Combatting Covid - CC Advice

[Stubby Pecker]

2 minutes ago, Major Cunt said:

I've done a few stints in the cooler Stubbs, and it isn't a patch on the Scrubs. I was having a conversation with Quince out the window and he told me he's up for parole. I informed him of the dire situation here at CC, and he's keen to offer any newbie a turd to chew on.

Nice one major c. If ever there was a time we needed that baldy, mouth shitting slum lord of a cunt it's now.

One would image life in real chokey to be depressingly fucking boring and soul destroying. There's only so many press ups one come do in a day?

[Guest 'eavensabove]

1 minute ago, Stubby Pecker said:

Nice one major c. If ever there was a time we needed that baldy, mouth shitting slum lord of a cunt it's now.

One would image life in real chokey to be depressingly fucking boring and soul destroying. There's only so many press ups one come do in a day?

I did a stretch in the scrubs, and it's as boring as fuck. It wasn't any better when I got shipped down to Ford. Give me the cooler any time. In fact, I'm perfectly happy where I am.

[King Billy]

13 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said:

I did a stretch in the scrubs, and it's as boring as fuck. It wasn't any better when I got shipped down to Ford. Give me the cooler any time. In fact, I'm perfectly happy where I am.

Open nicks are just a fucking wind up. I’ve always found the best thing when you hear the clank and thud of the double mortice is to get your head down and the more you sleep the sooner you’re out. A single cell, although a rare commodity in most nicks is the first and most important thing to aim for. The worst thing in the system is not the screws or the boredom but the morons and mentally fucked up prisoners you have to live with.

[Guest 'eavensabove]

13 minutes ago, King Billy said:

Open nicks are just a fucking wind up. I’ve always found the best thing when you hear the clank and thud of the double mortice is to get your head down and the more you sleep the sooner you’re out. A single cell, although a rare commodity in most nicks is the first and most important thing to aim for. The worst thing in the system is not the screws or the boredom but the morons and mentally fucked up prisoners you have to live with.

and most are itching to be returned to a lock-up. I was only in Ford for 3 months, and they were as tedious and pathetic as my time in the scrubs. The only thing that was slightly better, was the food, being able to work outside and to pick-up stuff at 'drop-off points.'  I bet they all stink like fuck these days, as most of the cons are mushlips.  

[King Billy]

36 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said:

and most are itching to be returned to a lock-up. I was only in Ford for 3 months, and they were as tedious and pathetic as my time in the scrubs. The only thing that was slightly better, was the food, being able to work outside and to pick-up stuff at 'drop-off points.'  I bet they all stink like fuck these days, as most of the cons are mushlips.  

A little move that’s worked twice for me is when you go for the Governors interview on the first or second day in which is a legal requirement and you stand in front of the cunts desk and he asks you the standard list of questions. Name? What are you in for? How long is your sentence? Even though the bastard has your file open in front of him. When he asks What job did you do outside? 

Chef sir. That’s what I’ve always done sir.

At worst you’re in the kitchen which is a decent job but twice I’ve gone straight to work in the screws mess. Best job in the place. Best of grub and you’re out of your cell before everyone else and back in after lock up. And you get to add special ingredients to the really cuntish screws food. There’s always one or two. 

[Guest 'eavensabove]

2 hours ago, King Billy said:

A little move that’s worked twice for me is when you go for the Governors interview on the first or second day in which is a legal requirement and you stand in front of the cunts desk and he asks you the standard list of questions. Name? What are you in for? How long is your sentence? Even though the bastard has your file open in front of him. When he asks What job did you do outside? 

Chef sir. That’s what I’ve always done sir.

At worst you’re in the kitchen which is a decent job but twice I’ve gone straight to work in the screws mess. Best job in the place. Best of grub and you’re out of your cell before everyone else and back in after lock up. And you get to add special ingredients to the really cuntish screws food. There’s always one or two. 

Another, is to say you're Muslim (well, it used to work, as every other cunt inside is one now)

Once every month you're allowed 'any' food that you want to be delivered, once you've fasted for several days. 'Religious reasons' also work for keeping rings & chains and you're also allowed incense if you say you're Buddhist. I told them I was a Satanist, and I got put through Hell. lol

Actually, I found doing a time a fucking breeze. Boring as shit, but well easy, and I got parcels & post almost every day once I was sent to Ford. Days out to the coast by cab & back simply for feigning sickness, and I hardly went without jack-shite, as I was selling illegal drugs to a runner. Ford back then was mainly for long-termers spending their final year there, or white-collar cons and bent coppers. I much preferred the scrubs in loads of ways, save for the poxy cells.  

