Last Cunt Standing

I’m On Fire by Bruce Springsteen opens with “Hey little Girl is your Daddy home?” Presumably Legend would recast this as some manbunned hipster asking permission to do the hoovering from his empowered life partner. Horseshit.

As you well know Gyps, those at the coal face are often too busy wading through the entitled shite of open access primary care to get involved in managing spreadsheets and pontificating. Burns would tell you it doesn’t matter he hasn’t seen a patient since Ken Clarke was Health Secretary, the future is all apps now anyway. Advising, inspecting and appraising is generally something people run off to when they can’t cut it for real anymore. See “Professor Helen Stokes-Lampard” and “Professor Steve Field” as prime examples. Pointless Cunts.

Is she Dundee or Dundee United though, Baws? I suspect rather like Cilla Black she is one of those fabled ITV stars with a regional accent who would rather drink battery acid than spend any longer than seconds near the very people who idolise her as “just like us”. Take the regular makeover segments with that rancid little poof, for example, dripping with insincerity as she eulogises over the fashion offerings of ASDA. Fuck off, love. She lives a very comfortable top 1% existence no doubt - vis her daughter twatting about in Singapore working for charidee - and wouldn’t last five minutes on the skag-ridden East Glasgow council estate she could have ended up on if STV had picked some other lucky Doris. What I’d like to know is did she ever fuck Mr Motivator and if so what has he done with the sex tape?

Still spouting this cliche-ridden nonsense between mouthfuls of Chicken Shish then are we Judy? I thought the intervening months would at least have provoked some reflection on your world view, but alas, there is none. You’re the proverbial clear spot on the Petri dish, aren’t you? Culture free, devoid of growth, with no cellular activity detectable. I won’t keep you, no doubt you’ve got more missives to dash off to anyone still listening, and besides the tinfoil in your hat will need relining now the clocks have gone back purely to suit the hated Brussels elite or some such bollocks.

Don’t be so sensitive Judith, you should develop a thick skin. Then you’d be in proportion.

No Catholic Herald on this list, Punky? I’m shocked. I would suggest you get on your knees in front of Father McFeeley immediately and beg forgiveness. The penance will I imagine be something suitable like hoovering Rusk crumbs from his cassock or hiding an Armalite for a big fella from County Wicklow. I’m surprised your fantasy golf mates would be seen dead with a Papist.

You’ll notice that CC’s answer to Judith Chalmers is quick with the invective in certain directions - Canada, Australia, America, but eerily silent on the attractions of Russia or Saudi Arabia, which is a shame, as I quite like the idea of the Dogshit fan collapsing on his doorstep from a Poison doorknob, or chopped up in a Turkish embassy. I wonder if there is anywhere he approves of?

I’d rather you didn’t drag me into these little disputes, Francis.

You’re thinking of a Tight End, Judy. So no change there.

The undisputed ugliest Dyke in England will only just be finishing bathing her battered flaps in a postpartum sitz bath when it’ll be time to start her new morning gig on Channel 4 in 2020. I do hope the airwaves will be filled with sugary nonsense about her and the sardine-fingered girlfriend adjusting to motherhood. No doubt a fat cheque will accompany her new position as Britain’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres. Boxtickery makes me wants to fucking vomit.

Indeed. Better than the surly life-is-pain suck on a Gauloise Air France Trolley Dorises. They don’t shave their pits.

Singapore Airlines

Ran? I flew business class you stupid cunt.

Australian TV news anchors are openly laughing as this debacle is discussed by the talking heads, then boom, they cut to Jess Phillips in a spotty frock and the laughter goes stratospheric. A fucking shambles.

Quite. Wasn’t it true that you used to need four thumbs to unscrew the lid on the Colman’s, and that polydactyly was once known as “Cromer Claw” ?

Nauseating to see the Daily Mail going full reverse-ferret and launching a pro MMR campaign this morning. Now inconvenient facts like the return of measles to Tunbridge Wells are hoving into view, suddenly Tarquin and Jacinta are in immediate need of MMR and Andrew Wakefield is a tinfoil hat loony. Hilarious. The only upside is that it shows even the most entrenched and vitriolic campaigns from spit-flecked editors can be turned around once reality bites. If only there was another example springing to mind....

Horseshit. No gay man has ever made it over the Nullarbor alive, hence the thriving Rainbow community in Adelaide. And it’s Lesbians that start wildfires, Mon Ami. All that friction, see?

Repeat bollocks you goose-troubling twat. The Teeside Homunculus has her own thread. Try harder.

Dead Cunt. And French. C’est double pointes. Formidable!

I’d vote Green if I were you Decs. Norfolk will be underwater in 25 years.

Bryan Gunn had a very weird Bald Mullet going on back in the day, as I remember. Like many 90’s goalies he used to get dogs abuse with his back to the Away end. In fact it was one over-exuberant supporter threatening Neville Southall’s young family that convinced me football wasn’t for me any more. Can’t say I’ve missed it, until I got dragged to an AFL game recently and had flashbacks to the days of pissed up beMulleted men slagging off men they’d give their right arm to be.

Yes but it’s all worth it for the moment you hand them the FP10 for Proctosedyl and tell them they can shove it up their arse. “What, the prescription?”. I knew of a man who did just that, imagining than an oblong of green paper was a cure for his Farmers.

Sharon will surely develop a sudden urge to go down on Big Mo.

I’d have bet that Neil’s favourite Reg song would’ve been Someone Shagged My Wife Tonight. Followed inevitably by The Itch is Back and Goodbye Yellow Dick Hole.

Watermelon isn’t hyphenated you stupid fucking cunt.