Burns Night Ceilidh in a heatwave

[Last Cunt Standing]

There’s a Cunt of an event on my horizon. As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important. Hence it is no surprise that the local contingent of porridge-wallah refugees from the land of heroin, rain and sectarian violence have taken over the local community hall next Thursday, intent on bedecking it with tartan and serving the assembled guests cullen skink, multi-offal with root vegetables and Bells-infused trifle. Some idiot in the full tribal dress is going to bellow Ayrshire incantations at us all then deafen us with a demented pipe rendition of Down Under by Men at Work. Then, after we are all stuffed and half cut, comes the deranged Ceilidh band with lots of twirling round and round, presumably till we vomit all over each other. 

Of course, I could refuse to go. In previous years I’ve had a holiday, Covid or surgery recovery to hide behind. Not this year. My idiot but endearingly keen wife has signed us both up with a party of our Caledonian friends. She has neglected to consider the current weather over here is touching 38 degrees and jigging about in black tie is almost certain to cause issues. The food and whisky I don’t mind, and the banter is usually strong, but the dancing can get to fuck. The only saving grace is that given the following day is the Australia Day public holiday, the whole neighbourhood will stay in bed until 5pm nursing our hangovers. 

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts. Some of you must have some original excuses I can nick?

Anyway, this Cunt of a thing will ruin my mood for a full week and I’m not too proud to share my annoyance. 

[Penny Farthing]

3 minutes ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

There’s a Cunt of an event on my horizon. As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important. Hence it is no surprise that the local contingent of porridge-wallah refugees from the land of Heroin and Sectarian violence have taken over the local community hall next Thursday, intent on bedecking it with tartan and serving the assembled guests Cullen Skink, multi-offal with root vegetables and Bells-infused trifle. Some idiot in the full tribal dress is going to bellow Ayrshire incantations at us all then deafen us with a demented pipe rendition of Down Under by Men at Work. Then, after we are all stuffed and half cut, comes the deranged Ceilidh band with lots of twirling round and round, presumably till we vomit all over each other. 

Of course, I could refuse to go. In previous years I’ve a holiday or surgery recovery to hide behind. Not this year. My idiot but endearingly keen wife has signed us both up with a party of our Caledonian friends. She has neglected to consider the current weather over here is touching 38 degrees and jigging about in black tie is almost certain to cause issues. The food I don’t mind but the dancing can get to fuck. The only saving grace is that given the following day is the Australia Day public holiday, the whole neighbourhood will stay in bed until 5pm nursing our hangovers. 

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts. Some of you must have some original excuses I can nick?

Anyway, this Cunt of a thing will ruin my mood for a full week and I’m not too proud to share my annoyance. 

learn the words,

 

[Greg]

1 hour ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass

Don't know why you're going to a fenian shindig anyway.

[Wolfie]

2 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

There’s a Cunt of an event on my horizon. As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important. Hence it is no surprise that the local contingent of porridge-wallah refugees from the land of heroin, rain and sectarian violence have taken over the local community hall next Thursday, intent on bedecking it with tartan and serving the assembled guests cullen skink, multi-offal with root vegetables and Bells-infused trifle. Some idiot in the full tribal dress is going to bellow Ayrshire incantations at us all then deafen us with a demented pipe rendition of Down Under by Men at Work. Then, after we are all stuffed and half cut, comes the deranged Ceilidh band with lots of twirling round and round, presumably till we vomit all over each other. 

Of course, I could refuse to go. In previous years I’ve a holiday, Covid or surgery recovery to hide behind. Not this year. My idiot but endearingly keen wife has signed us both up with a party of our Caledonian friends. She has neglected to consider the current weather over here is touching 38 degrees and jigging about in black tie is almost certain to cause issues. The food and whisky I don’t mind, and the banter is usually strong, but the dancing can get to fuck. The only saving grace is that given the following day is the Australia Day public holiday, the whole neighbourhood will stay in bed until 5pm nursing our hangovers. 

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts. Some of you must have some original excuses I can nick?

Anyway, this Cunt of a thing will ruin my mood for a full week and I’m not too proud to share my annoyance. 

