Roadkill Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 I was out in the front garden cutting the grass and pulling some weeds when some utter flid who lives across the road from me took it as an invitation to come and chat with me. I've just had to spend three fucking hours listening to this twat tell me about how he's a master programmer, retired DJ, gardener, carer for his elderly mother, full time father, toy collector, hacker and guitarist. Around the two hour mark his two sons (who will now be referred to as Fatty and Skinny) came over. Fatty appeared to have some kind of Down's disease because he was slurring his words and kept wandering in small circles for no reason and Skinny proceeded to mount and apparently dry hump my fence for the duration of the onslaught, both occasionally adding their own contributions to the conversation such as what games consoles they owned and played whilst their father paused to show me various pictures on his phone of random computer graphics cards and gaming PC towers. After another hour of this the local ice cream man saved me from further assault by showing up with his siren blaring and Fatty and Skinny both demanded Cornettos. The wanker shook my hand as if the hours of verbal torture had somehow made us socially closer and I packed up my strimmer and got back inside as fast as possible when their backs were turned. They're still in the street right now, racing fucking RC cars. I fear to go back outside... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 A couple of things Killer. Seeing as he has done so much in his life and has time to talk bollocks you obviously live across the road from eavensabove. You say you spent 3 hours listening to this cunt. You later say you packed up your strimmer. Do you see how you could of saved 3 hours of your life? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 You live next to a family of flids. Your house's value has likely dropped 10% below its normal market rate. I'd advise exterminating them if possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 2 hours ago, Roadkill said: I was out in the front garden cutting the grass and pulling some weeds when some utter flid who lives across the road from me took it as an invitation to come and chat with me. I've just had to spend three fucking hours listening to this twat tell me about how he's a master programmer, retired DJ, gardener, carer for his elderly mother, full time father, toy collector, hacker and guitarist. Around the two hour mark his two sons (who will now be referred to as Fatty and Skinny) came over. Fatty appeared to have some kind of Down's disease because he was slurring his words and kept wandering in small circles for no reason and Skinny proceeded to mount and apparently dry hump my fence for the duration of the onslaught, both occasionally adding their own contributions to the conversation such as what games consoles they owned and played whilst their father paused to show me various pictures on his phone of random computer graphics cards and gaming PC towers. After another hour of this the local ice cream man saved me from further assault by showing up with his siren blaring and Fatty and Skinny both demanded Cornettos. The wanker shook my hand as if the hours of verbal torture had somehow made us socially closer and I packed up my strimmer and got back inside as fast as possible when their backs were turned. They're still in the street right now, racing fucking RC cars. I fear to go back outside... It's likely to get worse, as you are a nice bloke and tolerated the prick, he will now consider you as his new best friend. He will now be observing you via a camera and when you venture outside he will fly out of his front door and suggest you 'pop over' one evening. You then have the impossible challenge of working out how to tell him to fuck off without causing offense. He may even try and invite himself into your house, even worse. It's the most awkward of social minefields, and I fear Bill is spot on with his suggestion that you kill this social inadequate at the earliest opportunity, kinder to do his backward offspring at the same time too. Hope you feel better about it all now. More etiquette advice available at @Erics.solutions.com 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 At least you know where to go for the base of your new patio 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerncunt Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 You fell victim to what Douglas Adams and John Lloyd call a "clabby" conversation. Their rather excellent book, The deeper meaning of Liff, provides a few suggestions on how to deal with it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 2 hours ago, Snatch said: A couple of things Killer. Seeing as he has done so much in his life and has time to talk bollocks you obviously live across the road from eavensabove. You say you spent 3 hours listening to this cunt. You later say you packed up your strimmer. Do you see how you could of saved 3 hours of your life? Strimmer to his face? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 56 minutes ago, southerncunt said: You fell victim to what Douglas Adams and John Lloyd call a "clabby" conversation. Their rather excellent book, The deeper meaning of Liff, provides a few suggestions on how to deal with it. There speaks a man of culture, all too rare amongst our antipodean friends. Good work, Southern. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tata Steely Dan Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 4 hours ago, Roadkill said: I've just had to spend three fucking hours listening to this twat tell me about how he's a master programmer, retired DJ, gardener, carer for his elderly mother, full time father, toy collector, hacker and guitarist. Do you live opposite Julian Cope? