Eric Cuntman

Gobby Sands.

I know. I was begging your pardon for underestimating your age.

Beg pardon.

If he did find her, it would be a neat trick. He's been buried in the abandoned churchyard at Mistley Heath, just down the road from here, since 1640 or something. She probably met him when she was a teenager.

'Lager, the only thing that can kill a curry'

Spunk

"Where's ya water blaster?" "What fuckin water blaster?" "This fuckin water blaster!"

After a comprehensive CC kicking, 'Johnny Blashford Snell' likes to go on an imaginary expedition.

How the fuck did he stick that poster back on the wall after he'd climbed through the hole?

I take him out of the freezer for a couple of minutes a day for a chat. Just a question of waiting for a cure.

Jesse Ventura? I bet you're a goddamn sexual tyrannosaur!

'Space aliens turned my son into a cheeseburger!'

I wouldn't. No one has ever seen her forehead, which means she's probably a Klingon. Her mum was a fuck machine back in her day. Magnificent norks.

I bet he 'likes it up 'im'

Busted. I nicked it from Frankie Boyle.

Jacked in football and became a painter and decorator or something similar, and was dead by 35. Could've been a seriously big name, but no club wanted to touch him because he was unable to stop being a cunt.

Jason Marriner was in it too. If you know any Headhunters, that name should ring a bell.

If you want a laugh, watch his film debut, 'Killer Bitch'. One of the worst films ever made. Features Dave Courtney, Roy Shaw, Carlton Leach and Cass Penant, all playing themselves.

I think she even compared you to Bonnie Langford!

I think Robin Friday trumps all of the games 'hardmen'. Brings down Mark Lawrenson, who complained to the ref. Friday then kicks him in the jaw, gets sent off, and then breaks into the opposition's changing room and does a shit in Lawrensons kit bag. Proper lad. @camberwell gypsy will be along soon to tell us 'The man don't give a fuck'

I remember Glen Roeder scoring an own goal right in front of me at Selhurst park in 1988 I think. Against Charlton, he tried to clear the ball from the goalmouth with some overhead, bicycle kick, and ended up knocking it in with his arse. He was at Newcastle at the time. The worst kicking I ever got afterwards too. I can still remember the smell of brown ale as the punches rained down.

Cantona was brilliant. Entertaining and inventive, and a rare case of a Frenchman that wasn't afraid of a scrap. He shit the life out of Neil Ruddock once I think. Chased him down the players tunnel shouting 'come on then fatty!'

Speaking of Dougal MaGuire, our little friend Harold has been Roopsed for 7 days. Do you think he'll get his shit together when he returns?

Brian Clough had the best way of dealing with pitch invaders. Clout them round the back of the head and drag them off by their earhole. Eric Cantona didn't fuck about either.

Someone told me that Norwich once lost 7-1 to Colchester United. I haven't checked, so it's probably bollocks. Sounds unlikely, I'm not much into football, but I know Norwich are a proper team and Colchester are fucking shit.