IKEA Tottenham (probably applicable to all IKEAs though)

[Guest Bill Stickers]

I was convinced to take a drive to the nuclear wastelands of north London on the weekend by some friends to visit one of these things for the first time. 

The very fact this giant blue fucking pseudo-Swedish monstrosity was located in an industrial estate in Tottenham should have been a giant red flag, but I was very hungover and promised top quality Swedish meatballs.

I've never encountered such a hive of scum and villany in my entire life, it was even worse than that time I ended up in Skipton listening to bassline. 

First things first, the meatballs are reconstituted, anemic shit of the lowest quality. The kind of slop a single mum in Glasgow buys in Iceland to serve to her ASBO-collecting kids. 

On the topic of kids, the entire place is a giant fucking crèche of screaming, shitting little gremlins under the age of 6, running amok, breaking the displays and generally being a right fucking nuisance. 

The average person in there was clearly too tight to pay for a baby sitter, so they just make the poor minimum wage cunts in there look after their children whilst they fawn over £12.50 mattresses.

Most of the furniture, whilst appearing reasonably priced, looks flimsy as fuck. The Swedes must be laughing all the way to the bank at all these wankers thinking they are asserting their originality and personality by purchasing a mass produced, apparently wacky looking plastic plant or concept toaster.

Pile of shit. Fuck off. 

[Guest Drew P Pissflaps]

2 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

 

I've never encountered such a hive of scum and villany in my entire life, 

It'll be Christmas soon and an opportunity for spending time with your family that will no doubt top trump this memory.

[Cuntybaws]

Terence Conran is a cunt.

[Guest luke swarm]

3 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

I was convinced to take a drive to the nuclear wastelands of north London on the weekend by some friends to visit one of these things for the first time. 

The very fact this giant blue fucking pseudo-Swedish monstrosity was located in an industrial estate in Tottenham should have been a giant red flag, but I was very hungover and promised top quality Swedish meatballs.

I've never encountered such a hive of scum and villany in my entire life, it was even worse than that time I ended up in Skipton listening to bassline. 

First things first, the meatballs are reconstituted, anemic shit of the lowest quality. The kind of slop a single mum in Glasgow buys in Iceland to serve to her ASBO-collecting kids. 

On the topic of kids, the entire place is a giant fucking crèche of screaming, shitting little gremlins under the age of 6, running amok, breaking the displays and generally being a right fucking nuisance. 

The average person in there was clearly too tight to pay for a baby sitter, so they just make the poor minimum wage cunts in there look after their children whilst they fawn over £12.50 mattresses.

Most of the furniture, whilst appearing reasonably priced, looks flimsy as fuck. The Swedes must be laughing all the way to the bank at all these wankers thinking they are asserting their originality and personality by purchasing a mass produced, apparently wacky looking plastic plant or concept toaster.

Pile of shit. Fuck off. 

totally agree, also did you notice that you have to go thru every cunting section to finally escape this horror......the food section is located at the final exit point to completely destroy the spirit. I went once a couple of years ago and now if forced to go, I sit in the car for an hour or two...its more interesting to watch all the stupid cunts trying to fit this junk into their too small cars.

 

[Guest Bill Stickers]

1 minute ago, luke swarm said:

totally agree, also did you notice that you have to go thru every cunting section to finally escape this horror......the food section is located at the final exit point to completely destroy the spirit. I went once a couple of years ago and now if forced to go, I sit in the car for an hour or two...its more interesting to watch all the stupid cunts trying to fit this junk into their too small cars.

You know that horrible hungover feeling you get where you just feel hot and sweaty at the slightest excercise?

I had that for two hours. I nearly ended it all in the cutlery section with a small butter knife. 

[Guest Manky]

I can't understand why a terrorist organisation would open a furniture store apart from the flat pack elephant market.

When Osama founded IKEA in the Hindu Kush, I bet furniture was the last thing on his mind. Although them Jenga towers fit with the rest of the range.

[Bubba C]

You know you've met a real cunt when you find an IKEA special Audrey Hepburn print hanging pride of place in their cardboard walled new-build, as happened to me when visiting a colleague of my wife recently. 

She was told in no uncertain terms to never invite me to anything ever again, and that her 'friend', is actually a 'cunt'. 

