Decimus

Fuck me, the dynamic duo of Fender and Stubby are on the case. What can I expect from this spaxis of evil? Poison pen Rizla papers under my pillow with "e=mc2" scribbled on them? Or perhaps a less than satisfactory coat of paint on the iron railings on my driveway? What an utterly impotent pair of fucking idiots.

Golda Meir. Eyes as dark and dead as Steamboat Willie era Mickey Mouse.

Claiming that you have authored numerous scientific papers, whilst quite clearly being absolutely thick as fucking pig shit, is the most surprising revelation I've heard since it was confirmed that the Chuckle Brothers aren't serial sex offenders.

Admitting that you shovel enormous amounts of cheap frozen chips into your fat fucking gob is the least surprising revelation I've heard since it was confirmed that Jimmy Savile was a serial sex offender.

To be perfectly honest with you, Stubby, Babs is a terrible cook, but she's tolerant of spastics, so any specialist dietary requirements you may have just be sure to pop them over via PM. We're fresh out of spunk, so you might have to make do with turkey dinosaurs. @Frank She's not overly fond of Chinks. Keep Ming in the car.

FAKE NEWS

Bab's is cooking Stubby and I lunch after our 2pm appointment on Saturday. I'd love to see you there.

I hate how they are called artists. If willfully damaging someone else's property qualifies you as an artist, then Jazz should be proclaimed as the new Gauguin and the shit smeared walls of his padded cell in the cooler immediately recognised as a masterpiece. Proper get on to the fucking Tate, stat.

I'm personally not a fan of weed, but it should be immediately legalised. The arguments against its use are spurious at best. The classic that it's a gateway drug is patently false, I know scores of people who smoke it and they aren't all simultaneously shooting up and dropping ecstasy as well. Its deleterious health effects are no worse than tobacco, which is legal, and far less than alcohol, which is also legal. The government needs to take its head out of its arse and stop fighting a losing battle. Legalise it, regulate it, then tax the fuck out of it.

Could you imagine Stubby trying to fire a long bow with his fliddy little T-Rex arms? He can barely reach around to wipe his own fat arse.

Saturday at 2pm, The White Horse in Upton. Ask for Doubleday.

As a scientist, Stubby, surely you appreciate the necessity of backing up any claim or statement with hard facts. The onus is on you to provide the evidence to back up your outrageous claims. Waiting for your papers.

Baws and I have been endlessly working on obtaining Stubby's scientific papers, and I'm proud to announce that after four months of digging, we have finally unearthed them.

Dele Alli has spent half the match writhing around in pain whilst covered in flies. At this point in time it's more like an Oxfam advert than a football game.

Fucking abysmal. The highlight so far was listening to Cro-Magnon man in the commentary box grunting about "England playing the best football of the tournament so far."

Say what you like about the Darkies and the French, at least they know how to put a woman in her place. Half the English male audience watching the game tonight will be wearing their BBC-issued, foam cuckold horns.

Although saying that, she probably knows more about football than half the fucking benders on here.

I was going to add this to Neil's absolutely fucking bollocks nomination about World Cup pundits, but you don't put a nugget of gold on top of a pile of shit, so I've started my own. I tuned in to Costa Rica vs Serbia on ITV yesterday, already resigned to the fact that the pre-match analysis would include some stupid know-nothing cunt bleeding into her knickers whilst talking utter rubbish. What I wasn't prepared for was not one, but two women. It's bad enough trying to filter out the pig shit thick mumblings of one lezza demanding to know "Why hasn't Garth Northgate brought on Michael Owen?", let alone another one desperate to demonstrate that she can grasp the offside rule. Eni Aluko, the second slag, was worse than expected. Her indepth analysis amounted to this: "Costa Rica haven't got many players who score, but Serbia have a lot of players who score, so I think that Costa Rica may struggle to score, whilst Serbia might perhaps find it easier to score". It was at this point I switched it off, but not before Patrice Evra gave her a slow, sarcastic clap, and patronisingly told her she was "very good". Excellent stuff, but now there are calls for him to be sacked for his " disgusting sexism". There's nothing sexist in pointing out that some stupid cunt knows absolutely nothing about football, and is only there because a few militant dykes would have a little cry if she wasn't. Eni, stick to scamming pensioners for their credit card details over the phone, you rancid fucking slag.

Part of the holy trinity of charlatan chicanery, alongside their brothers in arms, conveyancers and estate agents. Absolutely fucking despicable human beings. Yellow tie wearing, Battlestar Galactica loving, fat fucking cunts.

I remember being stopped and searched by Norfolk's finest after a city match in the early 2000's. Said pig was snorting info into his radio, and identified me as an " IC2 male". It wasn't until I googled it the next day that I realised that this description identified a suspect as being southern European. God save Aidan Turner.

Who?

Alright, chaps?

Tbh, Scotty, the "aryan nurse" part of my post was rather churlish of me. I know you're on record as stating that the sovereign independence of the UK was your primary reason in voting to leave. I don't wish to drag you into one of my internecine conflicts, it was mainly aimed at WVM. There's propaganda and lies on both sides, but I've not come across anyone on either side of the debate who is as dogmatic and willing to blindly toe the party line without considering any of the opposing arguments as him. His latest deepthroat swallowing of May's spunky lies demonstrates how far up his own arse his head is firmly lodged.

We haven't left yet, so obviously it hasn't happened. Let's see how it plays out. When you get to your dotage, you and WVM can laugh together about how you were right all along. Side-by-side in luxury king sized NHS hospital beds, being fed grapes by stunningly beautiful and exclusively aryan nurses, you can have a little chuckle at my expense at how Boris and his big fucking bus was right all along.