Eric Cuntman

Nurse G-G-G-Gladys Emanuelle… they wouldn’t let Ronnie Barker do that now. He’s dead.

I didn’t hear any tambourine playing.

When I was 18 and moved into my first shithole, a bedsit, it had one big official meter downstairs and all the rooms had little 50p meters that the landlord emptied. Although the coin boxes all had the same key and one of the tenants had a copy. Put the 50p in the slot, catch it and put it back through. I didn’t feel guilty. The landlord was a Welsh Jew.

I thought it was Trey Blinka.

All meter readers get one.

He’s never forgiven you for threatening to stick your finger up his ‘arris when you were talking to the little dachshund statue.

The last time I got him was about 4 years ago and he was pissed out of his skull.

Fucking hell. Tempus fugit. Have we all been here that long? I remember when you were Ainsley Harriot.

Sorry Ereptyle. I forgot you’re a twenty something dope fiend.

And then forgot to correct that. I love these little moments once every few years when I get to catch you out.

I’ve got a gadget for helping people who have ‘difficult moods’. It’s a pickaxe handle.

Catherine L Trucks

Thank you Linda Rondstat.

There’s only been one stabbing in Greater London in the last 30 years. When Stephen Lawrence was murdered by every Caucasian in Britain before he had a chance to become an architect or cure cancer. No black people have ever been involved in violent crime and anyone who disagrees is a bigot. Your ‘Stabbing Tour’ will have to be a bus stop in Eltham and that archway in Whitechapel where some feminist peace workers were murdered by a white man.

I hate the presumptive way that they assume how much people eat anyway. And the word ‘servings’ is fucking insipid. I assume they avoid ‘portion’ because of its school playground connotations of ‘one up the cunt’. But you are absolutely right. Even a medium sized bag of crisps (50g) will tell you that you’re supposed to “share” it and divide it into two. 50 grams… less than 2 ounces of potato. Fucking hippie queer cunts. And Uncle Ben’s is shit now as well so they can fuck off wherever they sent that poor old black man.

What’s your take on his actual chronological age then?

I’m going to start calling them Corey & Trevor. @Bubba, get back here. You’ve got fuckdonkeys to supervise.

Nobody here does that though. You’re obsessed with millennials, which is fair enough because they’re fucking vermin… but you’re in a psychological echo chamber of your own making and you see them wherever you look.

How are you, you dilapidated old fart?

Of all the French sailors cocks he’s sucked.

There aren’t any millennials on this site. We’re all 40s, 50s and older. With the exception of RK and Decs who are mid 30s. He seems to think that anyone who disagrees with him is a 25 year old snowflake. Bizarre.

You misspelled ‘typically’.

I might go Jaywick on Friday.

Utter bollocks. You still haven’t sussed this place.

Needed a break.