Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted December 13, 2015 Report Share Posted December 13, 2015 Lately, every time I am put in a position whereby I must shite away from the house, and I don't mean the office or anything controlled, it's a fucking cunt. Last Thursday morning before leaving Casa Cockfingers I wasn't quite there, despite expending some grunting and heaving trying to shite out the sirloin from day before. Fucking caught out, en route to meet some cunt on the Riverside in stinking Glasgow, in the pishing rain, limited venues. Stopped in a shit cafe full of ugly wet bastards, hoop drooling shite, got to the pan just in time for the first blurt- alas- the remainder solid, not rock solid but fairly elastic - problematic. Lodged about 2/3 committed. Cunt. Late as fuck so caution to the wind, I decided to snip and retract, snip and retract. As we know this is second best to a clean slam dunk, no "calving", but often necessary. Usually one can crimp off relatively cleanly and with an indrawn breath "suck" that turtle back into its shell to await a second break for the sea. No such fucking luck! Could not snip that shite! I managed to bottleneck it a bit, give it a tiny waist, but my hoop was certainly out of trim from Mrs C's recent merciless fistings and couldn't quite cheesewire right through. Normally it's like a giant squids beak, but not this time- no fucking danger! Decision point. What to do? Come on Quincy, what would Magiver do? Either wait for a "gravity assist" (no fucking time, that's out), attempt a full retraction (risky), or plough in with a fistful of bog roll and hand crimp/Caesarian the cunt. Right, fucking option C- inelegant but at least you're in the driving seat, go for it. Bastard shiny bog roll! Who invents this shit, who buys it? Must it be a frictionless surface? I cautiously grip the shite at its narrowest gauge- right by the hoop- between thumb, forefinger and pvc bog roll, I fuck it up and squidge it, the texture and resistance is fucking rank so I bottle it. I know I'm fucked. The residual dump has that uncomfortable feeling indicating it's much larger than reality- it must go, so I fall to heaving, straining, eyeballs bulging as I become some kind of purple Ainsley fucking Harriot. Fucking nosebleed - right into my keks and inside my light grey suit trousers. Shite half born, only thing left to soldier on with the shite bog roll, literally spreading it up my back like Nutella. That fucking stuff- so shiny on the flat, but sharp as fuck on the fold. Wiped and wiped but every time caked in shite - fuck all difference- until my rings blood appears with the shite. Cunt. Shitty sore arsed stupid fucking cunt trudging through the pissing Glasgow rain with apparent vadge bleeding going on, to meet some builder cunt who would assuredly rip the fucking piss? Fuck no- 200 taxi home to scrub the shite and blood off in the shower. Fucking total cunt. And interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 That, is the most horrifying thing I have ever read. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 34 minutes ago, Ape said: That, is the most horrifying thing I have ever read. You read it? All of it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuntspotter Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 ...... A story of everyday folk! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Truly, very disturbing, a light grey suit you say ?, no one has worn one since the 80's down south. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 It has to be said................pile of shit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 7 hours ago, Quincy Cockfingers said: Lately, every time I am put in a position whereby I must shite away from the house, and I don't mean the office or anything controlled, it's a fucking cunt. Last Thursday morning before leaving Casa Cockfingers I wasn't quite there, despite expending some grunting and heaving trying to shite out the sirloin from day before. Fucking caught out, en route to meet some cunt on the Riverside in stinking Glasgow, in the pishing rain, limited venues. Stopped in a shit cafe full of ugly wet bastards, hoop drooling shite, got to the pan just in time for the first blurt- alas- the remainder solid, not rock solid but fairly elastic - problematic. Lodged about 2/3 committed. Cunt. Late as fuck so caution to the wind, I decided to snip and retract, snip and retract. As we know this is second best to a clean slam dunk, no "calving", but often necessary. Usually one can crimp off relatively cleanly and with an indrawn breath "suck" that turtle back into its shell to await a second break for the sea. No such fucking luck! Could not snip that shite! I managed to bottleneck it a bit, give it a tiny waist, but my hoop was certainly out of trim from Mrs C's recent merciless fistings and couldn't quite cheesewire right through. Normally it's like a giant squids beak, but not this time- no fucking danger! Decision point. What to do? Come on Quincy, what would Magiver do? Either wait for a "gravity assist" (no fucking time, that's out), attempt a full retraction (risky), or plough in with a fistful of bog roll and hand crimp/Caesarian the cunt. Right, fucking option C- inelegant but at least you're in the driving seat, go for it. Bastard shiny bog roll! Who invents this shit, who buys it? Must it be a frictionless surface? I cautiously grip the shite at its narrowest gauge- right by the hoop- between thumb, forefinger and pvc bog roll, I fuck it up and squidge it, the texture and resistance is fucking rank so I bottle it. I know I'm fucked. The residual dump has that uncomfortable feeling indicating it's much larger than reality- it must go, so