Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 I was potting about in the garden the other day and over-exerted myself trying to move a cracked paving stone. I felt this sharp pain in my ringbone and thought what the fuck have I just given birth to? Thinking I had only shit myself, I crab walked into the shitter to tidy myself up only to discover a bunch of grapes hanging out my cats eye. Turns out I had blown an arse valve and a fucking great haemorrhoid was dangling out my arsepipe. Let me tell you, these things are cunts of the highest order. They itch like fuck, every time I farted I blew blood all over my jocks, and taking a shit is like being arse raped with a flame thrower. I yelled out to Mrs Grumps "Oy woman, get the fuck over here!" and dropped my tweeds and bent over to show her my newly acquired anal accessory. Well, the old bitch thought it was funny as fuck and laughed so hard her false teeth fell out at the sight of my withered old arse spread with half a bean bag hanging out swinging in the breeze. It all got much worse for this old cunt when my fucking terrier also noticed and leapt up from off the couch and latched on to my ring gear. The pain was so fucking intense I leapt in the air and knocked myself out on the ceiling fan. When I came too, I was in a puddle of blood and puss, Mrs Grumps had pissed herself and passed out from laughing so hard, and my fucking terrier was coughing up arse hair next to me. On the upside, It saved me a visit to the Docs to get the bastard lanced I spose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 I was potting about in the garden the other day and over-exerted myself trying to move a cracked paving stone. I felt this sharp pain in my ringbone and thought what the fuck have I just given birth to? Thinking I had only shit myself, I crab walked into the shitter to tidy myself up only to discover a bunch of grapes hanging out my cats eye. Turns out I had blown an arse valve and a fucking great haemorrhoid was dangling out my arsepipe. Let me tell you, these things are cunts of the highest order. They itch like fuck, every time I farted I blew blood all over my jocks, and taking a shit is like being arse raped with a flame thrower. I yelled out to Mrs Grumps "Oy woman, get the fuck over here!" and dropped my tweeds and bent over to show her my newly acquired anal accessory. Well, the old bitch thought it was funny as fuck and laughed so hard her false teeth fell out at the sight of my withered old arse spread with half a bean bag hanging out swinging in the breeze. It all got much worse for this old cunt when my fucking terrier also noticed and leapt up from off the couch and latched on to my ring gear. The pain was so fucking intense I leapt in the air and knocked myself out on the ceiling fan. When I came too, I was in a puddle of blood and puss, Mrs Grumps had pissed herself and passed out from laughing so hard, and my fucking terrier was coughing up arse hair next to me. On the upside, It saved me a visit to the Docs to get the bastard lanced I spose. You hit the nail on the head Grumps. These things are fucking evil. But, it's always comedy fodder to someone until it happens to them, and then when you give back the same empathy you received, it's a fucking crime. Next time, get the cunt surgically removed, and stuff it into her anniversary gift box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 She's not let me stuff anything in her gift box for ages KC. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Claims she's sick of having to tuck it in with her thumbs. Queer bitch. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 She's not let me stuff anything in her gift box for ages KC. I am giving serious consideration to sending my missus to sort out your missus with an extra long double ender! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Last time I let Mrs Grumps loose with a dildo she chipped three teeth KC so we don't let her play with those anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Chalfonts were a perpetual issue when I was a despatch rider in the 1980s. Was told all the usual joke cures like paraffin and wire brush etc. Motorcycle seats were generally the pits back then, the foam would stop cushioning after ten minutes or so and the roads were just as potholed and knackered back then thanks to Thatchers cuts. Everyone would take the piss and find it hilarious until they also returned with stabbing pains in the jacksy and the 'blood gusset'. It was hard to be empathic towards them as they would have spent the time before ripping the piss out of any previous sufferers. Other couriers would place hard and sharpish things under seat cushions or plant a swift kick up the arse when leaving the office for a long journey. Having giardia with piles for 31 years was a fucking nightmare. Giardia makes you spray the pan at least ten times a day. Its hideous. Just remember you lot who are yet to experience this rectal torture, it WILL happen to you one day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Holy fuck Alfie, sounds like some cunt declared a jihad on your arse old sport. Sounds right cunty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheCatWoman Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Never had them although remember having a morbid fear of getting them because pregnancy always seemed to make me constipated. Do they have pus in them then? Sounds fucking gross and Dignitas would be the way forward for me should I ever suffer with these horrible blighters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Holy fuck Alfie, sounds like some cunt declared a jihad on your arse old sport. Sounds right cunty. You could say that as I caught giardia in Egypt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 Never had them although remember having a morbid fear of getting them because pregnancy always seemed to make me constipated. Do they have pus in them then? Sounds fucking gross and Dignitas would be the way forward for me should I ever suffer with these horrible blighters. No puss, however the fuckers went and put an anaconda of a camera up there to investigate possible cancer. Was just the farmers a bit deeper within. