Eaters Of Hard Fruit In Quiet Environments

[Ape™️]

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

[Eric Cuntman]

47 minutes ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

I have a lovely carbon composite Barnet crossbow I can lend you, when the offending cunts' head is pinned to your office wall, apple in mouth, suckling pig style, you can simply claim that THEY suggested a game of William Tell and it's not your fault. See more ideas             @Erics solutions.com

[Guest Fatty]

1 hour ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

I know exactly what you mean, I sit opposite Eddie, and that greasy cunt is eating shit all fucking day, it boils my blood!!!!

[Jake The Muss]

Yeah, these inept cuntshiners should be basted in sewage and then roasted in a brazen bull.

[Eric Cuntman]

33 minutes ago, Fender777 said:

Yeah, these inept cuntshiners should be basted in sewage and then roasted in a brazen bull.

Claw hammering is still more fun. As one enthusiast to another, do you favour the rubber grip hollow steel handle or a traditional contoured hickory?

[Guest nobgobbler]

21 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Claw hammering is still more fun. As one enthusiast to another, do you favour the rubber grip hollow steel handle or a traditional contoured hickory?

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

[Eric Cuntman]

2 minutes ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

Get thee to a nunnery, harlot!

[PANZER MURPHY]

This nom is what falls out of the apple crunching cunts hole

Panzerknacker 

[Jake The Muss]

2 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Claw hammering is still more fun. As one enthusiast to another, do you favour the rubber grip hollow steel handle or a traditional contoured hickory?

Not bothered Eric, just as long as the mess is all the same.

[Guest Quincy Cockfingers]

4 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Just because you can only eat mush through a straw, and shite in a bag while mouth joysticking your fliddy way through the office on your chariot, is no reason to begrudge the cunts a normal diet.

[Guest Quincy Cockfingers]

2 hours ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

You should cut them open and spread the contents on your toast. 

[Jake The Muss]

2 hours ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

Blimey Gobbles, what end goes where ?

[Guest Quincy Cockfingers]

3 hours ago, Fatty said:

I know exactly what you mean, I sit opposite Eddie, and that greasy cunt is eating shit all fucking day, it boils my blood!!!!

Opposite him? Sounds like a miserably small office, carpet tiles and shitty fluorescent light flickering, some shiny faced greaseball opposite spooning baked beans into his face with his fingers, wiping wotsits down his dungarees. Is he close enough to kick? In the interest of comedy, first thing tomorrow morning, could you boot him in the shin, and then say "that's from Quincy". I'd be pretty grateful. 

[Guest Snatch]

7 hours ago, Fender777 said:

Yeah, these inept cuntshiners should be basted in sewage and then roasted in a brazen bull.

I presume that's just a warm up before you really go to town on the cunts arses.

[Ape™️]

4 hours ago, Quincy Cockfingers said:

Just because you can only eat mush through a straw, and shite in a bag while mouth joysticking your fliddy way through the office on your chariot, is no reason to begrudge the cunts a normal diet.

And we all know what you class as a normal diet, don't we?

[Ape™️]

5 hours ago, Panzerknacker said:

This nom is what falls out of the apple crunching cunts hole

Panzerknacker 

Extraordinary! This reply almost resembles written English. Very well done, Panzyspacker.

[Jiggerycock]

11 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Well if you will whore yourself out in some dystopian, 'pimp my cubicle' hell-hole, you can hardly expect your fellow drudge-monkeys to be that high up the food chain.

Just be thankful the simian hordes don't fling their own shit about the gaff, whilst intoning the phrase 'Sorry - the systems gone down' to your irate customer base

[colonelkurtz]

12 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

Sounds like someone suffers from the abnormal brain condition misophonia ... what a complete fucking surprise.

[Bubba C]

7 hours ago, Quincy Cockfingers said:

Opposite him? Sounds like a miserably small office, carpet tiles and shitty fluorescent light flickering, some shiny faced greaseball opposite spooning baked beans into his face with his fingers, wiping wotsits down his dungarees. Is he close enough to kick? In the interest of comedy, first thing tomorrow morning, could you boot him in the shin, and then say "that's from Quincy". I'd be pretty grateful. 

Office be fucked, it's a bijou* unit on an industrial estate, we've all seen the pictures. 

I bet they have those shitty little electric heaters in the winter and share an Aldi purchased desk fan in the summer months. 

 

 

*fucking tiny and fucking shit

 

[Guest DingTheRioja]

7 hours ago, Fender777 said:

Blimey Gobbles, what end goes where ?

That depends on who you're with...

[Guest Lady Penelope]

10 hours ago, nobgobbler said:

I'd tell you if I could find out where the batteries go.

Its just as the woman at Anne Summers told you. Unscrew the endcap of the hollow shaft and slide in 5 double A batteries, then refit endcap.

[Bubba C]

13 hours ago, Ape said:

I don't spend much time in the office area where I work, but whenever I do, there's always a couple of noisy cunts munching away like fucking pigs. How those sat opposite these cunts manage to resist smashing them in the face is beyond me. I become irrationally angry at the sound of someone taking horse-sized bites out of a Granny Smith, and then chomping away without even attempting to keep their fucking mouth shut. Disgusting, rude, ignorant turds. 

To be fair, any cunt who can't shut their mouth when eating anything, needs it filled with a right-hook. 

You could always try countering their behaviour with some offensive noise of your own. Maybe playing some porn full-blast on your mobile, or reading out any one of Dan's noms. 

[Wolfie]

1 hour ago, Lady Penelope said:

Its just as the woman at Anne Summers told you. Unscrew the endcap of the hollow shaft and slide in 5 double A batteries, then refit endcap.

Is this correct, Quincy?

[Eric Cuntman]

5 hours ago, Ape said:

Extraordinary! This reply almost resembles written English. Very well done, Panzyspacker.

He's having a quick moment of clarity before he toddles off to "smash some ole munters back doors in good an propah".

[Ape™️]

13 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

He's having a quick moment of clarity before he toddles off to "smash some ole munters back doors in good an propah".

Lafin!