Cap'n Cunt

Maybe so , but he was still an arse bandit.

Do you have pictures of them fingering each other? If not, then they may not be lezzers.

Of course I use a glass. Do you think I'm some kind of philistine?

I like drinking my own piss. Even in non-survival situations, like when I'm watching telly.

Are all the younger generation bummers and velcro lickers then?

Half of the people in London have never seen snow before.

There are two schools of thought on this matter. Sticking the thin end up first is the more painful method, but depending on the slackness of the quim, you run the risk of it falling out. Thick end first is my preferred insertion strategy, as the branches expand to fit widthways thus ensuring a secure fit. Baubles are a matter of personal choice. I tend to stick to a bit of tinsel and perhaps a wooden Father Christmas on the end.

I'd like to stuff a Christmas tree up her fanny and set it on fire.

I've seen a pantomime horse, but never a pantomime cunt. Would it be huge like Katie Price's, with various men popping out of it at opportune moments during the show?

You dreading a knock on your door for something terrible that you did back before you went mental, Pen?

Perhaps a sprinkling of lonely tears and some limp coriander chopped by the dead hand of mediocrity?

To quote Sickipedia: This will be the first royal wedding cake made of bananas. Well, I laughed.

Carol Vordermann. She's fucked up.

You're too sexy for that shirt.

I don't know anyone that went to school with him, but he looks like a poncy cunt who would be rubbish at fighting.

What's wrong with being a racist anyway? It's better than being a dull, fat foreign cunt who can't tie his own shoelaces.

It's in preparation for Brexit when all the Uber drivers get sent home.

Perhaps he can grow some potatoes.

Take you a while to shed 3 stone, Neil. Unfortunately, Gyps said the same thing earlier, which I didn't read, and now I look a right cunt.

Football is for poofs and irons.

Scientists have been unable to prove that that definitely isn't God's cock.

In your pants.

Not content with smothering his own kids to death with petrol-soaked rags, this waste of spunk then failed to kill his wife by setting their house on fire. Then failed to kill himself by sitting in his car and setting light to that. It's fucking fire, you dull cunt, it's not that difficult. Thankfully, he's hideously disfigured now, so if you get in a Uber taxi and the driver looks like an extra from The Walkiing Dead, he'll be easy enough to recognise. And kill.

Gravity is pretty handy, though.

But didn't God take Jesus back up to heaven after he came out of the cave? In which case, he 'lent', rather than 'gave' his only son, etc.