Guest Manky Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 I never got over my ex girlfriend. Had to walk round the fat cunt. I remember the day I bought her a pair of fishnets. Got them off a trawler in Grimsby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other. However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?” With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I asked in W H Smiths for the new book about blokes with tiny cocks. "I'm not sure if its in yet", she replied. I said "thats the one." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 6 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said: A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night. When the couple arrives at the woman’s apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other. However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, “before you take them off….is it true what they say about black guys?” With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said “baby, of course.” He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse. Dribbling a basketball down the street. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 My girlfriend says she is sick and tired of me pretending to be a detective all the time, and reckons we should split up. Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 6 minutes ago, nocti said: My girlfriend says she is sick and tired of me pretending to be a detective all the time, and reckons we should split up. Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way. Have you seen 'Rosemary's Baby'? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Beast Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 A teacher asks pupils to say a sentence containing the work contagious. Johnny stands up and says, "when you cough or sneeze you should put your hand in front of your mouth to stop spreading germs that are contagious" Tommy stands up and says, "My mummy wouldn't let me see my cousin last week because he had chicken pox and could still be contagious" Kai stands up and says, "My dad saw our neighbour painting his house. My dad said why is he using a 2 inch brush? It will take the cunt ages" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I hope the teacher told Kai that what he said didn't answer the question correctly as he had misunderstood what his dad had said and then proceeded to inform the headteacher and parents about the use of such foul language in front of an impressionable child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 My wife got home and caught me in bed with a female midget. "You fucking bastard," she screamed, "you promised never to cheat on me again." I said "give me a bit of credit, at least I'm cutting down." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 12, 2016 Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 I used to date an English teacher a few years back. She dumped me as she didn't agree with my improper use of the colon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted July 12, 2016 Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 On 11 July 2016 at 11:19 AM, Frank said: Have you seen 'Rosemary's Baby'? I've seen her rat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 12, 2016 Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 I was walking through the cemetery this morning when I saw a man crouching amongst the gravestones. "Morning" I said. "No" he replied "I'm having a shit". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 3 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said: I was walking through the cemetery this morning when I saw a man crouching amongst the gravestones. "Morning" I said. "No" he replied "I'm having a shit". You beauty, gypps. I'd forgotten that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 I always get excited by women in strappy high heels. Because they'll never outrun me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 One of these jokes was so funny I sent it to every single one of my mates. "lol", he texted back. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 Just off for my last beer delivery of the night, right in the middle of Nice. I'm not sure it was a great idea to have drunk quite so much of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, isn't it?" Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 I fucked a girl with a prosthetic leg last night. It probably would've been easier to use my cock. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 15, 2016 Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 What's the square root of 69? Ate something. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 I read about moslem women wearing the hijab to prevent outsiders becoming aroused by their beauty. Imagine my disappointment when I managed to corner one on Rohypnol Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 My girlfriend asked shyly, "do you ever wish that I shaved my pussy when you go down on me?" "Certainly not," I said indignantly. "So you like the natural feeling then," she smiled. "Not really," I replied, "but it's saving me a fortune on dental floss." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Finally got my holiday booked!! I found an unbelievable last-minute deal, flying tomorrow. I can't wait. I've never been to Turkey before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 All my wife does is rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. It's costing me a fortune in batteries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted July 18, 2016 Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 What's the best way to eat a frog? Put her legs behind her ears. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 18, 2016 Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull in a playground. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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