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 1 hour ago, Roadkill said: Strimmer to his face? Got to start somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 I suggest putting a pair of steel toe capped boots on and kicking his and his Quasimodo kids' fucking shins in at the earliest opportunity. Neighbourhood watch and all that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 7 hours ago, Roadkill said: I was out in the front garden cutting the grass and pulling some weeds when some utter flid who lives across the road from me took it as an invitation to come and chat with me. I've just had to spend three fucking hours listening to this twat tell me about how he's a master programmer, retired DJ, gardener, carer for his elderly mother, full time father, toy collector, hacker and guitarist. Around the two hour mark his two sons (who will now be referred to as Fatty and Skinny) came over. Fatty appeared to have some kind of Down's disease because he was slurring his words and kept wandering in small circles for no reason and Skinny proceeded to mount and apparently dry hump my fence for the duration of the onslaught, both occasionally adding their own contributions to the conversation such as what games consoles they owned and played whilst their father paused to show me various pictures on his phone of random computer graphics cards and gaming PC towers. After another hour of this the local ice cream man saved me from further assault by showing up with his siren blaring and Fatty and Skinny both demanded Cornettos. The wanker shook my hand as if the hours of verbal torture had somehow made us socially closer and I packed up my strimmer and got back inside as fast as possible when their backs were turned. They're still in the street right now, racing fucking RC cars. I fear to go back outside... Roadsie, I'm afraid you've painted yourself into a corner on this. You have two choices, one is to simply fuck them off by being as offencive as possible, or bludgeoning them all to death with a heavy branch not sent through a tree chipper. It doesn't pay to enable the flids, when they walk up to you, tell them to fuck off and kill themselves. Perhaps the ice cream man can be persuaded to produce some bleach popsicles(sp?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 Worse is cunts who interrupt your gardening by boring you to death with how they would do it, if i thought i had moved in next to Alan Titchmarsh l would of moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 12 minutes ago, Snowflake said: Worse is cunts who interrupt your gardening by boring you to death with how they would do it, if i thought i had moved in next to Alan Titchmarsh l would of moved. This is probably not going to end well, snowflake. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lady Penelope Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 4 hours ago, Roadkill said: Strimmer to his face? So you live in the same street as Punker's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 6 minutes ago, The Lady Penelope said: So you live in the same street as Punker's. I fucking hope not... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 17 minutes ago, Frank said: This is probably not going to end well, snowflake. It very may well not ,cunts heads maybe be rolling in there very trimmed hedge because they got to close to my side Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 1 minute ago, Roadkill said: I fucking hope not... You'd know if you did - the stench of congealed spunk would be rife. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted July 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 51 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: Roadsie, I'm afraid you've painted yourself into a corner on this. You have two choices, one is to simply fuck them off by being as offencive as possible, or bludgeoning them all to death with a heavy branch not sent through a tree chipper. It doesn't pay to enable the flids, when they walk up to you, tell them to fuck off and kill themselves. Perhaps the ice cream man can be persuaded to produce some bleach popsicles(sp?) Your wise advice is always welcome, Wiz. I shall endeavor to shite on his doorstep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lady Penelope Posted July 28, 2017 Report Share Posted July 28, 2017 7 minutes ago, Roadkill said: Your wise advice is always welcome, Wiz. I shall endeavor to shite on his doorstep. Quince (sadly quite dead) would have crapped in his mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted July 29, 2017 Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 Can't you just put in for a mutual exchange with your social housing landlord and get the fuck out of there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southerncunt Posted July 29, 2017 Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 10 hours ago, Snowflake said: It very may well not ,cunts heads maybe be rolling in there very trimmed hedge because they got to close to my side I'm not sure you understand, Snowflake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roadkill Posted July 29, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 25 minutes ago, southerncunt said: I'm not sure you understand, Snowflake. Let the boy frolic in his ignorance, SC. I think he's one of those "brighter flames" types. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lady Penelope Posted July 29, 2017 Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 Uphill gardening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted July 29, 2017 Report Share Posted July 29, 2017 2 hours ago, southerncunt said: I'm not sure you understand, Snowflake. I understood what frank was alluding to and decided to ignore it and go on a rant about the decapitation of my neighbours. In no way was it a moment of confusion due to being intoxicated, honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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