Eric Cuntman

Or a Pez dispenser with sweets.

Hopelessly Devoted To Jew

They make them now. ‘Findus’ made them originally. I assume they got bought out by Birds Eye.

Nobody’s mellowed really. You just look back on your first few months here differently because you’ve still got the PTSD. I was worse to be honest. The first year I was here, I had Frank, Decs, Bubba, Quincy, Stickers and Gurt trying to kill me. Ape thought I was a total cunt until it became obvious that I was the only one here who understood Flidspack. I didn’t know how this place worked, but I learned a lot faster than these two Hinge & Bracket cunts.

He’s a genuinely nasty little cunt. No better than paedo Pete and deserving of contempt. The rest of us here are a family of sorts. We all act like wrongun’s for comedic effect, but real wrongun’s like Saucepants aren’t fucking welcome or wanted. Looking back, if I had to pick a former member most likely to end up on a nonce wing. It’d be Gurt.

The threats aren’t real. It’s part of the vibe here. Frank will threaten to sneak into your house and get into bed with you. Fender will threaten to claw hammer your bloodline into oblivion. Stubby will tell you to drink bleach and jump in a woodchipper. But *every single one of them* would be devastated if you actually killed yourself because of something they said. It’s why this place exists. We express a form of humour that can be mistaken for hatred or malice. But it isn’t. Unless you lighten up and accept it, you won’t be happy here. *maybe not Frank.

And you still look less of a cunt than if you drive a Nissan Quishquosh.

That’s the point dopey. Jesus Tittyfucking Christ.

Him and ELC can’t stop moaning about the people who’ve been here forever. A bit like a pair of asylum seekers who arrive in their new country and start demanding that the indigenous population changes its behaviour to suit them. It’s about time the pair of cunts started showing reverence to their betters and respecting my authoritah.

Rapewell Tarts

Minced beef & onion crispy pancakes are the pinnacle of gastronomy.

Build the wall around London. Most of the shit’s already in there. Sadiq can be The Duke Of No Pork.

Him and Mark Allen had the potential to win the World Title, but then lager and kebabs happened. Fat cunts. I wonder if Stephen Lee is still hustling in Hong Kong, speaking of fat cunts.

It’s as though Nick Cave fucked a Leprechaun.

Paging @Rick_B

‘Senna 30 years’ that’s apex level constipation.

Him and Barry Hawkins. They have faces that make you want to ask them if they’re ok. Is Feargal O’Brien still shuffling robotically to the table in any professional capacity?

My ol’ man’s a dachshund.

I’ve been peering through your windows and watching you masturbate.

Not after you’ve just mocked his spelling. Ffs.

They’re probably related. I never met a Feargal that didn’t claim every other Feargal within a 200 mile radius was his ‘cousin’.

And it’s only Monday.

That it was Lenny Henry.

I know you thick cunt.

I’ve still got a black leather Harrington from ‘Clockhouse At C&A’.