I fall to heaving, straining, eyeballs bulging as I become some kind of purple Ainsley fucking Harriot. Fucking nosebleed - right into my keks and inside my light grey suit trousers. Shite half born, only thing left to soldier on with the shite bog roll, literally spreading it up my back like Nutella. That fucking stuff- so shiny on the flat, but sharp as fuck on the fold. Wiped and wiped but every time caked in shite - fuck all difference- until my rings blood appears with the shite. Cunt. Shitty sore arsed stupid fucking cunt trudging through the pissing Glasgow rain with apparent vadge bleeding going on, to meet some builder cunt who would assuredly rip the fucking piss? Fuck no- 200 taxi home to scrub the shite and blood off in the shower. Fucking total cunt. And interesting. You must have looked a right cunt exiting the stall. By the omission in your tale, I assume Stickers was absent from his duties offering you a towel and clean up afterwards? Fucking dodgy workshy cunt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Whatever happened to nominations like this? It's got it all - fecal matter, fistings, and some boring fucking cunt called 'sleeve dragging the topic back round to his favourite member Mr Stickers for the umpteenth time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuntspotter Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 You are certainly my favourite member. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 "And the winner of the 2015 Man Booker Prize for Outstanding Short Story is.........." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 49 minutes ago, Eddie said: Truly, very disturbing, a light grey suit you say ?, no one has worn one since the 80's down south. A light grey suit, in Glasgow, in the winter, can mean only one thing. Quincy has an ice-cream van. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 23 minutes ago, Cuntopolis said: Will some cunt please give me a précis of this nom, before I ask him to kill himself and stop wasting people's time with pathetically long noms. Well I could do but it would be a bit like Mrs Michelangelo asking hubby to knock up a garden shed after he'd just completed the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Proof if it were needed that Quincy is indeed full of shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 3 hours ago, Ape said: That, is the most horrifying thing I have ever read. You should have been there. I needed a fucking midwife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 1 hour ago, Bill Stickers said: Whatever happened to nominations like this? It's got it all - fecal matter, fistings, and some boring fucking cunt called 'sleeve dragging the topic back round to his favourite member Mr Stickers for the umpteenth time. So your carer has fucked off until the afternoon shift arrives? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 55 minutes ago, Cuntopolis said: Will some cunt please give me a précis of this nom, before I ask him to kill himself and stop wasting people's time with pathetically long noms. Precis for the nom: "I shit myself. Now Bill will love me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Just now, nobgobbler said: I shit myself. Now Bill will love me. You poor dear. He only likes men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 49 minutes ago, Cuntopolis said: Will some cunt please give me a précis of this nom, before I ask him to kill himself and stop wasting people's time with pathetically long noms. Instead of any of that just fuck off and jump in a swollen river 2 hours ago, Eddie said: Truly, very disturbing, a light grey suit you say ?, no one has worn one since the 80's down south. Excuse me- I said light grey suit trousers. Tartan sports jacket, string vest, greasy headband, can of spesh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 2 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: You poor dear. He only likes men. Oh shit, did I really say that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 3 minutes ago, nobgobbler said: Oh shit, did I really say that? It's not too late to edit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 2 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: It's not too late to edit! I'll do that, us she-cunts have our reputation to think about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 2 hours ago, Wizardsleeve said: You must have looked a right cunt exiting the stall. By the omission in your tale, I assume Stickers was absent from his duties offering you a towel and clean up afterwards? Fucking dodgy workshy cunt! Remember, this was Glasgow. They thought I was fucking Hollywood. Not Paul Hollywood mind, fuck off. Id have said "royalty", but they'd have cut my throat from ear to ear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 3 hours ago, cuntspotter said: ...... A story of everyday folk! Aaaaah! The humanity !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 your arse must have been relieved there was something coming out of it rather than being viciously inserted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ahriman Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 "Mr Cockfingers latest novel 'Not shitting where you eat' is a heart warming tale of shitting, fisting, shiny bog rolls, and arse bleeding, that invokes the same kind of emotions one must experience when being on the receiving end of a donkey punch. Fuck off Shakespeare, there's a new literacy master in town, one whose body of work shall be taught to snotty nosed little shits for generations to come. Fucking good job Quincy!" -Some Cunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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