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Split Load Shoppers


Ape™️

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You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

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Guest Bill Stickers

I've never seen someone do this. What is the benefit? Some kind of VAT scam or coupon obsessed pikeys?

Or do you just live next to a mental home for OCD sufferers? 

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3 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

I've never seen someone do this. What is the benefit? Some kind of VAT scam or coupon obsessed pikeys?

Or do you just live next to a mental home for OCD sufferers? 

They are generally shopping for other people. Probably being good neighbours to an elderly person, but this doesn't make them any less of a cunt.

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Guest Bill Stickers
1 minute ago, Ape said:

They are generally shopping for other people. Probably being good neighbours to an elderly person.

Ah right not surprising I'd never heard of this. Fucking mugs. 

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Guest Bill Stickers
6 minutes ago, The Beast said:

It is a bit unfair to ask Punkape's carers to pay for his incontinence pads.

PunkApe has to shove an industrial sized plug up his arse these days. Incontinence pads wouldn't last 5 minutes the amount of leakage pouring out of his hideous anus. 

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Guest Piston
3 hours ago, Ape said:

You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

...and end up shaking out some coins that aren't even legal tender anymore...and then start arguing with the cashier...and then find some discount coupons, which are a year out of date...and re-start arguing...

Holy fuck! I hate those cunts.

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Guest DingTheRioja
3 hours ago, Ape said:

You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

You forgot the bit where they don't leave the other end of the fucking checkout, but stand there in the way muttering shit like "ooooh, now should that cream bun have been in Mables' bag and the eclairs in Ethels' bag?..."

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3 hours ago, Ape said:

You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

This nom would have more success if you had said 'SPILT Load', thus guaranteeing at least 10 replies from Punkey. 

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Guest Wizardsleeve
4 hours ago, The Beast said:

It is a bit unfair to ask Punkape's carers to pay for his incontinence pads.

It's a bit unfair to expect everybody to share oxygen so he can continue to live.  

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Guest I know that Cunt
4 hours ago, Ape said:

You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

You do live a fucking exciting life don't you Norris?

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You can be a brain surgeon, but enter the portals of Tesco's, Waitrose or whatever the fuck (they do a really great customer rewards programme - you should check it out) and you're reduced to some drooling fuckwit, barely past the 'flinging his own faeces about' stage.

Spatial awareness? Fuck that! I'll park this trolley across the aisle whilst I fondle every egg in the box to make sure its karma is right - and no cunt will tell me otherwise!

Speed and efficiency? - Are you out of your mind? I'm approaching this gig like Ayrton Senna, only I mean after the accident!

Consideration for Others? - You might as well don Harry Potters invisibility cloak. It's like Nice when the Muslim got all uppity and decided to turn the promenade into a Human Bowling Alley. Trolleys shoved into your hamstrings. Feral kids running into you. Feral Adults encouraging them. The 'checkout process as adjunct to your social life' passion-play, involving a 7 minute conversation with Checkout Droog, in glorious ignorance of the line of shoppers wishing you were dead, as steam emerges from their ears.

I'm pretty certain Dante had 'The Supermarket' as his undiscovered tenth circle of hell - 'cept the cunt was too busy finding a trolley without eccentric wheels to have time to write about it.

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On ‎04‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 4:32 PM, Ape said:

You're scanning the queues in the supermarket (let's say Tesco to keep the arse-putter happy) looking for a quick escape, and you spot a relatively small trolley load being placed on the conveyor. Thinking you've found a fast route out, you begin unloading your goods behind. Then you notice it. Multiple dividers in the shopping, and you realise you're stuck behind a split loader. They generally pay for each segment of the goods with cash, and will fuck about in their purse (because these cunts are predominantly female) looking for the odd penny to allow exact money to change hands. The quick escape is fucked, and you have to just watch and endure the tedious fucking transaction.

Paying by cash, luxury. In France anybody over 50 still pay by fucking cheque!, but first they redeem about 30 vouchers, which are checked individually. They stand there whilst items are scanned, and only when the cashier has told them the amount, do they then start the search for the fucking cheque book in their bag. Tearing the cheque out the book, handing to the cashier who prints it, handing it back to the customer who reads it in detail, signs it, and hands it back to the cashier takes another 5 minutes. Only then does the cunt start putting the goods back into the trolley, whilst stopping every 4th item to chat with the cashier who happens to be her cousins illegitimate  daughter from a liaison with a swarthy sailor in Marseilles. Then the cashier leans over the desk, gives the old crone several bissous and says au revoir 8 times.  Soppy French cunts are we not. Vivre

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1 hour ago, Punkape said:

You probably have plague....

Gay Plague...

lol.

Not yet, no. I suppose there would be a slight risk of transference via the blood spray from my Dr Marten's crunching through your paper-thin misshapen skull, but I think that would be a risk well worth taking.

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