Guest Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 Its Monday night I'm sitting in my local, it's quiet so only one member of staff and it starts......four girls sitting at a table making four glasses of tap water last two fucking hours decide it's coffee time - can i get one cappuccino with an extra blah blah fucking blah, young bloke behind the ramp starts banging, crashing and pulling levers on this fucking machine like the wizard of fucking oz, when this bollocks finally ends i think at last, but fucking no......can we pay separately swiftly followed by do you take cards? It would appear that once you've fired this fucking machine up similar to that particle accelerator thing in Switzerland it can't be left unattended, to cap it all not one of those cunts finished their tasty hot beverage and are now drinkig water out an evian bottle - you want coffee....go to a fucking cafe, I'm gasping you fucknuggets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 I do enjoy my coffee, probably moreso than my drinks, but even I cannot be so cuntish as to order one of those posh numbers at my local. That is just apex level cuntishness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 In my old local you could buy potatoes, lay a bet, drop off your dry cleaning, and have minor wounds stitched - but you waited your turn while the drinkers got served or woe be-fucking-tide you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest judgetwi Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 Couldn't agree more with this nom. There is a 100% guarantee that the ponce ordering coffee will also be paying with a credit card thus doubling the time you have to wait to get the type of drink that pubs were invented for. Do i go into Starbucks and expect to order a pint.....do i go into a bookies and expect to be able to buy a packet of fags........do i go into B&Q and fucking moan because there are no pork chops on display? The world has gone mad! Whoever thought up the idea of putting these coffee machines into pubs is one of the biggest cunts ever born. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 In my old local you could buy potatoes, lay a bet, drop off your dry cleaning, and have minor wounds stitched - but you waited your turn while the drinkers got served or woe be-fucking-tide you.Spot on there, baws. These landlords should keep their eye on the fucking ball, the drinkers should take priority. And on a side note, any cunt behind any bar that calls himself a "barista" ought to be summarily executed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuntspotter Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 Spot on there, baws. These landlords should keep their eye on the fucking ball, the drinkers should take priority. And on a side note, any cunt behind any bar that calls himself a "barista" ought to be summarily executed.Yes, Barista is only an anagram of stupid fucking cunt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 20, 2015 Report Share Posted July 20, 2015 In my old local you could buy potatoes, lay a bet, drop off your dry cleaning, and have minor wounds stitched - but you waited your turn while the drinkers got served or woe be-fucking-tide you.As it should be. Yes, Barista is only an anagram of stupid fucking cunt.My word, do you kiss your mum with that mouth? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Its Monday night I'm sitting in my local, it's quiet so only one member of staff and it starts......four girls sitting at a table making four glasses of tap water last two fucking hours decide it's coffee time - can i get one cappuccino with an extra blah blah fucking blah, young bloke behind the ramp starts banging, crashing and pulling levers on this fucking machine like the wizard of fucking oz, when this bollocks finally ends i think at last, but fucking no......can we pay separately swiftly followed by do you take cards? It would appear that once you've fired this fucking machine up similar to that particle accelerator thing in Switzerland it can't be left unattended, to cap it all not one of those cunts finished their tasty hot beverage and are now drinkig water out an evian bottle - you want coffee....go to a fucking cafe, I'm gasping you fucknuggets I'm surprised they weren't sitting there pissing around on their phones. They usually are Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 I take my coffee black, like my... oh hang on.. err.... kettle.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 These cunts always want a coffee near closing time too, never in the morning or afternoon. Why the fuck do you want a double espresso shot at half past 11 at night, you fucking circus freak? My theory is that this behaviour is part of a vicious circle. If these people could break out of i,t they would be normal, functional human beings. Hear me out:They drink a coffee late at night. As a result, they get no sleep when they get home. This has a detrimental effect on the mind, causing them to make horrifically shit decisions the next day, such as drinking coffee in pubs late at night. The only known antidote to this affliction is common sense, which is in extremely short supply.Their insistence on ordering so close to closing time also means the regular, normal drinkers can't get their last pint purchased in time, and the poor cunt working the shift can't get the contraption cleaned down early (coffee granules are an absolute cunt and get everywhere). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Symptomatic of this whole Friends-inspired fetishizing of coffee, acting as the 'Chris Froome' (if you will) to the ghastly peleton of Starbucks / Costa / Barista / coffee in pubs shitstorm that has followed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gong Farmer Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 The attempt at creating a cafe culture in the UK has turned out to be a load of hopeless bollocks hasn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) The attempt at creating a cafe culture in the UK has turned out to be a load of hopeless bollocks hasn't it?Well it depends really....I mean if you were aiming for a bunch of hipster existentialists sitting around, discussing revolutionary politics and the best way to throw up the barricades and defeat monopoly capitalism, whilst sucking on a Gitane and an espresso, you're probably right.If you're after a bunch of yummy mummies having some 'me time' whilst discussing the porn on Mumsnet or a bunch of bored teenagers with Che Guevara t-shirts, writing haikus on their Apple Macs whilst stroking their titty goatee beards (and that's just the girls, boom-tish) then you're not. Edited July 21, 2015 by Jiggerycock I didn't spell 'titty' correctly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 I mean if you were aiming for a bunch of hipster existentialists sitting around, discussing revolutionary politics and the best way to throw up the barricades and defeat monopoly capitalism, whilst sucking on a Gitane and an espresso, you're probably right.No absinthe, no comment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Cunt Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, Barista is only an anagram of stupid fucking cunt.I thought it meant a junior barrister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Yes, Barista is only an anagram of stupid fucking cunt.I thought it meant a junior barrister..and the difference is...?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 These cunts always want a coffee near closing time too, never in the morning or afternoon. Why the fuck do you want a double espresso shot at half past 11 at night, you fucking circus freak? My theory is that this behaviour is part of a vicious circle. If these people could break out of i,t they would be normal, functional human beings. Hear me out:They drink a coffee late at night. As a result, they get no sleep when they get home. This has a detrimental effect on the mind, causing them to make horrifically shit decisions the next day, such as drinking coffee in pubs late at night. The only known antidote to this affliction is common sense, which is in extremely short supply.Their insistence on ordering so close to closing time also means the regular, normal drinkers can't get their last pint purchased in time, and the poor cunt working the shift can't get the contraption cleaned down early (coffee granules are an absolute cunt and geteverywhere). last orders at 11pm. You get 20minutes to finish your drink before you are requested to leave. You of all fucking people should be familiar with licensing times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deebom Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Coffee is fucking rank, drank only by utter cunts and dirty forriner types. Puffs probably drink it as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Coffee is fucking rank, drank only by utter cunts and dirty forriner types. Puffs probably drink it as well.That stuff that comes out of a civet cat's arse is supposed to be the dogs bollocks, if you'll forgive me for mixing my metaphors. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 last orders at 11pm. You get 20minutes to finish your drink before you are requested to leave. You of all fucking people should be familiar with licensing times.Many pubs have extended licensing hours these days.You probably wouldn't know this, as I can't imagine anyone has invited you out for a drink in decades. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 technically, there are 24 licensing hours now... so its up to the individual consenting landlord... and the alcoholic local JPs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 The attempt at creating a cafe culture in the UK has turned out to be a load of hopeless bollocks hasn't it?Depends, Gongers. Have you seen this Bad Boys bakery in the Cafe Nero shops? The lads in HM Prison Brixton are baking treats and selling in the Nero cafes, round London. It fits somewhere in the utter cunt category because Gordon "Up his own arse" Ramsay set it up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 Depends, Gongers. Have you seen this Bad Boys bakery in the Cafe Nero shops? The lads in HM Prison Brixton are baking treats and selling in the Nero cafes, round London. It fits somewhere in the utter cunt category because Gordon "Up his own arse" Ramsay set it up! Only because some convict could chop an onion faster than he could... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 Coffee is fucking rank, drank only by utter cunts and dirty forriner types. Puffs probably drink it as well.There's nothing I find better than curling up on the sofa with a good hot Columbian! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 Depends, Gongers. Have you seen this Bad Boys bakery in the Cafe Nero shops? The lads in HM Prison Brixton are baking treats and selling in the Nero cafes, round London. It fits somewhere in the utter cunt category because Gordon "Up his own arse" Ramsay set it up! fuck that, my muffin had a hacksaw in it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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