[Guest judgetwi]

18 hours ago, Major Cunt said:

I was merely an entrepreneur, Roops. Providing beneficial herbs to punters.

A five year sentence hardly fits the crime does it?

What the fuck is this Marjorie? So you’re a dirty drug pushing criminal who has been banged up with queers? Nothing personal Marje but we can’t be mates any more. I’m respectable, middle class, know what I mean? I can’t be seen to be associating with trash like you. Good luck to you anyway mate.

[Guest Bernard Fuck]

This virus nonsense is bollocks, the hospitals are quiet, the Nightingale in Docklands has thousands of spare beds unused and nurses are twiddling their thumbs.

Fucking fake news.

[Mrs Roops]

Jeez, has NACRO opened a pop-up branch within the Hallowed Halls of The Corner?

15 hours ago, Major Cunt said:

Well fuck me. Is there no end to your talents? Maybe we should call you "Roopal of the Baily". It's a cunning strategy to call you as a defence witness, as you'd no doubt send the Judge to sleep mid trial through speaking utter bollocks.

It's called supply and demand baby, and until this country legalises ganja the waste of police and court resources shall continue.

How's the view from your ivory tower? You insufferable prat.

Indeed, unfortunately your ineptness has shown that its also called "breaking the law".

15 hours ago, Major Cunt said:

Fuck her, Bill. I'm sick and tired of her acting as the corners moral compass. She lives in proclaimed opulence and has probably never visited our stomping ground mate. It's easy for her to take cheap digs on us working class blokes, and she hates the fact that we're able to wind her up at will.

In the words of Uncle Ape unbearable!

Wholly inaccurate assumptions aside, your passive claims of working-class victimhood don't cut much mustard for someone who was raised in the worst that a depressed Valley mining village had to offer. I worked hard to claw my way up to be a condescending bourgeois bitch whereas you opted for an ill-conceived plan for the fast buck. Mr Nice you are not.

[Guest 'eavensabove]

43 minutes ago, Bernard Fuck said:

This virus nonsense is bollocks, the hospitals are quiet, the Nightingale in Docklands has thousands of spare beds unused and nurses are twiddling their thumbs.

Fucking fake news.

...and empty they shall remain, unless that is you're 'important' enough to receive a bed, and no amount of begging, pleading or trying to get through on the NHS 111 Emergency 'hotline' will get you one either. Not if you're the average Joe. After all, we cannot be disproportionate can we, eh? Your fair share of Mushlips, a sprinkling of Syrians and a bottom-draw-full of puffters have all got to be represented, whilst Civil Service workers are an absolute must have as so too are yer politicians, Lords & Duchesses (but not Dames, fuck-off Fwankie) all of which receive around-the-clock care & attention 'in their homes' with PPE aplenty just to keep things looking reasonable, just and fair for all... as for yer thumb-twiddlers (as you so eloquently described the fuckers) they've never had it so good: Free Easter Eggs and rounds of applause coupled with as many masks, cigars, and bottles of Johnny Walker Black Label being administered intravenously, and silver-service hot & cold buffet's 3 times during each 1/2 hour shift and a lift home in a stretch limousine with on-board mini-bar and fly-past escorts by the Red fucking Arrows... you've only got to go out for a packet of Rizla with a stethoscope around yer neck or a thermometer behind yer ear, for the hordes to pave your route with rose petals to wailing chants & wads of £20s being shoved into every pocket whilst buckets of coinage are sprinkled liberally over yer head, and that's only on yer outgoing journey... yer packet of Rizla has then become a "With Compliments for Londis" shipment of goods that are already on yer doorstep before yer get home, where yer path has been red-carpeted, yer frontage has been repointed and yer roof has been freshly thatched... I'm off for a pint of milk this afternoon, in a blue surgeons gown. I'll let yer know how many herds of Holstein Friesians and Hereford Jerseys await my return. 

