The Fetishisation of Coffee

[Jiggerycock]

This has probably been done in some form, but I'm going for an over-arching nom, bringing together the several strands of cuntyness associated with this modern-day fiasco.

Maybe it's the idiot jargon twats seem to think they've got to adopt when ordering - and if you've not stood behind a hipster who wants to 'get' a 'skinny latte with wings' then you've not been paying attention or you've managed to avoid the hell that is Costa / Café Nero / Starbucks.

Maybe it's the nomenclature, with seemingly endless riffs on a basic option, that makes you feel so inadequate when you try and order a coffee-flavoured coffee. Cappucino? Mocha? Over Ice?With Soya Milk? With Unicorn Tears? With an extra shot of testosterone? You negotiate this interrogation with all the adroitness of a eunuch at a gangbang, ending up with something that tastes like stewed mud in a shot glass that costs you a kings ransom.

Maybe it's the interrupting cunts who are there notionally to serve you, but in fact, to parade their arrogance at your 'two O'Levels, both E grades in a PhD world' attempts to fit in.

Maybe it's the fact that some of this stuff is, literally shit, excreted out the alimentary canal of a civet, found only between 1,500 and 1,600 metres on the Patagonian pampas, trapped by Gaucho's using only the finest hemp lassoes ...or something, your patience having worn Rizla thin the moment the beardie little fuck behind the counter embarked on this boring tale.

Maybe it's the heart shaped thingy the Barrista (these soppy cunts having been given a pissy little title to disguise their minimum wage lack of ability) is intent on creating with the foam at the top of your drink.

Maybe it's the (paradoxically) joyless 'Enjoy!' entreaty you are given when you finally take delivery of your comestible.

I think our colleague Applescruff would describe this whole artifice as a 'cuntfest' and he'd be dead right.

 

[Guest Wizardsleeve]

3 hours ago, Jiggerycock said:

This has probably been done in some form, but I'm going for an over-arching nom, bringing together the several strands of cuntyness associated with this modern-day fiasco.

Maybe it's the idiot jargon twats seem to think they've got to adopt when ordering - and if you've not stood behind a hipster who wants to 'get' a 'skinny latte with wings' then you've not been paying attention or you've managed to avoid the hell that is Costa / Café Nero / Starbucks.

Maybe it's the nomenclature, with seemingly endless riffs on a basic option, that makes you feel so inadequate when you try and order a coffee-flavoured coffee. Cappucino? Mocha? Over Ice?With Soya Milk? With Unicorn Tears? With an extra shot of testosterone? You negotiate this interrogation with all the adroitness of a eunuch at a gangbang, ending up with something that tastes like stewed mud in a shot glass that costs you a kings ransom.

Maybe it's the interrupting cunts who are there notionally to serve you, but in fact, to parade their arrogance at your 'two O'Levels, both E grades in a PhD world' attempts to fit in.

Maybe it's the fact that some of this stuff is, literally shit, excreted out the alimentary canal of a civet, found only between 1,500 and 1,600 metres on the Patagonian pampas, trapped by Gaucho's using only the finest hemp lassoes ...or something, your patience having worn Rizla thin the moment the beardie little fuck behind the counter embarked on this boring tale.

Maybe it's the heart shaped thingy the Barrista (these soppy cunts having been given a pissy little title to disguise their minimum wage lack of ability) is intent on creating with the foam at the top of your drink.

Maybe it's the (paradoxically) joyless 'Enjoy!' entreaty you are given when you finally take delivery of your comestible.

I think our colleague Applescruff would describe this whole artifice as a 'cuntfest' and he'd be dead right.

 

I think old Scruffo should give one these ghastly places some business.  emo cunts often go for coffee, he might get lucky and find one ready to slit her wrists and go out with a good cry of disappointment

Coffee is still rather easy to make, in fact there are remarkable machines that do it for you, just add the coffee and water!  Ffs, it isn't aerospace rocketry or colon probe science.  Baristas haven't earned the title cunt, they are still too low in the social order, the wankers that go there, they are cunts.  Arrogant, obnoxious, and the lot you describe, just plain pig shit thick

I want a large fucking coffee, no fucking creme, no sugar, and poncy heart shapes you minimum wage earning knob end.  

[southerncunt]

I agree this may have been covered before, but essentially I agree. I live in Melbourne, a city that even Italians recognise as having very good coffee, in no small part due to the sizeable Italian population who settled here after WW2.  I have a pretty decent machine at home (Rancilio Silvia, with doserless Rocky grinder, a reasonable entry level manual setup) and with the help of good beans, can make a decent coffee, especially for Mrs Southern who is quite the fucking coffee snob. There is far too much wank in the barista world.

Wanker baristas last 10 minutes over here. It’s no so fucking hard to make good coffee that you need to get all big shot over it. And a cafe that makes even OK coffee goes broke. 

[Cuntybaws]

If Ding was still here he'd have been banging on by now about how good old Yorkshire tea is what real men drink before shagging their way across the county on their way to an ethics committee meeting. Thank fuck he's not here.

