King Billy

Got any more really interesting stories like this?

Reported

I’d watch my humpy old back if I were you Withers (which obviously I never will be). Mister Penelope giving you a like must surely shame you enough to finally embrace the long awaited outcome of the multitude of terminal cancers that you’ve been boasting about now for years. You won’t be missed. 👋

‘Great News, your funeral is at 10AM tomorrow’ would be far greater news you freaky, decrepit, prehistoric relic, stubborningly clinging onto a useless irrelevant life that no one cares about now or ever has done. Don’t dream of ever finding out that an ‘unknown Aunt’ has bequeathed you £5m as it’s never going to happen as you have no family or anyone at all who would even admit to knowing you. Fuck off.

Bed time already? Night night. Sleep tight and try not to fiddle all night you weird little cunt.

Scenario 4. Frank is what he’s always been…an absolute fucking disgrace.

Onward and upward. See you around dickwipe.

Rattled

I’m a race car in the red baby.

Not really. Please enlighten me as unlike you I’m not gay.

I reckon you live in a gashless society you weird little bender.

Reported

I’ve always thought of myself as immortal Baws since winning my first of several Monaco GPs at my first attempt in a hired Fiat Uno 1.3 after a 5 day coke, whores and Absinth binge on my imaginary mega yacht with my old mates from Monte Carlo secondary modern school. If James Hunt was still alive I’d race him to the offie and be back at the apartment having a threesome with him and Ayrton Sennas birds before his first pit stop. As for your M4s top speed, have you checked if the handbrake is on? Or maybe get a heavier right shoe.

Exclaimed the weird entity who calls himself ‘Dick Fiddler’ before laughing out loud several times on his own.

Epileptic fit apparently. Tragic. A pal of mine used to live with one of them. He sold me his washing machine and told me he didn’t need it anymore as he found that chucking all the dirty laundry into the bath with her did a far better job and the electric bills were a lot less too.

How’s about we call a truce and I come over to your place tomorrow night? I’m not promising anything but maybe I could show you how to open all those MENSA mags and if I’m feeling any stirring down below, we could go upstairs for a cuddle and possibly a bit of dry anal ATM before you swallow the lot and I fuck off to the pub? You can always ring me and apologise once you’ve waved bye bye to me and gone back upstairs and wiped your chin. I think this could be the start of something very special. 😘

When I’m driving through small country villages in my imaginary M4 I always watch my speed and make sure I never drop below 140 MPH until I’m well clear of any crusty old incontinent cunts carrying ‘SLOW DOWN’ placards under a cardboard box on a broom handle painted bright yellow. Same when I’m passing a school anywhere in London, say Wimbledon for example.

Howzat shit got all over my stump?

Don’t worry Schofield will be back soon.

Apparently it’s not that difficult to get hold of a gun in America nowadays Gypps. It’s a wonder no one’s suggested banning them. But seriously though Ive always liked guns and Warhol was a cunt anyway.

Who’s the leader?

According to my calculations 2576 new hospitals have opened in England in the past 3 years alone, fully staffed by the finest doctors and male nurses ever to have risked their lives crammed into inflatable dinghys sailing across the English Chanell, most of them holding only the I phone 14 and wearing the Armani suit they’ve walked across Europe in, leaving their brave wives and kids to fight the terrible wars in their homeland. It’s about time our government woke up, stopped wasting their own time and our money trying to stop all this carry on and focused their attention on why 2576 hotels in England are currently not taking bookings and closed for business for the foreseeable future?

Awww babe, that’s so sweet. If you keep being nice to me like this I might give in and let you have the best 10 minutes of your life some day soon. Obviously the first 9 and a half minutes of foreplay would be spent doing something you’ve never even imagined in your wildest fantasies. APOLOGISING. 😘

How long do you have to wait for your nails to dry before retrieving said vegetables in a fit state to serve up for lunch?

Do I look like Billy Lundy?