Guest Ollyboro Posted October 2, 2018 Report Share Posted October 2, 2018 What does the name Bishop Auckland suggest to you? A ye olde market town with a nod to the new world perhaps? Perfectly preserved shop facades blending in seamlessly with the village green and late Norman church? Croquet and quoits? Nah. The first thing that struck me about Bishop fucking Auckland was the mangy looking pony tethered to the fucking roundabout at the entrance to Bishop fucking Auckland. This mass of matted hair looked like it might have belonged to the two fucking pikeys riding on a horse and trap that I'd been stuck behind on the road into Bishop fucking Auckland. Most places have signs telling you how far it is to other places. And these distances are generally speaking expressed in miles, or half miles. Not in Bishop fucking Auckland. Bishop fucking Auckland appears to use dog shite. Seriously, there's a pile of dog shit every 10 metres (10.936 yards after Brexit) in Bishop fucking Auckland. "Excuse me, my good fellow, could you tell me how far it is to the coal merchants?" "Why aye, marra. Ya need ta folla the pile of dog shite for three and a dozen more dog shites, tack a left at the pile of dog shite, then folla the piles of dog shite till ya reach a pile of dog shite and it's there. Next to another pile of dog shite. I diven't knaa if you've seen my dog shite, have ya marra ? I seem to have lost it." Dog shite also appears to signify social status in Bishop fucking Auckland. Several homes had large piles of dog shite leading to their front doors. These homes also appeared to be the ones whose gates hadn't totally fallen off and whose trampolines were still standing in the front garden. The most shocking thing about the entire place was the amount of blokes in their 40s and 50s, sporting shell suits and hanging about street corners on BMXs. Next to a pile of dog shite. Seriously. Even the good folks in East Cleveland (Brotton, Skinningrove etc) appear to be cappuccino sipping, gauloises puffing sophisticates when compared to the lobotomised Mackem half-breed dog shite worshippers one encounters in Bishop fucking Auckland. Cunts to man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted October 3, 2018 Report Share Posted October 3, 2018 Bishop's Castle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Posted October 3, 2018 Report Share Posted October 3, 2018 I'll see your Bishop fucking Auckland and raise you a Grate(sic) fucking Yarmouth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest N/A Posted October 3, 2018 Report Share Posted October 3, 2018 22 hours ago, Ollyboro said: What does the name Bishop Auckland suggest to you? A ye olde market town with a nod to the new world perhaps? Perfectly preserved shop facades blending in seamlessly with the village green and late Norman church? Croquet and quoits? Nah. The first thing that struck me about Bishop fucking Auckland was the mangy looking pony tethered to the fucking roundabout at the entrance to Bishop fucking Auckland. This mass of matted hair looked like it might have belonged to the two fucking pikeys riding on a horse and trap that I'd been stuck behind on the road into Bishop fucking Auckland. Most places have signs telling you how far it is to other places. And these distances are generally speaking expressed in miles, or half miles. Not in Bishop fucking Auckland. Bishop fucking Auckland appears to use dog shite. Seriously, there's a pile of dog shit every 10 metres (10.936 yards after Brexit) in Bishop fucking Auckland. "Excuse me, my good fellow, could you tell me how far it is to the coal merchants?" "Why aye, marra. Ya need ta folla the pile of dog shite for three and a dozen more dog shites, tack a left at the pile of dog shite, then folla the piles of dog shite till ya reach a pile of dog shite and it's there. Next to another pile of dog shite. I diven't knaa if you've seen my dog shite, have ya marra ? I seem to have lost it." Dog shite also appears to signify social status in Bishop fucking Auckland. Several homes had large piles of dog shite leading to their front doors. These homes also appeared to be the ones whose gates hadn't totally fallen off and whose trampolines were still standing in the front garden. The most shocking thing about the entire place was the amount of blokes in their 40s and 50s, sporting shell suits and hanging about street corners on BMXs. Next to a pile of dog shite. Seriously. Even the good folks in East Cleveland (Brotton, Skinningrove etc) appear to be cappuccino sipping, gauloises puffing sophisticates when compared to the lobotomised Mackem half-breed dog shite worshippers one encounters in Bishop fucking Auckland. Cunts to man. I had forgotten the term Marra and your use of it brought back fond memories of 4 years living in a similar environment in Cumbria. What a dog shit infested, heavily drug dependent, unemployable, bmx riding in their 40s set of cunts they were. Utter fucking shit hole full of marras pet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 5 hours ago, Monumental cunt said: I had forgotten the term Marra and your use of it brought back fond memories of 4 years living in a similar environment in Cumbria. Heh heh heh, you said "Cum". