Roadkill Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 I haven't smoked in years, and even when I did it was with a generous serving of wacky baccy, but today I decided to get a 20 pack of Richmonds King Size from the local petrol station (apparently 10 packs are illegal now) to take the edge off being stuck in the house all day with nowt to do other than imitate @Erroreptile404 by brushing the dust off the old Xbox or having a wank. I have to say the experience was quite enjoyable and totally worth the threats and warnings on the box that there was a 99% chance I would get horrible cancer and drop dead after smoking one - I mean, lets be honest, the chances of horrible cancer in the near future have increased dramatically anyway with the looming possibility of nuclear Armageddon, the increased reliance on frozen and preserved foods and @Mrs Roops posting pictures of her black hole again. I think I might even be a cunt later and smoke a few in the back garden so next door's constantly screaming kids can have some second hand smoke - perhaps their awful legging wearing, man-bun sporting and quite possibly vegan father will rush them inside to protect their precious little lungs and give the rest of the street some well-needed peace and quiet. The possibilities really are endless once you get past the whole life-shortening drivel plastered all over the box. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 This plague certainly puts the perils of smoking into perspective. In fact French scientists are looking into the stats on smokers and non smokers contracting Covid 19. The smokers seem to be more immune at this time. Therefore I am happily sitting in my wine cellar, chain smoking Churchill Cigars, with a goose on my lap. Keep blowing smoke into your neighbour's garden, and kill the lentil loving cunts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 14 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: This plague certainly puts the perils of smoking into perspective. In fact French scientists are looking into the stats on smokers and non smokers contracting Covid 19. The smokers seem to be more immune at this time. Therefore I am happily sitting in my wine cellar, chain smoking Churchill Cigars, with a goose on my lap. Keep blowing smoke into your neighbour's garden, and kill the lentil loving cunts. Have you ever smoked a camel? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest judgetwi Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 41 minutes ago, Dawn Chorus said: Have you ever smoked a camel? When I was a kid a camel gobbed on me in Bristol zoo. Massive great flob it was, all in my hair and running down my face. These days I could claim compo for that but my parents just laughed and took photos. Cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, judgetwi said: When I was a kid a camel gobbed on me in Bristol zoo. Massive great flob it was, all in my hair and running down my face. These days I could claim compo for that but my parents just laughed and took photos. Cunts. You have never got over it have you? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted April 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, judgetwi said: When I was a kid a camel gobbed on me in Bristol zoo. Massive great flob it was, all in my hair and running down my face. These days I could claim compo for that but my parents just laughed and took photos. Cunts. Bet it wasn't the last time you took one to the face... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunty BigBollox Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 22 minutes ago, judgetwi said: When I was a kid a camel gobbed on me in Bristol zoo. Massive great flob it was, all in my hair and running down my face. These days I could claim compo for that but my parents just laughed and took photos. Cunts. I bet you had the right hump after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest judgetwi Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 49 minutes ago, Dawn Chorus said: You have never got over it have you? 48 minutes ago, Roadkill said: Bet it wasn't the last time you took one to the face... 29 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said: I bet you had the right hump after that. Vicious heartless bastards. ...........and cunts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Roadkill said: Bet it wasn't the last time you took one to the face... Camels, kebab shop owners, there's a link. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 3 hours ago, Witheredscrote said: Camels, kebab shop owners, there's a link. Explains why judgetwat is so addicted to such hearty eastern cuisine. He's subconsciously drawn to these camel land spawned wogs perhaps to get payback on the dromedary that spaffed on him. Little does he know it's the other way round- Abdul and his mates jizz in the garlic mayo he likes so much. That camels vendetta runs deep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest judgetwi Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 41 minutes ago, Stubby Pecker said: Explains why judgetwat is so addicted to such hearty eastern cuisine. He's subconsciously drawn to these camel land spawned wogs perhaps to get payback on the dromedary that spaffed on him. Little does he know it's the other way round- Abdul and his mates jizz in the garlic mayo he likes so much. That camels vendetta runs deep Well I hate garlic and i’m allergic to mayonnaise but I take your point. How come, round my way the two chicken shops are closed, the pizza and Chinky takeaways are closed but Abdul has been open from the beginning of the shutdown? I wonder why that is? Actually, call me Mr Hypocrite but I have a hankering for a chicken shish right now. As for the camels, your scholarly and, no doubt, well researched thesis on my subliminal and historical psychological state of mind has a certain merit I believe. All I can tell you is that the next camel who looks at me the wrong way is going to get his Jihadi bollocks kicked to shit. The cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Roadkill said: I haven't smoked in years, and even when I did it was with a generous serving of wacky baccy, but today I decided to get a 20 pack of Richmonds King Size from the local petrol station (apparently 10 packs are illegal now) to take the edge off being stuck in the house all day with nowt to do other than imitate @Erroreptile404 by brushing the dust off the old Xbox or having a wank. I have to say the experience was quite enjoyable and totally worth the threats and warnings on the box that there was a 99% chance I would get horrible cancer and drop dead after smoking one - I mean, lets be honest, the chances of horrible cancer in