Edited April 24, 2020 by 'eavensabove
WASHING MY HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS

[Guest 'eavensabove]

The figures look promising, to ever it is that is making them up:

UK Confirmed Cases:            138,078         Deaths: 18,738           Recovered: 1,918 (aint we doing just great)

Global Confirmed Cases:      2,709,483      Deaths:  190,872        Recovered: 742,855 (more recovered than snuffed it)

NO DEATHS AT MECCA TODAY

Edited April 24, 2020 by 'eavensabove
WASHING MY HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS

[camberwell gypsy]

49 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said:

The figures look promising, to ever it is that is making them up:

UK Confirmed Cases:            138,078         Deaths: 18,738           Recovered: 1,918 (aint we doing just great)

Global Confirmed Cases:      2,709,483      Deaths:  190,872        Recovered: 742,855 (more recovered than snuffed it)

NO DEATHS AT MECCA TODAY

Don't the Mohammed's Marauders Baseball team use that place as well? 

[Guest 'eavensabove]

35 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Don't the Mohammed's Marauders Baseball team use that place as well? 

Yep. And also when Richmond Ice Rink is on a meltdown. 

[Major Cunt]

6 hours ago, judgetwi said:

What the fuck is this Marjorie? So you’re a dirty drug pushing criminal who has been banged up with queers? Nothing personal Marje but we can’t be mates any more. I’m respectable, middle class, know what I mean? I can’t be seen to be associating with trash like you. Good luck to you anyway mate.

Importing cannabis hardly makes one a scumbag criminal does it now, Jewdy? Now you being a respectable middle class gent is amusing, as I'd wager a princely sum your humble abode is a tower block in Thamesmead.

We all make mistakes in youth, and most of us learn from them and better ourselves.

You stick to being an angry, drunken, thick cripple. You're good at it!

[Guest 'eavensabove]

10 minutes ago, Major Cunt said:

Importing cannabis hardly makes one a scumbag criminal does it now, Jewdy? Now you being a respectable middle class gent is amusing, as I'd wager a princely sum your humble abode is a tower block in Thamesmead.

We all make mistakes in youth, and most of us learn from them and better ourselves.

You stick to being an angry, drunken, thick cripple. You're good at it!

Cut his coke with Ajax, and be done with it. He probably owes you for a 'teenth of OXO Cube as it is! 

[Major Cunt]

2 hours ago, 'eavensabove said:

Cut his coke with Ajax, and be done with it. He probably owes you for a 'teenth of OXO Cube as it is! 

Thanks for reminding Eavens. I always used to serve Jewdy Oxo as soap bar, and whenever he came back said it's the best hash out there. I felt a bit guilty as he's wheelchair bound, but as he's a bit of a cunt I thought fuck him.

[Major Cunt]

6 hours ago, Mrs Roops said:

Jeez, has NACRO opened a pop-up branch within the Hallowed Halls of The Corner?

Indeed, unfortunately your ineptness has shown that its also called "breaking the law".

Wholly inaccurate assumptions aside, your passive claims of working-class victimhood don't cut much mustard for someone who was raised in the worst that a depressed Valley mining village had to offer. I worked hard to claw my way up to be a condescending bourgeois bitch whereas you opted for an ill-conceived plan for the fast buck. Mr Nice you are not.

You clawed your way out of the valleys by dishing out blowjobs to taff miners. Then no doubt continued that practice in the offices of high finance.

Stick to what you're good at like being Googles best customer, and flashing your ginger snatch.

[Guest 'eavensabove]

8 minutes ago, Major Cunt said:

Thanks for reminding Eavens. I always used to serve Jewdy Oxo as soap bar, and whenever he came back said it's the best hash out there. I felt a bit guilty as he's wheelchair bound, but as he's a bit of a cunt I thought fuck him.

Tell him you've got some pucker (but a bit squidgy) Moroccan Red Seal, and give the cunt a foil-wrapped Knorr, and throw in one of those poxy solid Liquorice Allsorts that no cunt likes and charge him the premium going-rate for a 1970s wedge of Temple Ball. He'll be back by Sunday, no questions asked, whilst also giving you ample time to have woven some Bay Leaves/Thai Sticks. In the meantime, I'll chop-up some dried spaghetti, dye the little-fuckers orange, and you can punt them out to the cunt as California Sunshine Acid Tabs circa 1969. 

[ratcum]

18 minutes ago, Major Cunt said:

You clawed your way out of the valleys by dishing out blowjobs to taff miners. Then no doubt continued that practice in the offices of high finance.

Stick to what you're good at like being Googles best customer, and flashing your ginger snatch.

holy fuck, this outburst has given me the horn!