[Guest Bill Stickers]

30 minutes ago, Manky said:

I can't understand why a terrorist organisation would open a furniture store apart from the flat pack elephant market.

When Osama founded IKEA in the Hindu Kush, I bet furniture was the last thing on his mind. Although them Jenga towers fit with the rest of the range.

I appreciate you taking the time to dip your toes into my nom Manky, without resorting immediately to much deserved personal abuse but... this is your worst output to date. A parody of your thick self. 

[Guest luke swarm]

Just now, Bill Stickers said:

I appreciate you taking the time to dip your toes into my nom Manky, without resorting immediately to much deserved personal abuse but... this is your worst output to date. A parody of your thick self. 

I think he was just trying to lure "I know that cunt" out to play............IKTC usually cannot resist an obvious mistake such as astrology and astronomy. Good try Manky.

[Guest Tata Steely Dan]

47 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

I was convinced to take a drive to the nuclear wastelands of north London on the weekend by some friends to visit one of these things for the first time. 

The very fact this giant blue fucking pseudo-Swedish monstrosity was located in an industrial estate in Tottenham should have been a giant red flag, but I was very hungover and promised top quality Swedish meatballs.

I've never encountered such a hive of scum and villany in my entire life, it was even worse than that time I ended up in Skipton listening to bassline. 

First things first, the meatballs are reconstituted, anemic shit of the lowest quality. The kind of slop a single mum in Glasgow buys in Iceland to serve to her ASBO-collecting kids. 

On the topic of kids, the entire place is a giant fucking crèche of screaming, shitting little gremlins under the age of 6, running amok, breaking the displays and generally being a right fucking nuisance. 

The average person in there was clearly too tight to pay for a baby sitter, so they just make the poor minimum wage cunts in there look after their children whilst they fawn over £12.50 mattresses.

Most of the furniture, whilst appearing reasonably priced, looks flimsy as fuck. The Swedes must be laughing all the way to the bank at all these wankers thinking they are asserting their originality and personality by purchasing a mass produced, apparently wacky looking plastic plant or concept toaster.

Pile of shit. Fuck off. 

Cheer up William, you'll be dead one day! 

[Guest Manky]

3 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

I appreciate you taking the time to dip your toes into my nom Manky, without resorting immediately to much deserved personal abuse but... this is your worst output to date. A parody of your thick self. 

Thank you. I am glad you appreciate my effort in introducing a bit of class to a totally moribund nom. My bore-o-meter went of the scales by your 3rd word and never recovered so I dived in the nearest phonebox and slipped my trollies over my Keck's in order to assist you.

[Guest Wizardsleeve]

20 hours ago, luke swarm said:

totally agree, also did you notice that you have to go thru every cunting section to finally escape this horror......the food section is located at the final exit point to completely destroy the spirit. I went once a couple of years ago and now if forced to go, I sit in the car for an hour or two...its more interesting to watch all the stupid cunts trying to fit this junk into their too small cars.

 

Don't forget the comedic value of observing the morbidly obese bastards circling like vultures for the closest possible parking bays, because any amount of physical exertion causes them to sweat their clothes through. When trying to leave, they collide with each other like amusement park bumper cars because they can't turn their heads enough to see their fellow tuskers approaching for their close parking bay, and the inevitable flurry of slurred obscenities that freely flow from their multi chinned gobs because their air fin and Burberry paint are damaged. 

Good times. 

[colonelkurtz]

Also take a stroll round your local Costco for the ultimate greedy materialistic  hoarding bastard experience. See the mega capacity trolleys stuffed to bursting with multi pack monster munch , toilet rolls , sides of beef  and everything and anything else needed to survive the forthcoming apocalypse. All this of course brought to you by the land of the dickwad and home of the shit for brains , muurrica.

[Guest I know that Cunt]

22 hours ago, Bill Stickers said:

I was convinced to take a drive to the nuclear wastelands of north London on the weekend by some friends to visit one of these things for the first time. 

The very fact this giant blue fucking pseudo-Swedish monstrosity was located in an industrial estate in Tottenham should have been a giant red flag, but I was very hungover and promised top quality Swedish meatballs.

I've never encountered such a hive of scum and villany in my entire life, it was even worse than that time I ended up in Skipton listening to bassline. 

First things first, the meatballs are reconstituted, anemic shit of the lowest quality. The kind of slop a single mum in Glasgow buys in Iceland to serve to her ASBO-collecting kids. 

