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Having a choice of on hold music


Cuntybaws

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I had occasion to call a well-known insurance company today (Paul Whitehouse is a cunt!) and they've obviously run a few focus groups which informed them, “Your on hold music is fucking crap!” So, they've added a new step to the interminable process that precedes getting to speak to an actual human being, where you are invited to choose what sort of musical torture you’d prefer.

For Motown, Press 1. For Classical, Press 2. For Jazz, Press 3…

I don’t know what came after 3 because at the mention of Jazz I pressed 2 in a panic. Yes, you guessed it, fucking “Für Elise”, played by someone to whom the piano was apparently a very recently learned instrument.

For the next few minutes I sat miserably, wearing the same expression as Ray Stantz when he realised that he had inadvertently chosen the form of the Destructor.

1059761-699_1149700674.jpg

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Guest Wizardsleeve

Why hold music at all?  A form of torture that should be outlawed.  I'd rather have a voice tell me I'm next in queue every couple of minutes next tot he inhuman practice of making me listen to shit music recorded by nobody-ever-heard-of musicians with fuck all resembling talent.  

Vicious cunts.

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Guest Snatch
12 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said:

Why hold music at all?  A form of torture that should be outlawed.  I'd rather have a voice tell me I'm next in queue every couple of minutes next tot he inhuman practice of making me listen to shit music recorded by nobody-ever-heard-of musicians with fuck all resembling talent.  

Vicious cunts.

That was X-Factor you were listening to.

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Guest Wizardsleeve
Just now, Snatch said:

That was X-Factor you were listening to.

The magistrate agreed with me and killed all charges of destruction of property.  He claimed he'd have done the same thing, as would most reasonable people.  

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  • 1 year later...

Today I had the horrific experience of having to endure "Pruit Igoe" from "Koyaanisqatsi" while waiting to be condescended to by a minimum wage service desk minion. 

Philip Glass was, is, and will forever be a cunt.

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1 hour ago, Slippers said:

Worst is the 2 second screech from a soprano followed by an Indian sounding female saying "Hi, I'm Becky, how can I help?".

The worst for me is the little automated message every 40 seconds, that tells you, "Thank you for holding, your call is important to us". If it was that important, you'd hire enough staff to answer the bastard phones. I must agree though, it's astonishing the number of Bangladeshis named David or James, lying cunts.

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Guest 'eavensabove
On ‎1‎/‎6‎/‎2017 at 6:44 PM, Cuntybaws said:

I had occasion to call a well-known insurance company today (Paul Whitehouse is a cunt!) and they've obviously run a few focus groups which informed them, “Your on hold music is fucking crap!” So, they've added a new step to the interminable process that precedes getting to speak to an actual human being, where you are invited to choose what sort of musical torture you’d prefer.

For Motown, Press 1. For Classical, Press 2. For Jazz, Press 3…

I don’t know what came after 3 because at the mention of Jazz I pressed 2 in a panic. Yes, you guessed it, fucking “Für Elise”, played by someone to whom the piano was apparently a very recently learned instrument.

For the next few minutes I sat miserably, wearing the same expression as Ray Stantz when he realised that he had inadvertently chosen the form of the Destructor.

1059761-699_1149700674.jpg

You just couldn't stop yourself, could you...

I pressed No. 6 (SLF) and got an earful of shite. lol

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Guest 'eavensabove
34 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

The worst for me is the little automated message every 40 seconds, that tells you, "Thank you for holding, your call is important to us". If it was that important, you'd hire enough staff to answer the bastard phones. I must agree though, it's astonishing the number of Bangladeshis named David or James, lying cunts.

…. all of our lines are busy at the moment. If you wish to speak to an operator, then please redial: 0796388101751983625489107 for assistance.  

(actually, don't call that number Eric. All I got was Punkers answering machine and his price for a blow job)

Edited by 'eavensabove
Directory Enquiries.
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9 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said:

You just couldn't stop yourself, could you...

I pressed No. 6 (SLF) and got an earful of shite. lol

Be ironic if you did and up popped:

 

Beep-beep I'm an answering machine
I mean to say, I say what I mean
Beep-beep, I've got very strong views
Plug in any loop tape you choose

Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Scream whenever you hear this tone
 

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What about comedians? "For racist, homophobic and sexist comedy press 1 for Bernard Manning, if you want to listen to some squeeky voiced Geordie going on about biscuits and her cat press 2 for Sarah Millican, if you want to listen some middle class cunt going on about his kid saying "juice" but sounds like 'Jews'  press 3 for Michael McIntyre or if you want some jock who you can't understand because of their accent and early onset Alzheimer's then press 4 for Billy Connolly or  press 5 to listen to Helen Keller sing DoingThe Lambeth Walk".

