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Eaters Of Hard Fruit In Quiet Environments


Ape™️

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I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

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47 minutes ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

I have a lovely carbon composite Barnet crossbow I can lend you, when the offending cunts' head is pinned to your office wall, apple in mouth, suckling pig style, you can simply claim that THEY suggested a game of William Tell and it's not your fault. See more ideas             @Erics solutions.com

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1 hour ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

I know exactly what you mean, I sit opposite Eddie, and that greasy cunt is eating shit all fucking day, it boils my blood!!!!

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Guest nobgobbler
21 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Claw hammering is still more fun. As one enthusiast to another, do you favour the rubber grip hollow steel handle or a traditional contoured hickory?

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

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Guest Quincy Cockfingers
4 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Just because you can only eat mush through a straw, and shite in a bag while mouth joysticking your fliddy way through the office on your chariot, is no reason to begrudge the cunts a normal diet.

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Guest Quincy Cockfingers
2 hours ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

You should cut them open and spread the contents on your toast. 

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Guest Quincy Cockfingers
3 hours ago, Fatty said:

I know exactly what you mean, I sit opposite Eddie, and that greasy cunt is eating shit all fucking day, it boils my blood!!!!

Opposite him? Sounds like a miserably small office, carpet tiles and shitty fluorescent light flickering, some shiny faced greaseball opposite spooning baked beans into his face with his fingers, wiping wotsits down his dungarees. Is he close enough to kick? In the interest of comedy, first thing tomorrow morning, could you boot him in the shin, and then say "that's from Quincy". I'd be pretty grateful. 

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7 hours ago, Fender777 said:

Yeah, these inept cuntshiners should be basted in sewage and then roasted in a brazen bull.

I presume that's just a warm up before you really go to town on the cunts arses.

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4 hours ago, Quincy Cockfingers said:

Just because you can only eat mush through a straw, and shite in a bag while mouth joysticking your fliddy way through the office on your chariot, is no reason to begrudge the cunts a normal diet.

And we all know what you class as a normal diet, don't we?

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11 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Well if you will whore yourself out in some dystopian, 'pimp my cubicle' hell-hole, you can hardly expect your fellow drudge-monkeys to be that high up the food chain.

Just be thankful the simian hordes don't fling their own shit about the gaff, whilst intoning the phrase 'Sorry - the systems gone down' to your irate customer base

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12 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Sounds like someone suffers from the abnormal brain condition misophonia ... what a complete fucking surprise.

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7 hours ago, Quincy Cockfingers said:

Opposite him? Sounds like a miserably small office, carpet tiles and shitty fluorescent light flickering, some shiny faced greaseball opposite spooning baked beans into his face with his fingers, wiping wotsits down his dungarees. Is he close enough to kick? In the interest of comedy, first thing tomorrow morning, could you boot him in the shin, and then say "that's from Quincy". I'd be pretty grateful. 

Office be fucked, it's a bijou* unit on an industrial estate, we've all seen the pictures. 

I bet they have those shitty little electric heaters in the winter and share an Aldi purchased desk fan in the summer months. 

 

 

*fucking tiny and fucking shit

 

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Guest Lady Penelope
10 hours ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

Its just as the woman at Anne Summers told you. Unscrew the endcap of the hollow shaft and slide in 5 double A batteries, then refit endcap.

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13 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

To be fair, any cunt who can't shut their mouth when eating anything, needs it filled with a right-hook. 

You could always try countering their behaviour with some offensive noise of your own. Maybe playing some porn full-blast on your mobile, or reading out any one of Dan's noms. 

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