scotty Posted July 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 There was a queue of people trying to get onto my train in Germany, and I was late for an appointment. "Get a fucking move on!" I shouted. "Chop chop!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted July 19, 2016 Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 A bloke walks into church and says aloud "Where's the fucking priest in this shithole place?" A deacon hears and says "This is a place of the Lord, please refrain from using such language." "Get fucked!" the bloke replies. "Where's this priest twat then?" Hearing the commotion, the priest approaches and asks "What appears to be the trouble?" "There you are you wanker." says the bloke. "I've just won the fucking lottery, and I plan on making a donation to this fucking shithole." "I see." says the priest. "And is this cunt giving you a hard time?" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 20, 2016 Report Share Posted July 20, 2016 What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to the food bank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2016 I got out of the car, picked up my mobile and started dialling. "Excuse me sir," said the copper, "I've just pulled you over for speeding and dangerous driving. Who are you phoning?" "The police," I replied. "There is a policeman standing in front of you sir," he frowned. "You used a siren and a blue flashing light, didn't you?" I asked. "I certainly did," he replied. "Well, I'm an epileptic, and suffer from tinnitus," I said. "So, technically that constitutes assault." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 21, 2016 Report Share Posted July 21, 2016 When I was a little girl I heard the word 'masturbating' so I asked my mum what it meant. "Er it's where you amuse yourself". So proud that I'd learnt a new word, I went out and played on my bike. Next morning at school the teacher asked me what I did last night. I proudly said "I spent two hours masturbating". I got the piss slapped out of me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 21, 2016 Report Share Posted July 21, 2016 4 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said: When I was a little girl I heard the word 'masturbating' so I asked my mum what it meant. "Er it's where you amuse yourself". So proud that I'd learnt a new word, I went out and played on my bike. Next morning at school the teacher asked me what I did last night. I proudly said "I spent two hours masturbating". I got the piss slapped out of me. You're doing it wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Does anybody else find the F5 button refreshing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 "Does it come with a guarantee?" asked my customer. "Don't worry, madam" I replied. "Nothing leaves this shop until I'm completely satisfied." "That's reassuring," she smiled. "No it isn't," I said as I locked the door. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance from 1 to 10. Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 9, my best score yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 A long one.... WWII american soldier on a train on the way back from the front, the train was crowded and he couldn't find any spare seats. The only one was next to a French woman but she had her pet poodle sat on it. He asked her "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed at him saying "Americans are so rude, my little FiFi is using that seat" He walked up and down the train again, still no seats, so he asked the French woman again, "Please ma'am, I'm very tired, I've just come back from the front line" The French woman said "You americans are all arrogant, no!" The soldier picked up the dog and threw it out the window. The French woman shouted "Please! Someone must defend my honour!!" The English gentlemen seated next to her spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing, you hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, my dear fellow, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PANZER MURPHY Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 These two cannibals eating a clown..one sez to the other...he taste funny to you? Panzerknacker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 I've just been asked what ringtone I have. I said "I've never really looked, but probably light brown". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr Cunty Fuckwank Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class have their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher asks, "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shat on the carpet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr Cunty Fuckwank Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 A lesbian frog says to the other lesbian frog "Hmmm, you're right, we do taste of chicken!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr Cunty Fuckwank Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 1 hour ago, Mr Cunty Fuckwank said: A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." Pile of shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr Cunty Fuckwank Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 Just now, Bill Stickers said: Pile of shit. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted July 29, 2016 Report Share Posted July 29, 2016 A flash flood at a silica gel factory this morning has left thousands of people in absolu... Oh it's fine. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 I'm delighted by the Leave vote. Finally, we can stop this flood of fucking immigrants and have our country back. Anyway, I've got to go and change the dressing on my arm. It's not easy with one hand, but for some reason the care service is short staffed at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake The Muss Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 Hope this isn't taken as racist....what's all that brown stuff between King Kong's feet......very slow natives.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 I was thinking about getting a Labrador but on reflection, fuck that, have you see how many of their owners go blind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently a terribly insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 One night a little boy was awakened by noise coming from his parents bedroom. As he silently stood by the door and peeked through the keyhole, he saw his mother and dad shagging. The next morning, he asked his mother what they were doing. She replied: "Well, that's how you get babies." The following night, the incident repeated itself and the little boy saw his mother putting his Dad's cock in her mouth. The next morning he asked his mother the same question. She replied "That's how you get a new sofa" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 While Jim Appell struggled to check in to his French hotel, Gordon Morgan was desperately trying to order breakfast in his German one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted August 7, 2016 Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 Last night I bleached my cunt, only to discover that the bloke I married looks fucking stupid with blond hair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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