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest N/A Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 2 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: Heh heh heh, you said "Cum". Lol... thaaaaats funeeeeee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest N/A Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 On 10/3/2018 at 12:46 AM, Ollyboro said: What does the name Bishop Auckland suggest to you? A ye olde market town with a nod to the new world perhaps? Perfectly preserved shop facades blending in seamlessly with the village green and late Norman church? Croquet and quoits? Nah. The first thing that struck me about Bishop fucking Auckland was the mangy looking pony tethered to the fucking roundabout at the entrance to Bishop fucking Auckland. This mass of matted hair looked like it might have belonged to the two fucking pikeys riding on a horse and trap that I'd been stuck behind on the road into Bishop fucking Auckland. Most places have signs telling you how far it is to other places. And these distances are generally speaking expressed in miles, or half miles. Not in Bishop fucking Auckland. Bishop fucking Auckland appears to use dog shite. Seriously, there's a pile of dog shit every 10 metres (10.936 yards after Brexit) in Bishop fucking Auckland. "Excuse me, my good fellow, could you tell me how far it is to the coal merchants?" "Why aye, marra. Ya need ta folla the pile of dog shite for three and a dozen more dog shites, tack a left at the pile of dog shite, then folla the piles of dog shite till ya reach a pile of dog shite and it's there. Next to another pile of dog shite. I diven't knaa if you've seen my dog shite, have ya marra ? I seem to have lost it." Dog shite also appears to signify social status in Bishop fucking Auckland. Several homes had large piles of dog shite leading to their front doors. These homes also appeared to be the ones whose gates hadn't totally fallen off and whose trampolines were still standing in the front garden. The most shocking thing about the entire place was the amount of blokes in their 40s and 50s, sporting shell suits and hanging about street corners on BMXs. Next to a pile of dog shite. Seriously. Even the good folks in East Cleveland (Brotton, Skinningrove etc) appear to be cappuccino sipping, gauloises puffing sophisticates when compared to the lobotomised Mackem half-breed dog shite worshippers one encounters in Bishop fucking Auckland. Cunts to man. Nay Branches on the Family Tree The only Town Twinned with itself. Brother, Sister, Mam, Dad, who knows who is who ar divant narr marra. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Cunt Standing Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 Try the Chemists in the delightful hamlet of Cumbernauld, early in the morning when they ring the Methadone bell, and get the bottle of sugar-free green out of the vault. The sun is just bleaching the sky, and from all directions come these shambling figures in tracksuits and untied shoes. Must have been the inspiration for George A. Romero. Cumbernauld is also where I first discovered the charming practice of spit-back. Irvine Welsh is a undeniable Cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 Wem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 West Wycombe Twinned with Père Lachaise Cemetery, this truly is the Village of the Damned. Snaggle-toothed yokels present a new and interesting strain to test the Bucks Council pest control authorites, whose only answer is to spike the two-litre bottles of meths these droids suck down for their sustenance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 4 hours ago, Jiggerycock said: West Wycombe Twinned with Père Lachaise Cemetery, this truly is the Village of the Damned. Snaggle-toothed yokels present a new and interesting strain to test the Bucks Council pest control authorites, whose only answer is to spike the two-litre bottles of meths these droids suck down for their sustenance. Ever been to Chinnor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 14 minutes ago, William T.D. Stickers said: Ever been to Chinnor? I'll raise you one Cinderford... