikey.

You need to get a grasp of the English language. "Cunt's" indeed. And "simply to to make gormless ballistic". Are you foreign?

U ok hon?

The problem with modern-day politicians is that it's just a job, rather than a vocation. Back in the good old days we had proper statesmen who made sacrifices for their political beliefs. Nowadays it seems any old spacker can become a 'politician' regardless of ability or dedication. To weed out these inept spongers, anyone wishing to stand for office should have their cock cut off, or for females, have their cunt sewn up.

Well maybe they should train these fucking SAS cunts to shoot people properly instead of mincing round the Brecon Beacons like the cast of The Sound Of fucking Music. If they hadn't let Mr. Nejad survive, he wouldn't be living in Bob Curry's house. So stick that up your arse, David cunting Stirling.

I see what you did there. If Boris got this bridge built, he'd be the man of La Manche. I'll get me donkey.

I think it nay be a bridge too far. I'll get me bren gun.

It would certainly be a bridge of size. I'll get me gondola.

Judge Rinder is certainly a cunt. I hear that having split from his bumchum of 11 years, he's very upset. Judge Judy isn't a cunt at all, though I suspect that she may have a modicum of Jewish blood in her veins. Despite her advanced age, I wouldn't mind her giving me some corporal punishment. I get all tumescent just thinking about it.

@Mrs Roops - ref your editing of my original post, could you enlighten me as to why it's OK to mention Jon Venables, Peter Sutcliffe et al, but not Thomas Mair? I'm not out to cause trouble here, I'm just seeking help to enable me to cunt more efficiently in future. Best Regards Cap'n

Lonely? Depressed? No friends? Never fear, Mrs May has appointed a Minister for Loneliness who will come round to your residence and.... umm... stop you being lonely, in some way or another. Tracey Crouch, appointed as aforesaid Minister, is to 'continue the work of Jo Cox'.

You seem like a reasonable chap, Neil, so I'd be more than happy to attend your funeral. I have a couple of days free next week so if you could endeavour to shrug off your mortal coil by the weekend that would be super. If you could leave me a selection of unspoilt wank mags in your will that would be much appreciated.