Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 Wife: "Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" Me: "Can you not wait until you've opened your birthday presents?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike."What the feck happened"? asks Murphy."Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 So I walked into the house to find a note... "WE HAVE YER MRS,IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN WE WANT £500,000 IN CASH. DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE,WE ARE VERY DETERMINED, AWAIT A PHONE CALL"... They weren't joking about being determined I've missed 36 phone calls from them now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 I heard the bloke next door arguing with his girlfriend, she accused him of being a pervert. But what the fuck does she know, she's only 6. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 52 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: So I walked into the house to find a note... "WE HAVE YER MRS,IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN WE WANT £500,000 IN CASH. DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE,WE ARE VERY DETERMINED, AWAIT A PHONE CALL"... They weren't joking about being determined I've missed 36 phone calls from them now. what the fuck is wrong with you Wizzo? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ollyboro Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 14 minutes ago, ratcum said: what the fuck is wrong with you Wizzo? He's trying to make the best of a bad situation, JT. So in that spirit I've decided to invent a brand new joke. It's based on a particularly racist Bernard Manning joke. Rest assured I've cleaned it up to placate the pc mob. Did you hear about the genetics doctor who crossed an octopus with a thalidomide? He ended up with a reet ugly cunt who couldn't pick cotton. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 3 hours ago, ratcum said: what the fuck is wrong with you Wizzo? Is this some trick question, Ratters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 11 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said: Wife: "Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" Me: "Can you not wait until you've opened your birthday presents?" This is a very cheap attempt at starting another 'Sicki' thread. Like all copies, it is sub standard to say the least. There is only one Sickipedia, and that was started by Scotty. Fuck off you plagiarizing cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 Paddy on his farm, all his sheep are sick, so he calls the vet. After a thorough examination the vet says " Well Paddy, I hate to tell you, but your sheep have Blue tongue". Paddy says " Be Jesus, little blighters, I didn't even know they had mobile phones". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 Paddy and Mick walking along a beach and see an Asian guy face down in the sea, so they run in, drag him out but he isn't breathing so Mick says " Paddy, you give him the kiss of life and I'll go call for help". When Mick comes back he sees Paddy blowing up the asian guy's arse. " Paddy you're doing it wrong". Paddy says " Well I'm not blowing down his mouth, have you smelt his breath". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lady Penelope Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 Witheredscrote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 33 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: This is a very cheap attempt at starting another 'Sicki' thread. Like all copies, it is sub standard to say the least. There is only one Sickipedia, and that was started by Scotty. Fuck off you plagiarizing cunt. Why are there so many rivers in France? Because water takes the path of least resistance. Fuck off. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 39 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: This is a very cheap attempt at starting another 'Sicki' thread. Like all copies, it is sub standard to say the least. There is only one Sickipedia, and that was started by Scotty. Fuck off you plagiarizing cunt. "You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 14 minutes ago, The Lady Penelope said: Witheredscrote Wrong thread, pen. I've started a 'total fucking idiot' nom in the open corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 A yorkshire farmer spots a stranger drinking water from a contaminated stream and shouts "Ey up lad, tha dunt wanna drink watter from theeyur, it'll make thee reyt badly". The stranger replies "Ahhhh but but but but, I am having difficulty understand you, please say that again slowly." The farmer replies "Use .... both .... hands .... you .... might .... spill .... some." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 9 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said: Is this some trick question, Ratters? I can't remember. I think I'm turning Japanese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 2 hours ago, nobgobbler said: A yorkshire farmer spots a stranger drinking water from a contaminated stream and shouts "Ey up lad, tha dunt wanna drink watter from theeyur, it'll make thee reyt badly". The stranger replies "Ahhhh but but but but, I am having difficulty understand you, please say that again slowly." The farmer replies "Use .... both .... hands .... you .... might .... spill .... some." Fuck me, gobby, I know it's a scientific fact that women are devoid of humour and female comedians are the biggest oxymoron known, but seriously, what the fuck is this utter shit? Have you been at the Pimms early doors again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 1 hour ago, ratcum said: I can't remember. I think I'm turning Japanese You really think so? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hokey Gingers Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 Billy was the most unlucky cunt ever and had never won a thing in his life. So he was delighted when the news came he`d won a ticket to go and see his all time favourite singer Tina Turner appearing in concert. He told all his mates about his luck finally turning and wore his best for the night of the concert. On arriving at the venue, to Billy`s amazement, he was ushered up front row central, the best seat in the house. He told everyone around him about his apparent change in fortune and his how happy he was. Tina eventually came on stage and after a few numbers told the crowd there was someone very special in the audience and a spotlight landed on Billy! Tina invited him to come up on stage. On stage they sang an impromptu duet which brought the house down and as he left the stage Tina mentioned hooking up later for a drink. In the bar after the show they shared some small talk with the singer finally admitting she found him incredibly attractive. She left a key to her room on the table and told Billy to give her 10 mins to freshen up. Billy simply couldn`t believe his luck. The minutes passed and soon he was stood in her room but no sign of her. Billy looked in the bedroom where Tina was writhing on the bed stark naked. " What way do you want me ?" asked Tina inquisitively. Billy asked if she had any handcuffs. Tina purred "Ohhh...Billy, you are a kinky boy." He replied " No...no...it`s nothing like that, it`s just the last time i rid a black person she stole my wallet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 28 minutes ago, Bubba C said: Fuck me, gobby, I know it's a scientific fact that women are devoid of humour and female comedians are the biggest oxymoron known, but seriously, what the fuck is this utter shit? Have you been at the Pimms early doors again? I don't drink that pimms shit. Good afternoon bubbs, you unquestionable cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 20 minutes ago, Alfie Noakes said: You really think so? Gallee Rineker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 A guy driving through a country lane sees an asian eating grass in a field. Guy stops, winds down his window and says " why are you doing that it's a field full of cow shit, it's dirty". Asian replies "I'm an asylum seeker, I'm hungry and have no money". Guy in the car says " well you can't eat that dirty grass, come with me I'll feed you". Asian says " Thank you so much sir, I really appreciate it, one question, can I bring my family? ". Guy in the car says "No you can fuck off, I've only got a small lawn". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 42 minutes ago, Mingeeta said: A guy driving through a country lane sees an asian eating grass in a field. Guy stops, winds down his window and says " why are you doing that it's a field full of cow shit, it's dirty". Asian replies "I'm an asylum seeker, I'm hungry and have no money". Guy in the car says " well you can't eat that dirty grass, come with me I'll feed you". Asian says " Thank you so much sir, I really appreciate it, one question, can I bring my family? ". Guy in the car says "No you can fuck off, I've only got a small lawn". shit on toast and wank wank beans Ooh me golly bird Winky wanky bird Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 10 minutes ago, ratcum said: shit on toast and wank wank beans Ooh me golly bird Winky wanky bird Shut it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PANZER MURPHY Posted June 11, 2017 Report Share Posted June 11, 2017 These two cannibals eating a clown. .one says to the other. .he taste funny to you? Panzerknacker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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