Well, if I was being really pedantic, I'd suggest this is a feeble attempt to free yourself of your blatant subserviency and ass-kissing of Cuntybores. You can have a like for empathy, however, as I've been in similar situations brought about by the missus – just recently at Christmas.

But 38C, really? Hardly a metaphor for the Caledonian spirit.

[Cuntybaws]

2 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts.

Turn up wearing a Union Jack waistcoat and a Jimmy Hill mask. You won't be there long. I keep a switchblade in my sporran for just such an eventuality.

As a very distant (and against all odds legitimate) direct descendant of the  Ayrshire Bard I always look forward to the 25th. Traditional haggis is an acquired taste, but these days it's mostly done all fancy schmancy - haggis and potato bon bons in a creamy whisky sauce, for example. Fucking lovely!

[Cuntybaws]

2 minutes ago, Wolfie said:

Well, if I was being really pedantic, I'd suggest this is a feeble attempt to free yourself of your blatant subserviency and ass-kissing of Cuntybores.

Hey, fuck off Wolfie, can't you see I'm grooming him? I fancy diving the Great Barrier Reef and the South Pacific next year, and I'll need somewhere to stay for a few months between trips.

[Eric Cuntman]

16 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said:

Hey, fuck off Wolfie, can't you see I'm grooming him? I fancy diving the Great Barrier Reef and the South Pacific next year, and I'll need somewhere to stay for a few months between trips.

Jock Cousteau

[Greg]

2 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important.

To wit, look @OldChapMacRascaltwat Morris dancing below

 

 

 

 

 

[Last Cunt Standing]

1 hour ago, Cuntybaws said:

Turn up wearing a Union Jack waistcoat and a Jimmy Hill mask. You won't be there long. I keep a switchblade in my sporran for just such an eventuality. As a very distant (and against all odds legitimate) direct descendant of the  Ayrshire Bard I always look forward to the 25th.

I’m obviously now duty bound to call bullshit, not just as my regular correspondent thinks I’m some sort of gimpy superfan, but also because over the years I’ve heard about 20,000 of your lot claim lineage with Burns, and it’s about as convincing as the 1000 people that must have been in John Lennon’s primary class. The Union Jack waistcoat won’t be that controversial either, some of these people are Rangers fans for fuck’s sake. 

1 hour ago, Cuntybaws said:

Hey, fuck off Wolfie, can't you see I'm grooming him? I fancy diving the Great Barrier Reef and the South Pacific next year, and I'll need somewhere to stay for a few months between trips.

And this is bollocks, too. I’m the wrong side of the continent for either of these destinations (unlike @southerncunt) and my pool house makes the local Ritz-Carlton look cheap. 

[Last Cunt Standing]

1 hour ago, Wolfie said:

You can have a like for empathy, however, as I've been in similar situations brought about by the missus – just recently at Christmas.

Charitable of you squire. Next thing you know they’ll be linking hands through the Erez crossing and singing Kumbaya.

But bollocks, all the same. 

[Old Chap Raasclaat]

33 minutes ago, Greg said:

To wit, look @OldChapMacRascaltwat Morris dancing below

 

 

 

 

 

Greg, what's the cause of this unprovoked attack and thread derailment?

[Greg]

17 minutes ago, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

Greg, what's the cause of this unprovoked attack and thread derailment?

It's hardly derailment. Some cunt was talking about cultural traditions & lands of origin. Throw you in that mix, & you get Black Morris dancers, or I suppose White voodoo rituals in Dorset. As for unprovoked attacks I suggest you visit the Calton area of Glasgow. Tongs ya bass.

[Guest Basil]

4 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

There’s a Cunt of an event on my horizon. As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important. Hence it is no surprise that the local contingent of porridge-wallah refugees from the land of heroin, rain and sectarian violence have taken over the local community hall next Thursday, intent on bedecking it with tartan and serving the assembled guests cullen skink, multi-offal with root vegetables and Bells-infused trifle. Some idiot in the full tribal dress is going to bellow Ayrshire incantations at us all then deafen us with a demented pipe rendition of Down Under by Men at Work. Then, after we are all stuffed and half cut, comes the deranged Ceilidh band with lots of twirling round and round, presumably till we vomit all over each other. 

