Cap'n Cunt

A bit harsh, innit bruv?

He had bright eyes, though. Burning like fucking fire.

I'd have thought it would be Android.

Yes. Fuck off.

A slimy, skinny creature living in the middle of an underground lake underneath an imaginary golf course. As Tolkien describes him, he is "dark as darkness, except for two big round pale eyes in his thin face" . He has spent so much time underground that his eyes have grown giant and protruding on account of all of his peering up murky tunnels. He spends a lot of time alone, something we can observe pretty easily by the frequency with which he talks to himself. He also punctuates his whispering with noisy gulping swallows of felch.

I saw a video of him farting into a whore's mouth, and it upset me somewhat. Do I win a prize?

Because they wouldn't fit in their sockets

I think they should show their minges.

Well I wouldn't fuck her. Mainly because I wouldn't be able to catch her. It's hard running whilst wearing a balaclava and carrying a hammer and some rope.

Well, I'm pleased that your encopresis hasn't prevented you from having a hobby.

Golf. For people that don't have a toilet.

F1 is fucking shit. They're not real cars anyway - they might go really fucking fast, but you try parking one in the car park at Asda, or taking a wanked-out washing machine to the skip in one. My Transit is better in every way. I've never heard Jenson Button boasting about a three-way with a pair of busty milfs in the back of his Maclaren (or whatever the fuck it is he 'drives').

I think it means 'I am King of the Flying Monkeys'.

No. But I believe he's a distant relative of Mystic Meg (and her wheezing sister, Cystic Meg)

Is that leaving two Desmonds in the pan?

Is this who you phone when you accidentally get a drinking straw stuck in your jap's eye? (Asking on behalf of a friend)

The Shrodinger's multiple choice questionnaire, where all the answers are YES and NO

https://www.rt.com/uk/379758-dulwich-london-phantom-poo/ I reckon the Bottom Inspectors will be round your gaff quite soon.

They call it gender fluid. I call it spunk.

I once knew a woman who could piss standing up.

I hate this cunt. Just because he was smuggled out of Czechoslavakia on a train to England (and probably never had to buy a ticket) he thinks it's OK to import all manner of beardy children from that fucking cess-pit that used to be France. By this logic, Ape having shat in someone's garden would entitle all and sundry to defecate in my shrubbery. Well, they can fuck off. I'd nail the fucker to Bono out of U2 and set fire to them both.

Christ. Imagine trying to find its (it's?) minge. It'd be like bog-snorkelling in a vat of lard.

I think we should let them off on bonfire night.

I'd fuck Georgina Tomassi, even if she is shit thick and can't spel.

I, for one, welcome our chubby, badly-coiffed dog-eating overlords. They're better than Somalians.