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheCatWoman Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 No puss, however the fuckers went and put an anaconda of a camera up there to investigate possible cancer. Was just the farmers a bit deeper within. Remind me never to get off with you after a late nights drinking ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 A good quality plunger and an inner tube from a 1968 Austin Cambridge are useful tools for this unfortunate affliction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 I've been on suppositories for a while now, but they don't seem to be working. I might as well stick them up my fucking arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colonelkurtz Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 ...or left a card telling you he called but in the nanosecond he spent at the door you were unavailable and he was unable to deliver the inconspicuous plain brown parcel - the cheeky bastard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 if these hit the earth we're all fucked Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 I was potting about in the garden the other day and over-exerted myself trying to move a cracked paving stone. I felt this sharp pain in my ringbone and thought what the fuck have I just given birth to? Thinking I had only shit myself, I crab walked into the shitter to tidy myself up only to discover a bunch of grapes hanging out my cats eye. Turns out I had blown an arse valve and a fucking great haemorrhoid was dangling out my arsepipe. Let me tell you, these things are cunts of the highest order. They itch like fuck, every time I farted I blew blood all over my jocks, and taking a shit is like being arse raped with a flame thrower. I yelled out to Mrs Grumps "Oy woman, get the fuck over here!" and dropped my tweeds and bent over to show her my newly acquired anal accessory. Well, the old bitch thought it was funny as fuck and laughed so hard her false teeth fell out at the sight of my withered old arse spread with half a bean bag hanging out swinging in the breeze. It all got much worse for this old cunt when my fucking terrier also noticed and leapt up from off the couch and latched on to my ring gear. The pain was so fucking intense I leapt in the air and knocked myself out on the ceiling fan. When I came too, I was in a puddle of blood and puss, Mrs Grumps had pissed herself and passed out from laughing so hard, and my fucking terrier was coughing up arse hair next to me. On the upside, It saved me a visit to the Docs to get the bastard lanced I spose. Ouch. Your grapes are not sitting well with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 if these hit the earth we're all fucked They are only at his ankles at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 3, 2014 Report Share Posted October 3, 2014 When they bleed now thats a bastard. I had bleeding ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 Good one Ducunti. I still can't seem to quote cunts on here for some reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 I was potting about in the garden the other day and over-exerted myself trying to move a cracked paving stone. I felt this sharp pain in my ringbone and thought what the fuck have I just given birth to? Thinking I had only shit myself, I crab walked into the shitter to tidy myself up only to discover a bunch of grapes hanging out my cats eye. Turns out I had blown an arse valve and a fucking great haemorrhoid was dangling out my arsepipe. Let me tell you, these things are cunts of the highest order. They itch like fuck, every time I farted I blew blood all over my jocks, and taking a shit is like being arse raped with a flame thrower. I yelled out to Mrs Grumps "Oy woman, get the fuck over here!" and dropped my tweeds and bent over to show her my newly acquired anal accessory. Well, the old bitch thought it was funny as fuck and laughed so hard her false teeth fell out at the sight of my withered old arse spread with half a bean bag hanging out swinging in the breeze. It all got much worse for this old cunt when my fucking terrier also noticed and leapt up from off the couch and latched on to my ring gear. The pain was so fucking intense I leapt in the air and knocked myself out on the ceiling fan. When I came too, I was in a puddle of blood and puss, Mrs Grumps had pissed herself and passed out from laughing so hard, and my fucking terrier was coughing up arse hair next to me. On the upside, It saved me a visit to the Docs to get the bastard lanced I spose. Have you had the scoot seat modified Grumps, otherwise it must play havoc with the farmers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 Bleeding ones, or a breeding pair? Typo's are a problem for us all. Bleeding ones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 Bleeding ones What about painful fuckers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 What about painful fuckers? Haven't had one of them for years Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2014 Report Share Posted October 4, 2014 ... Whatever these fuckers are, I sure don't want any. I hear that they are caused in a number of ways: Sitting in damp places, straining too hard for a shit and eating conkers for example. An arse (it would seem) is far more than meets the eye. Thank fuck I sold my one on eBay. Eating conkers? Have you got "100 Gypsy recipes" cookbook in your kitchen Jazz? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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