the near future have increased dramatically anyway with the looming possibility of nuclear Armageddon, the increased reliance on frozen and preserved foods and @Mrs Roops posting pictures of her black hole again. I think I might even be a cunt later and smoke a few in the back garden so next door's constantly screaming kids can have some second hand smoke - perhaps their awful legging wearing, man-bun sporting and quite possibly vegan father will rush them inside to protect their precious little lungs and give the rest of the street some well-needed peace and quiet. The possibilities really are endless once you get past the whole life-shortening drivel plastered all over the box. If rumour is anything to go by, Punkers is a 60 a day man of his own special brand and is particularly partial to puffing on one of his ready-rubbed dark shags. Edited April 30, 2020 by 'eavensabove WASHING MY HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted April 30, 2020 Report Share Posted April 30, 2020 Panza used nicotine patches to give up smoking. He found them to be so successful that he's applying wrappers to his arms to give up eating chocolate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 1 hour ago, 'eavensabove said: Panza used nicotine patches to give up smoking. He found them to be so successful that he's applying wrappers to his arms to give up eating chocolate. He found the patches were a bastard to roll up and light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bernard Fuck Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 9 hours ago, Roadkill said: I have to say the experience was quite enjoyable Seriously? I'm on the wagon for a few months now and the times I've faltered (about 4 I think), the nicotine was great but the taste was fucking atrocious, did you not have anything like that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 4 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said: He found the patches were a bastard to roll up and light. Do you remember the tip for saving money on smoking, in Viz, years ago. 'Why not roll up a net curtain in a public bar and smoke it' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted May 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 6 hours ago, Bernard Fuck said: Seriously? I'm on the wagon for a few months now and the times I've faltered (about 4 I think), the nicotine was great but the taste was fucking atrocious, did you not have anything like that? I used to get it about four years ago just before I quit smoking it with ganja, but I was smoking four spliffs a night from about 7PM to 4AM every day then, no filters, just a loosely rolled roach in the big Rizla silvers with Golden Virginia baccy and almost no putting the fuckers down once they were lit until they were finished. Eventually I was just smoking it to get asleep at night and not enjoying it at all and when I did go cold turkey I had no interest in regular cigs - even turned into a vape wanker for a while, but that stuff fucks with your chest more than baccy IMO. Think I've just had enough time to enjoy the simple pleasures, especially because the baccy was just the stuff I used to save weed back in the day anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 8 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said: He found the patches were a bastard to roll up and light. He's also still got the scars from the burns on his arms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 11 hours ago, judgetwi said: Well I hate garlic and i’m allergic to mayonnaise but I take your point. How come, round my way the two chicken shops are closed, the pizza and Chinky takeaways are closed but Abdul has been open from the beginning of the shutdown? I wonder why that is? Actually, call me Mr Hypocrite but I have a hankering for a chicken shish right now. As for the camels, your scholarly and, no doubt, well researched thesis on my subliminal and historical psychological state of mind has a certain merit I believe. All I can tell you is that the next camel who looks at me the wrong way is going to get his Jihadi bollocks kicked to shit. The cunt. The irony is the local pub near me is doing chinky take away nights on Saturday. Mrs Pecker would like to have a go but I wont for ethical reasons. This was started by the slopes in a lab, according to The Don, so I'll be fucked if I'm eating their scran ever again. As for the camel jockey food, I found the local nosh extremely disappointing whenever I've visited the middle east. Good currys in Dubai though thanks to 30 thousand Bangladeshi worker on $1 a day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PANZER MURPHY Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 12 hours ago, 'eavensabove said: Panza used nicotine patches to give up smoking. He found them to be so successful that he's applying wrappers to his arms to give up eating chocolate. Fuck patches 'eav baby..gotta have a few vices ya know..ive a vape pipe thing in the shape of a sax ..see the frogs reckon nicotine could be the shield from the plague..i recommend baileys irish cream flavour juice 18mg..puff on baby.. PANZERMURPHYBABY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 6 hours ago, Witheredscrote said: Do you remember the tip for saving money on smoking, in Viz, years ago. 'Why not roll up a net curtain in a public bar and smoke it' Dont remember that one. I think Top Tips and readers letters were the saving grace for that comic in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 6 hours ago, Witheredscrote said: Do you remember the tip for saving money on smoking, in Viz, years ago. 'Why not roll up a net curtain in a public bar and smoke it' It was also in the Liquorice Papers but went up in a puff of smoke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 12 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: Dont remember that one. I think Top Tips and readers letters were the saving grace for that comic in the end. Giving up smoking is easy, Gyps. I've done it hundred's of times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said: Giving up smoking is easy, Gyps. I've done it hundred's of times. I quit nearly 30 years ago. I was on 40 a day. Three years after, I was at a party and had a cheeky ciggie. I spewed my fucking guts up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerncunt Posted May 1, 2020 Report Share Posted May 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said: Giving up smoking is easy, Gyps. I've done it hundred's of times. Giving up posting would be harder, but would benefit more people. Passive banality and all that, old chap. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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