scotty Posted August 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 "Could I have one of those leaflets about penis size?" I asked the receptionist. "As quickly as you can please, I'm late for my appointment." "How long have you got?" she asked. I said "That's the one." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 9, 2016 Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TwatCuntFuck Posted August 10, 2016 Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 Ey up, Scotty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TwatCuntFuck Posted August 10, 2016 Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 "Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?" Well Karen, it might be because you keep throwing your food away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted August 10, 2016 Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 On 08/08/2016 at 10:11 AM, scotty said: "Could I have one of those leaflets about penis size?" I asked the receptionist. "As quickly as you can please, I'm late for my appointment." "How long have you got?" she asked. I said "That's the one." Scotty, I have given you a 'like'. When this nom reaches 100 pages will you promise to top yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 10, 2016 Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 2 hours ago, TwatCuntFuck said: Ey up, Scotty. I hope you're not another one of those South coast scummers? Only we've already got one of them, and frankly that's already one too many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 5 hours ago, witheredscrote said: Scotty, I have given you a 'like'. When this nom reaches 100 pages will you promise to top yourself. Scrotes, I very much doubt that either of us will still be alive when this thread reaches 100 pages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 3 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: I hope you're not another one of those South coast scummers? Only we've already got one of them, and frankly that's already one too many. It's probably rothers, baws. He drops in every couple of years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TwatCuntFuck Posted August 10, 2016 Report Share Posted August 10, 2016 5 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: I hope you're not another one of those South coast scummers? Only we've already got one of them, and frankly that's already one too many. No, Ireland, to be sure to be sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 11, 2016 Report Share Posted August 11, 2016 13 hours ago, TwatCuntFuck said: No, Ireland, to be sure to be sure. There's a condom joke in there somewhere. Maybe two. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 11, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2016 I was helping Justin Bieber to arrange his new song. "What pitch should it be in?" he asked. "I'm thinking G for the verse and D for the chorus." "I'd rather put you in A and E," I replied. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2016 I've had a craving for chickpea dip lately, and I always listen to my Wham collection while I'm eating it. I think I might be a houmousexual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 14, 2016 Report Share Posted August 14, 2016 Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted August 15, 2016 Report Share Posted August 15, 2016 I met by girlfriend outside the pawnbrokers where I gave her a kiss under the balls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2016 "I'm worried about my sex life with the girlfriend," I told my mate. "She seems to have lost interest." "Try being rough with her," he suggested. "Pull her hair a bit, slap her arse, tell her she's a dirty whore, that kind of thing." "Christ mate," I said. "I don't think she'd like that." "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "She fucking loves it." . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted August 15, 2016 Report Share Posted August 15, 2016 8 minutes ago, scotty said: "I'm worried about my sex life with the girlfriend," I told my mate. "She seems to have lost interest." "Try being rough with her," he suggested. "Pull her hair a bit, slap her arse, tell her she's a dirty whore, that kind of thing." "Christ mate," I said. "I don't think she'd like that." "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "She fucking loves it." . I laughed until I stopped Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted August 15, 2016 Report Share Posted August 15, 2016 On 14 August 2016 at 9:50 AM, Wizardsleeve said: Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!! Snappy delivery Wiz, you drivelling chimp. Fuck me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 I took Mrs Manky to a seafood restraint. The owner, Gervais, came over and asked what I would like. I looked in the big tank and said, "I'll have squid". Gervais asked which one as they had several squids. I told him I would like a green one and he pointed out that there were several shades of green squids. I said that I would have a lime green one. Gervais asked me which lime green squid I would like as there were two in the tank so I told him I would like the one with a moustache. Gervais got a net, caught the lime green squid with a moustache and took it through to the kitchen. Getting a big chopper, Gervais was just about to send the squid to meet his maker when the squid turned to look at him with a little tear trickling from his eye. Gervais put the chopper down and thought, "I can't do this to this cute little squid", and called for his head dish washer, Hans, to despatch the squid. Now Hans was hard as nails. An ex SS concentration camp guard with a penchant for casual violence. Hans picked up the chopper and was just about to kill the squid when it looked up at Hans with a little tear trickling from the corner of his eye. Hans let go of his chopper and said, "Sorry boss, I can't do this." Which just goes to show, Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with lime green