[Penny Farthing]

There is an ad. that reads "more punch than a flat white". A flat white is a fucking milky coffee ffs. You go into one of these cunting places and order a black coffee and the cunt behind the counter say's "americano" and then after making it asks you if you want milk in it!

[Penny Farthing]

1 hour ago, southerncunt said:

I agree this may have been covered before, but essentially I agree. I live in Melbourne, a city that even Italians recognise as having very good coffee, in no small part due to the sizeable Italian population who settled here after WW2.  I have a pretty decent machine at home (Rancilio Silvia, with doserless Rocky grinder, a reasonable entry level manual setup) and with the help of good beans, can make a decent coffee, especially for Mrs Southern who is quite the fucking coffee snob. There is far too much wank in the barista world.

Wanker baristas last 10 minutes over here. It’s no so fucking hard to make good coffee that you need to get all big shot over it. And a cafe that makes even OK coffee goes broke. 

That is what really annoy me. You go into a station waiting room and there is a queue of dopey old cunts ordering latte's and mochas, and even when you order a fucking black coffee instead of putting a couple of teaspoons of Nescafe in a cup they have to take 10 minutes and do all that fucking banging on the coffee machine and it tastes like coal ash when you get it.

[Guest luke swarm]

4 hours ago, Jiggerycock said:

This has probably been done in some form, but I'm going for an over-arching nom, bringing together the several strands of cuntyness associated with this modern-day fiasco.

Maybe it's the idiot jargon twats seem to think they've got to adopt when ordering - and if you've not stood behind a hipster who wants to 'get' a 'skinny latte with wings' then you've not been paying attention or you've managed to avoid the hell that is Costa / Café Nero / Starbucks.

Maybe it's the nomenclature, with seemingly endless riffs on a basic option, that makes you feel so inadequate when you try and order a coffee-flavoured coffee. Cappucino? Mocha? Over Ice?With Soya Milk? With Unicorn Tears? With an extra shot of testosterone? You negotiate this interrogation with all the adroitness of a eunuch at a gangbang, ending up with something that tastes like stewed mud in a shot glass that costs you a kings ransom.

Maybe it's the interrupting cunts who are there notionally to serve you, but in fact, to parade their arrogance at your 'two O'Levels, both E grades in a PhD world' attempts to fit in.

Maybe it's the fact that some of this stuff is, literally shit, excreted out the alimentary canal of a civet, found only between 1,500 and 1,600 metres on the Patagonian pampas, trapped by Gaucho's using only the finest hemp lassoes ...or something, your patience having worn Rizla thin the moment the beardie little fuck behind the counter embarked on this boring tale.

Maybe it's the heart shaped thingy the Barrista (these soppy cunts having been given a pissy little title to disguise their minimum wage lack of ability) is intent on creating with the foam at the top of your drink.

Maybe it's the (paradoxically) joyless 'Enjoy!' entreaty you are given when you finally take delivery of your comestible.

I think our colleague Applescruff would describe this whole artifice as a 'cuntfest' and he'd be dead right.

 

this is all further down the road to full wank Americanism, I think it all started with that really shit American "comedy" show Friends, which seemed to be entirely filmed in a pretentious coffee shop. I dont drink the wretched stuff myself as I find that it makes me thirstier rather than quenching my thirst like a good cup of Tea. 

Also you generally find that that the people buying the largest and most exorbitantly priced beverages in the well known high street chains are likely to be the cunts  who can least afford to spend 5 pounds on a large portion of frothy acrid milk. Another wankerism it has also spawned is those Espresso things, a birdshit size helping of bitter coffee dregs designed for stupid self important cunts with red rimmed glasses who always seem to be tapping away on an apple computer in these tosspot  infested places.        

[Guest Erroreptile404]

58 minutes ago, luke swarm said:

this is all further down the road to full wank Americanism, I think it all started with that really shit American "comedy" show Friends, which seemed to be entirely filmed in a pretentious coffee shop.

I noticed a few cunts on here using americuntisms like "leash" in stead of lead.  Starfucks and nero should be fucked off out of our country and costa too if that's american. Sick of the yankeeisation of our country. 

[Guest Erroreptile404]

3 hours ago, southerncunt said:

I agree this may have been covered before, but essentially I agree. I live in Melbourne, a city that even Italians recognise as having very good coffee, in no small part due to the sizeable Italian population who settled here after WW2.  

Which is total bollocks everyone knows the only people who settled in australia in any numbers were shackle rattlers. You sound like those retarded septic shit cunts with no history, so call themselves non existent things like "X- american" to sound interesting.

[Penny Farthing]

16 minutes ago, EreptileDysfunction said:

I noticed a few cunts on here using americuntisms like "leash" in stead of lead.  Starfucks and nero should be fucked off out of our country and costa too if that's american. Sick of the yankeeisation of our country. 

Yeh man

[Neil]

Apparently its how you shake the beans

 

[Guest Ollyboro]

Fucking disgusted that a topic as fucking disgusting as this disgusting fucking topic has been allowed to remain.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Ollyboro
Misread as "fertilisation of coffee"

[Jiggerycock]

1 hour ago, Neil said:

Apparently its how you shake the beans

Yeah - and also how you bang the cup around like a Sunderland housewife after the Mackems lose at home

[Guest Drew P Pissflaps]

I have never ever purchased a coffee from Starbucks or Costa. If I am out in the fine city of Norwich and I fancy a coffee I'm in Virgin Lounge with the rest of the tight wad, but sensible cunts.

