nocti

I'm confused too, by monkey's chin do you mean moose knuckle?

...down with rent boys.

These cunts are now no longer limited to park benches, shop doorways and subways thanks to every other formerly half-decent pub now putting on these open fucking mic nights. The last thing I want to hear when unwinding with a pint, is some fucking monotonous faux-cockney spastic cunt with an acoustic guitar, who knows about as many chords as he does words of the English language, singing about his heart being broken when what should be broken is his fingers, shins, ribs and neck.

"Honestly doc, I know it looks weird, but I was just vacuuming some digestive biscuit crumbs off my shaft and hey presto, my whole cock gets sucked into it, right up to the conkers. In my horror at what just happened, I stumble back on the bristles of the broom and the handle goes right up my nipsy! The bra and pants? Well I just got back from a fancy dress party..." My friend works in A&E and whenever I see her I try to bleed as many stories out of her as possible, and she's always got plenty. It's fucking brilliant.

Fuck me, what car is this?

A trip to B&Q was cut short a few months back after finding out blue doesn't come in "light" and "dark" anymore. It's aqua this and duck egg that. Fuck off for fucks sake. I was also labelled uneducated for not holding different swatches under various shades of lighting. Fair enough, I suppose that's quite sensible in a way, but come on. Blue. Blue paint you cunts. It never used to be this difficult.

I remember playing space invaders and arkanoid all the fucking time on my old Amstrad CPC 464. You could put the tape in, start it loading, fuck off and eat dinner, then go back upstairs and the cunt still wouldn't have loaded. Alan Sugar is a cunt.

The entire 813 strong population of Otranto village, Italy were all beheaded for refusing to convert to Islam in the late 1400s. There's a monument to it there called "Martyrs of Otranto", and as creepy as it is, it's remarkable to witness. If you like skulls and all that.

The immolation video looks like a fucking cheap horror flick. I admit I've always been on the fence, but in a 30 minute video, the fact that it can go from a David Blaine style magic trick to a closeup of a charred corpse. Not to mention the post-production soaked digger scene at the end where it smashes the cage, which, I must admit, actually raised a chuckle. No corpse in it at that point. Why are they only showing the first and last bits of these alleged deaths? Have they got a sensitive side? Do they not think we can handle the actual death parts? I admit I was a right edgy little twat when I first got the net, rotten dot com, steak and cheese and all that were bookmarked so I could scare all me mates back in the dial-up days. The shit these fucking cunts are releasing would've disappointed me even back then. We laugh at other countries for their unwitting desire to neck propaganda, but we're so reluctant to hold a mirror up to the shit we swallow ourselves. I call bullshit, but I am more than happy to be proven wrong.

Useless. If it isn't long and hard but with a pair of bollocks swinging beneath it you haven't got a fucking clue what to do with it Keith, you trophy-winning bellend. Any chance of another video? Perhaps a streaming one of you drinking petrol, spraying it over yourself like a formula one driver who got pole position, then setting fire to yourself? Thanks in advance you lardy fuckwit.

Call me old fashioned, but I preferred the news when it had tits in. I want Sally from Hertfordshire's one paragraph opinion on the recent immolation, not some balding cunt's factual rant. This country...

Ban kids I reckon.

I'm sure I saw an absolute avalanche of bile aimed at that fuckwit whilst I was merely lurking. It might not have been a dedicated nom/thread, but I have definitely seen him suitably thundercunted on here. I would fucking love to be proven wrong though. Always room for another.

I know I cheated a bit with physicist, but fuck off.

This fucks me off no end. Also applies to "f" at the beginning of words that begin with "th". "I fought i already said fank you to the fick fermonuclear fysicist for the firtieth time!", etc. I can't imagine that ever being said, but I hope some cunt knows what the fuck I'm on about.

Steve Beaton taught me to drive. True story. That's as close as I get to anything related to darts though. A cunt's sport. I didn't tell him that mind you.

Dear Mr. Rat After reviewing your most recent property plans, I'm afraid the producers of Grand Designs are unwilling to assist you with either "Fritzl Manor", or "House-schwitz"...

What the actual fuck is going on? Is this genuine schizophrenia, trolling, or attention seeking? All three perhaps?

That's seriously the one thing that gave it away for you? Fuck me cartwheeling Prof, I'm not a mannequin playing with its dick if that helps.

...and pies. Oh, and shit too.

Fuck me, my face nearly caved in from frowning as I read that. I fucking hate those cunts.

I can't take credit for it I'm afraid, it's a rather old bit of copypasta. It both amuses and irritates me in equal measure though, as I have genuinely heard a couple of the phrases (blessing in the skies, for fucks sake) said out loud at work.

The Simon Weston grill has just come out. He's so proud of it, he put his face on it! Sorry.

I agree with this and would happily comply. I genuinely reckon over 50% of the cunts on the road would fail them too. Aside from those vacuous twats who don't indicate, what really fucks me off is people who don't acknowledge when you've given way to them. I know it's not in the highway code or anything, but for fucks sake, nod your head or lift your hand off your dick just for a split second you cunt.