On the topic of kids, the entire place is a giant fucking crèche of screaming, shitting little gremlins under the age of 6, running amok, breaking the displays and generally being a right fucking nuisance. 

The average person in there was clearly too tight to pay for a baby sitter, so they just make the poor minimum wage cunts in there look after their children whilst they fawn over £12.50 mattresses.

Most of the furniture, whilst appearing reasonably priced, looks flimsy as fuck. The Swedes must be laughing all the way to the bank at all these wankers thinking they are asserting their originality and personality by purchasing a mass produced, apparently wacky looking plastic plant or concept toaster.

Pile of shit. Fuck off. 

Wow, you do live a fucking exciting life don't you? Pile of shit is about right. Fuck off.

 

 

[Witheredscrote]

22 hours ago, Tata Steely Dan said:

Cheer up William, you'll be dead one day! 

Going back 9 months through his posts I see that he has died on here many times.

[Guest luke swarm]

3 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said:

Don't forget the comedic value of observing the morbidly obese bastards circling like vultures for the closest possible parking bays, because any amount of physical exertion causes them to sweat their clothes through. When trying to leave, they collide with each other like amusement park bumper cars because they can't turn their heads enough to see their fellow tuskers approaching for their close parking bay, and the inevitable flurry of slurred obscenities that freely flow from their multi chinned gobs because their air fin and Burberry paint are damaged. 

Good times. 

I seem to have chanced upon one of your regular Saturday afternoon pastimes Sleeve.  

[Guest deebom]

I dont mind Ikea. It's better than Texas Homecare and MFI were.

[Guest Bill Stickers]

2 hours ago, I know that Cunt said:

Wow, you do live a fucking exciting life don't you? Pile of shit is about right. Fuck off.

Great stuff. Looking forward to your next concise input or vintage nom. 

[Decimus]

Thankfully there isn't one of these within 100 miles of me.

The furniture looks like the sort of recycled shite that's been reclaimed and ethically sourced from a Greenpeace commune. It's flimsy crap that falls apart if you so much as cough in its general direction.

The only people who buy it are the sort of cunts who purchase "chill out" albums and listen to Sigur Ros and Royksopp in between watching Wallander and The Killing.

Scandinavian fucking shit and I don't care for it at all.

[Guest Donner and chips]

Sticklecell is just pissed off that they don't stock a flat pack sybian machine. Scandimong

[Guest Donner and chips]

5 minutes ago, Decimus said:

Thankfully there isn't one of these within 100 miles of me.

The furniture looks like the sort of recycled shite that's been reclaimed and ethically sourced from a Greenpeace commune. It's flimsy crap that falls apart if you so much as cough in its general direction.

The only people who buy it are the sort of cunts who buy "chill out" albums and listen to Sigur Ros and Royksopp in between watching Wallander and The Killing.

Scandinavian fucking shit and I don't care for it at all.

Who the fuck buys albums grandad?

[Decimus]

2 minutes ago, Donner and chips said:

Who the fuck buys albums grandad?

The kind of cunt who shops at IKEA. I don't think I could have been any clearer that I'm not one of those. If it confused you then I apologise now for not anticipating what a stupid fucking cunt you are when I typed this out.

[Guest Lady Penelope]

What about Quasi Christians .. should they be gassed?

[Neil]

30 minutes ago, Decimus said:

Thankfully there isn't one of these within 100 miles of me.

The furniture looks like the sort of recycled shite that's been reclaimed and ethically sourced from a Greenpeace commune. It's flimsy crap that falls apart if you so much as cough in its general direction.

The only people who buy it are the sort of cunts who purchase "chill out" albums and listen to Sigur Ros and Royksopp in between watching Wallander and The Killing.

Scandinavian fucking shit and I don't care for it at all.

You're not a resident of Norfolk anymore then?.Had you not noticed the fucking shit pit that opened up at Sweet Briar?.When it opened the queue of sad fuckers eager to get their hands on a cardboard Tv unit clogged the fucking ring road up for miles,it was like a row of worker ants from there to McDonalds full of chavvy kids and fat fuck Kyle-ites from Lakenham

[camberwell gypsy]

IKEA is for the middle class idiots who buy their fucking meatballs and think how trendy they are and council estate idiots who think it's a step up from Argos.