[Guest 'eavensabove]

Meanwhile, Italian scientists have established that Covid 19 airborne droplets can travel on pollution particles in the atmosphere. This 'may' account for so many deaths in Northern Italy and other major cities worldwide... as with like SARS, bird-flu, foot-and-mouth disease and measles, large virus-laden droplets from infected people fall to the ground within a meter or two, but much smaller droplets less than 5 microns in diameter can remain in the air for minutes to many hours and travel vast distances. 

 

 

[King Billy]

6 hours ago, 'eavensabove said:

...and empty they shall remain, unless that is you're 'important' enough to receive a bed, and no amount of begging, pleading or trying to get through on the NHS 111 Emergency 'hotline' will get you one either. Not if you're the average Joe. After all, we cannot be disproportionate can we, eh? Your fair share of Mushlips, a sprinkling of Syrians and a bottom-draw-full of puffters have all got to be represented, whilst Civil Service workers are an absolute must have as so too are yer politicians, Lords & Duchesses (but not Dames, fuck-off Fwankie) all of which receive around-the-clock care & attention 'in their homes' with PPE aplenty just to keep things looking reasonable, just and fair for all... as for yer thumb-twiddlers (as you so eloquently described the fuckers) they've never had it so good: Free Easter Eggs and rounds of applause coupled with as many masks, cigars, and bottles of Johnny Walker Black Label being administered intravenously, and silver-service hot & cold buffet's 3 times during each 1/2 hour shift and a lift home in a stretch limousine with on-board mini-bar and fly-past escorts by the Red fucking Arrows... you've only got to go out for a packet of Rizla with a stethoscope around yer neck or a thermometer behind yer ear, for the hordes to pave your route with rose petals to wailing chants & wads of £20s being shoved into every pocket whilst buckets of coinage are sprinkled liberally over yer head, and that's only on yer outgoing journey... yer packet of Rizla has then become a "With Compliments for Londis" shipment of goods that are already on yer doorstep before yer get home, where yer path has been red-carpeted, yer frontage has been repointed and yer roof has been freshly thatched... I'm off for a pint of milk this afternoon, in a blue surgeons gown. I'll let yer know how many herds of Holstein Friesians and Hereford Jerseys await my return. 

Neil’s certainly making hay while the sun shines. His van has a nice shiny new coat of Dulux brilliant white and a big Red Cross (duck tape) on the side. He’s been clearing the backlog of work that was piling up in his shed and under his floorboards for months. And the icing on the cake is every Thursday night at eight o’clock when all his neighbours clap and cheer him. One daft cunt even helped him lift a fat tarts rotting remains into the van while telling him what a hero he is.

[Guest 'eavensabove]

38 minutes ago, King Billy said:

Neil’s certainly making hay while the sun shines. His van has a nice shiny new coat of Dulux brilliant white and a big Red Cross (duck tape) on the side. He’s been clearing the backlog of work that was piling up in his shed and under his floorboards for months. And the icing on the cake is every Thursday night at eight o’clock when all his neighbours clap and cheer him. One daft cunt even helped him lift a fat tarts rotting remains into the van while telling him what a hero he is.

What else did the Romans ever give to us? 

[Mrs Roops]

16 hours ago, Major Cunt said:

You clawed your way out of the valleys by dishing out blowjobs to taff miners. Then no doubt continued that practice in the offices of high finance.

Stick to what you're good at like being Googles best customer, and flashing your ginger snatch.

No fire down below Maj, my natural colouring is raven haired. TBH I did once blow off a taff (not a miner) when I was fifteen or sixteen. What can I say? I was young, emotionally naïve and had yet to comprehend the sex thang. It took a couple of years to understand the male species, especially weak characters like yourself who are easily manipulated by sex or rather the denial of same but I digress...

I guess we'll still have wait for some of your much vaunted "out of the box" thinking in your insults rather than the farrago of re-heated forum clichés so colour me disappointed.

[Guest Bernard Fuck]

3 minutes ago, Mrs Roops said:

No fire down below Maj, my natural colouring is raven haired. TBH I did once blow off a taff (not a miner) when I was fifteen or sixteen. What can I say? I was young, emotionally naïve and had yet to comprehend the sex thang. It took a couple of years to understand the male species, especially weak characters like yourself who are easily manipulated by sex or rather the denial of same but I digress...

I guess we'll still have wait for some of your much vaunted "out of the box" thinking in your insults rather than the farrago of re-heated forum clichés so colour me disappointed.

That's great, never mind all that though, any chance of another nuddy pic?

[Mrs Roops]

2 minutes ago, Bernard Fuck said:

That's great, never mind all that though, any chance of another nuddy pic?

Sure, why not...