It's only fucking coffee and most of the stuff I drink tastes like mud but I guess that's just because it's ground.

[Cuntybaws]

[White Cunt]

Anyone using these places, deserves exactly what they get. An expensive pile of shit.

[Guest N/A]

10 hours ago, Jiggerycock said:

This has probably been done in some form, but I'm going for an over-arching nom, bringing together the several strands of cuntyness associated with this modern-day fiasco.

Maybe it's the idiot jargon twats seem to think they've got to adopt when ordering - and if you've not stood behind a hipster who wants to 'get' a 'skinny latte with wings' then you've not been paying attention or you've managed to avoid the hell that is Costa / Café Nero / Starbucks.

Maybe it's the nomenclature, with seemingly endless riffs on a basic option, that makes you feel so inadequate when you try and order a coffee-flavoured coffee. Cappucino? Mocha? Over Ice?With Soya Milk? With Unicorn Tears? With an extra shot of testosterone? You negotiate this interrogation with all the adroitness of a eunuch at a gangbang, ending up with something that tastes like stewed mud in a shot glass that costs you a kings ransom.

Maybe it's the interrupting cunts who are there notionally to serve you, but in fact, to parade their arrogance at your 'two O'Levels, both E grades in a PhD world' attempts to fit in.

Maybe it's the fact that some of this stuff is, literally shit, excreted out the alimentary canal of a civet, found only between 1,500 and 1,600 metres on the Patagonian pampas, trapped by Gaucho's using only the finest hemp lassoes ...or something, your patience having worn Rizla thin the moment the beardie little fuck behind the counter embarked on this boring tale.

Maybe it's the heart shaped thingy the Barrista (these soppy cunts having been given a pissy little title to disguise their minimum wage lack of ability) is intent on creating with the foam at the top of your drink.

Maybe it's the (paradoxically) joyless 'Enjoy!' entreaty you are given when you finally take delivery of your comestible.

I think our colleague Applescruff would describe this whole artifice as a 'cuntfest' and he'd be dead right.

 

Coffee language and the whole cuntish culture is a millennialist cuntfest.  You all get what you deserve in this brave new world of brown warm shit in a cardboard cup for £5.95.       It fucking takes the biscuit...and you don’t even get a biscuit for £5.95.

i refuse to go in these places.

[southerncunt]

5 hours ago, EreptileDysfunction said:

Which is total bollocks everyone knows the only people who settled in australia in any numbers were shackle rattlers. You sound like those retarded septic shit cunts with no history, so call themselves non existent things like "X- american" to sound interesting.

You really are a stupendously thick cunt. Not only that, you are the one most likely on here to actually look similar to your avatar.

Fuckwit.

[Guest N/A]

3 hours ago, White Cunt said:

Anyone using these places, deserves exactly what they get. An expensive pile of shit.

Served to them by an immigrant

[Frank]

5 hours ago, Ollyboro said:

Fucking disgusted that a topic as fucking disgusting as this disgusting fucking topic has been allowed to remain.

Idiot. 

[Guest Erroreptile404]

13 minutes ago, Monumental cunt said:

Served to them by an immigrant

What's your opinion of australians? lol

[Stubby Pecker]

10 minutes ago, Frank said:

Idiot. 

Frank, that disgusting little oik cock-fingerer is back amongst us.

What the fuck are you going to do about it?

[Guest judgetwi]

2 hours ago, Stubby Pecker said:

Frank, that disgusting little oik cock-fingerer is back amongst us.

What the fuck are you going to do about it?

He’s going to do fuck all. The wanker is too busy studying Google Earth and looking up the Lonely Planet reports on various trendy places that hipster tosspots frequent. Then he has to look up posh gentlemen’s outfitters in Saville Row and Jermyn Street followed by restaurant reviews and classic car sites.

It’s not easy living a fantasy life on t’internet. Have some respect for the sad old loser for fucks sake!

[Stubby Pecker]

5 hours ago, judgetwi said:

He’s going to do fuck all. The wanker is too busy studying Google Earth and looking up the Lonely Planet reports on various trendy places that hipster tosspots frequent. Then he has to look up posh gentlemen’s outfitters in Saville Row and Jermyn Street followed by restaurant reviews and classic car sites.

It’s not easy living a fantasy life on t’internet. Have some respect for the sad old loser for fucks sake!

I want him dead 

[Mrs Roops]

6 hours ago, judgetwi said:

He’s going to do fuck all. The wanker is too busy studying Google Earth and looking up the Lonely Planet reports on various trendy places that hipster tosspots frequent. Then he has to look up posh gentlemen’s outfitters in Saville Row and Jermyn Street followed by restaurant reviews and classic car sites.

It’s not easy living a fantasy life on t’internet. Have some respect for the sad old loser for fucks sake!

He's actually where he says he is on this occasion.