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 4 minutes ago, Stubby Pecker said: I'll raise you one Cinderford... Bollocks. Chinnor’s main attraction was a cement works and they don’t even have that anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 minute ago, William T.D. Stickers said: Bollocks. Chinnor’s main attraction was a cement works and they don’t even have that anymore. https://www.ilivehere.co.uk/cinderford-tenth-circle-hell.html I'll cede to you local knowledge William. All's I can say is "Sinerfud" as the native mutants call it, has to been seen to be believed. I reckon this thread could produce some great candidates for the CC Xmas piss up, decided by poll of course Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 hour ago, William T.D. Stickers said: Ever been to Chinnor? I practically live there matey-boy! Fuck me, I thought West Wycombe was a bit 'middle of the Twit towns 'Venn Diagram, but Chinnor is getting really micro level. What next? 'Third caravan on the left in the Pikey camp just down the road from me'. A worthy nom, which hits the sweet spot like a Kevin Pietersen cover drive, 'cept no fucker has a clue what I'm on about. {adopts 'Angus Deyton in his HIGNFY pomp' voice} 'So no change there then' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 hour ago, Stubby Pecker said: I'll raise you one Cinderford... Didcot surely trumps that. The main landmark was a power station that collapsed burying some workers so that isn't even there. They had a flea pit of a cinema where I went to see The Amazing Mr Blunden when I was a kid. The film broke down halfway through so a couple of hundred very pissed off kids high on popcorn and kiora went fucking apeshit. Some say the poor ice cream lady never got over the following riot. She was found dead some weeks later covered in smarties and chocolate flakes. She had topped herself. Ithangyow 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 hour ago, camberwell gypsy said: Didcot surely trumps that. The main landmark was a power station that collapsed burying some workers so that isn't even there. They had a flea pit of a cinema where I went to see The Amazing Mr Blunden when I was a kid. The film broke down halfway through so a couple of hundred very pissed off kids high on popcorn and kiora went fucking apeshit. Some say the poor ice cream lady never got over the following riot. She was found dead some weeks later covered in smarties and chocolate flakes. She had topped herself. Ithangyow 'The A of O' as it's known locally ('Arsehole of Oxfordshire') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 hour ago, Jiggerycock said: 'The A of O' as it's known locally ('Arsehole of Oxfordshire') I think it was still Berks when I went Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 7 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: I think it was still Berks when I went It's still full of Berks, that's for def' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 4 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said: It's still full of Berks, that's for def' Wikipedia states among its notable people a bloke who cultivated watercress and fucking Radiohead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 2 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: Wikipedia states among its notable people a bloke who cultivated watercress and fucking Radiohead. I didn't mean he fucked Radiohead as well as cultivating watercress. Although, Radiohead do need fucking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 Let's end this war of shitty UK towns right now. East Anglia proudly presents... Harwich and Jaywick. game over. The Enola Gay is headed home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 21 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: Let's end this war of shitty UK towns right now. East Anglia proudly presents... Harwich and Jaywick. game over. The Enola Gay is headed home. Hold your fucking horses, son. In mine and Wikipedia's definition of East Anglia, Essex doesn't feature. We've got enough problems with Yarmouth and Ipswich. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 6 minutes ago, Decimus said: Hold your fucking horses, son. In mine and Wikipedia's definition of East Anglia, Essex doesn't feature. We've got enough problems with Yarmouth and Ipswich. Seen Pontins at Hemsby recently? They say it's overgrown and derelict now, but the latest photographs look exactly the same as I remember it 20 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted October 4, 2018 Report Share Posted October 4, 2018 1 hour ago, Eric Cuntman said: Seen Pontins at Hemsby recently? They say it's overgrown and derelict now, but the latest photographs look exactly the same as I remember it 20 years ago. I was hoping that it had fallen into the sea that day earlier this year. I'm sure that 'Eavens felt the same re his Pedigree Chum flavoured hard drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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