hairy lipped squid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 30 minutes ago, Manky said: I took Mrs Manky to a seafood restraint. The owner, Gervais, came over and asked what I would like. I looked in the big tank and said, "I'll have squid". Gervais asked which one as they had several squids. I told him I would like a green one and he pointed out that there were several shades of green squids. I said that I would have a lime green one. Gervais asked me which lime green squid I would like as there were two in the tank so I told him I would like the one with a moustache. Gervais got a net, caught the lime green squid with a moustache and took it through to the kitchen. Getting a big chopper, Gervais was just about to send the squid to meet his maker when the squid turned to look at him with a little tear trickling from his eye. Gervais put the chopper down and thought, "I can't do this to this cute little squid", and called for his head dish washer, Hans, to despatch the squid. Now Hans was hard as nails. An ex SS concentration camp guard with a penchant for casual violence. Hans picked up the chopper and was just about to kill the squid when it looked up at Hans with a little tear trickling from the corner of his eye. Hans let go of his chopper and said, "Sorry boss, I can't do this." Which just goes to show, Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with lime green hairy lipped squid. Manky, I hope something happens to you in the near future, that makes the hellish video scene in Event Horizon look like something shown on CBeebies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Manky Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 12 minutes ago, nocti said: Manky, I hope something happens to you in the near future, that makes the hellish video scene in Event Horizon look like something shown on CBeebies. Thank you. Your fawning adulation is noted. Now fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted August 16, 2016 Report Share Posted August 16, 2016 8 hours ago, Manky said: I took Mrs Manky to a seafood restraint. The owner, Gervais, came over and asked what I would like. I looked in the big tank and said, "I'll have squid". Gervais asked which one as they had several squids. I told him I would like a green one and he pointed out that there were several shades of green squids. I said that I would have a lime green one. Gervais asked me which lime green squid I would like as there were two in the tank so I told him I would like the one with a moustache. Gervais got a net, caught the lime green squid with a moustache and took it through to the kitchen. Getting a big chopper, Gervais was just about to send the squid to meet his maker when the squid turned to look at him with a little tear trickling from his eye. Gervais put the chopper down and thought, "I can't do this to this cute little squid", and called for his head dish washer, Hans, to despatch the squid. Now Hans was hard as nails. An ex SS concentration camp guard with a penchant for casual violence. Hans picked up the chopper and was just about to kill the squid when it looked up at Hans with a little tear trickling from the corner of his eye. Hans let go of his chopper and said, "Sorry boss, I can't do this." Which just goes to show, Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with lime green hairy lipped squid. Stupid cunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted August 17, 2016 Report Share Posted August 17, 2016 22 hours ago, Manky said: I took Mrs Manky to a seafood restraint. The owner, Gervais, came over and asked what I would like. I looked in the big tank and said, "I'll have squid". Gervais asked which one as they had several squids. I told him I would like a green one and he pointed out that there were several shades of green squids. I said that I would have a lime green one. Gervais asked me which lime green squid I would like as there were two in the tank so I told him I would like the one with a moustache. Gervais got a net, caught the lime green squid with a moustache and took it through to the kitchen. Getting a big chopper, Gervais was just about to send the squid to meet his maker when the squid turned to look at him with a little tear trickling from his eye. Gervais put the chopper down and thought, "I can't do this to this cute little squid", and called for his head dish washer, Hans, to despatch the squid. Now Hans was hard as nails. An ex SS concentration camp guard with a penchant for casual violence. Hans picked up the chopper and was just about to kill the squid when it looked up at Hans with a little tear trickling from the corner of his eye. Hans let go of his chopper and said, "Sorry boss, I can't do this." Which just goes to show, Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Gervais, with lime green hairy lipped squid. Long, tortuous and fucking shit. There is a trend for long rambling shit jokes at the moment, and this is among the worst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 17, 2016 Report Share Posted August 17, 2016 On August 15, 2016 at 5:13 PM, Quincy Cockfingers said: Snappy delivery Wiz, you drivelling chimp. Fuck me. Coming from you, high praise indeed, Quince. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2016 I looked up from my magazine and asked my mother whether I'd been breast fed as a child. "You certainly were," she replied. "Did it hurt?" I asked. "No idea," she said. "Ask your gran." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 21, 2016 Report Share Posted August 21, 2016 A gay man goes to his doctor, complains of pains he's experiencing in his gut and arse. The doctor says "let's have a look then" and gloves his hands and grabs the tube of KY. After a moment of examination, he tells the man there's a bouquet of flowers up there. "I have no idea how this could happen or who would do such a thing to you!" The man replies "well read the card then!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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