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Guest 'eavensabove
2 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

What about comedians? For racist, homophobic and sexist comedy press 1 for Bernard Manning, if you want to listen to some squeeky voiced Geordie going on about biscuits and her cat press 2 for Sarah Millican, if you want to listen some middle class cunt going on about his kid saying "juice" but sounds like 'Jews'  press 3 for Michael McIntyre or if you want some jock who you can't understand because of their accent and early onset Alzheimer's then press 4 for Billy Connolly or  press 5 to listen to Helen Keller sing DoingThe Lambeth Walk.

What presses Your button?

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6 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

What about comedians? "For racist, homophobic and sexist comedy press 1 for Bernard Manning, if you want to listen to some squeeky voiced Geordie going on about biscuits and her cat press 2 for Sarah Millican, if you want to listen some middle class cunt going on about his kid saying "juice" but sounds like 'Jews'  press 3 for Michael McIntyre or if you want some jock who you can't understand because of their accent and early onset Alzheimer's then press 4 for Billy Connolly or  press 5 to listen to Helen Keller sing DoingThe Lambeth Walk".

The only press and hold I wanted to do on Bernard Manning was to press and hold his windpipe for about ten minutes.

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On 1/6/2017 at 6:44 PM, Cuntybaws said:

I had occasion to call a well-known insurance company today (Paul Whitehouse is a cunt!) and they've obviously run a few focus groups which informed them, “Your on hold music is fucking crap!” So, they've added a new step to the interminable process that precedes getting to speak to an actual human being, where you are invited to choose what sort of musical torture you’d prefer.

For Motown, Press 1. For Classical, Press 2. For Jazz, Press 3…

I don’t know what came after 3 because at the mention of Jazz I pressed 2 in a panic. Yes, you guessed it, fucking “Für Elise”, played by someone to whom the piano was apparently a very recently learned instrument.

For the next few minutes I sat miserably, wearing the same expression as Ray Stantz when he realised that he had inadvertently chosen the form of the Destructor.

1059761-699_1149700674.jpg

Pile of shit.

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1 hour ago, Jiggerycock said:

Be ironic if you did and up popped:

 

Beep-beep I'm an answering machine
I mean to say, I say what I mean
Beep-beep, I've got very strong views
Plug in any loop tape you choose

Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Speak whenever you hear this tone
Scream whenever you hear this tone

The one track that "Inflammable Material" could most easily have done without.

PS Want to read some Pseuds Corner bollocks...?  https://irishstudies.sunygeneseoenglish.org/2014/12/05/closed-groove/

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35 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said:

The one track that "Inflammable Material" could most easily have done without.

PS Want to read some Pseuds Corner bollocks...?  https://irishstudies.sunygeneseoenglish.org/2014/12/05/closed-groove/

Yeah, agreed

As for that article - I always thought it was a throwaway 'filler' about, umm,  an answering machine! If you wanted to get really up your own arse about it maybe a harmless little tune about the inexorable rise of technology, but fuck me eh? It's actually a full scale dissing of the Prods and the Bead Jigglers!

Who'd have thunk it?

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Guest Wizardsleeve

Withers has skulked his way out of the cooler, and handed Frank a like.  If on hold music MUST be played, I have developed a liking for hearing the screams of "no...don't...I don't want you" echoing from the cooler cells when Punky turns up to visit.  A charity save the world type recording could make millions and Geldof will undoubtedly be first in queue.   

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37 minutes ago, Frank said:

It's a very, very poor nomination. Try a little fluidity, you boring fucking cunt. 

Address any criticism via PM, you stupid cunt, you know I can't be seen to take advice from the man who nominated "Serena Williams Tits".

"Box of Flids" is in the past now, you've got to let it go.

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Guest Trumpton  Bacon
37 minutes ago, Frank said:

It's a very, very poor nomination. Try a little fluidity, you boring fucking cunt. 

Snowy's parody of your dire repertoire is much more engaging. For pity's sake man, draw some fresh inspiration from somewhere or fuck off.

 

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