Of course, I could refuse to go. In previous years I’ve had a holiday, Covid or surgery recovery to hide behind. Not this year. My idiot but endearingly keen wife has signed us both up with a party of our Caledonian friends. She has neglected to consider the current weather over here is touching 38 degrees and jigging about in black tie is almost certain to cause issues. The food and whisky I don’t mind, and the banter is usually strong, but the dancing can get to fuck. The only saving grace is that given the following day is the Australia Day public holiday, the whole neighbourhood will stay in bed until 5pm nursing our hangovers. 

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts. Some of you must have some original excuses I can nick?

Anyway, this Cunt of a thing will ruin my mood for a full week and I’m not too proud to share my annoyance. 

A load of bladdered up yobbos. Nobody sane even understands the poetry of Robbie Burns.

[Guest Basil]

6 minutes ago, Greg said:

It's hardly derailment. Some cunt was talking about cultural traditions & lands of origin. Throw you in that mix, & you get Black Morris dancers, or I suppose White voodoo rituals in Dorset. As for unprovoked attacks I suggest you visit the Calton area of Glasgow. Tongs ya bass.

Idiot.

[Cuntybaws]

56 minutes ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

I’m obviously now duty bound to call bullshit because over the years I’ve heard about 20,000 of your lot claim lineage with Burns 

I can assure you it's true, but as I'm only a third cousin seven times removed I still have to buy a ticket just like every other cunt.

Mrs Baws is massively into genealogy and has parish records which trace my lineage directly back to Rabbie himself, and there are DNA matches in confirmed lines back to shared relatives. More recently, and less Scottishly, I'm also vaguely related to David Niven.

 

[and]

3 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

More recently, and less Scottishly, I'm also vaguely related to David Niven

He was know for 'putting it about' in his younger days, and wasn't too particular where... 😉

[Penny Farthing]

3 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

I can assure you it's true, but as I'm only a third cousin seven times removed I still have to buy a ticket just like every other cunt.

Mrs Baws is massively into genealogy and has parish records which trace my lineage directly back to Rabbie himself, and there are DNA matches in confirmed lines back to shared relatives. More recently, and less Scottishly, I'm also vaguely related to David Niven.

 

I am wondering whether the last known Englishman @Decimus might have some advice re @Last Cunt Standing's problem?

[and]

15 minutes ago, Penny Farthing said:

I am wondering whether the last known Englishman @Decimus might have some advice re @Last Cunt Standing's problem?

He'll probably advise him to move to Canada 🤣🤣🤣

[Old Chap Raasclaat]

6 hours ago, Greg said:

It's hardly derailment. Some cunt was talking about cultural traditions & lands of origin. Throw you in that mix, & you get Black Morris dancers, or I suppose White voodoo rituals in Dorset. As for unprovoked attacks I suggest you visit the Calton area of Glasgow. Tongs ya bass.

Tell me more about yourself, Greg. Are you from Scotland? Protestant, due to your anti fenian comment? Are you some sort of hard man? Are you a Bumder?

[ChildeHarold]

35 minutes ago, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

Tell me more about yourself, Greg. Are you from Scotland? Protestant, due to your anti fenian comment? Are you some sort of hard man? Are you a Bumder?

He's a very nice boy

[camberwell gypsy]

11 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

There’s a Cunt of an event on my horizon. As with all immigrants, celebrating the cultural traditions of your lands of origin becomes hugely important. Hence it is no surprise that the local contingent of porridge-wallah refugees from the land of heroin, rain and sectarian violence have taken over the local community hall next Thursday, intent on bedecking it with tartan and serving the assembled guests cullen skink, multi-offal with root vegetables and Bells-infused trifle. Some idiot in the full tribal dress is going to bellow Ayrshire incantations at us all then deafen us with a demented pipe rendition of Down Under by Men at Work. Then, after we are all stuffed and half cut, comes the deranged Ceilidh band with lots of twirling round and round, presumably till we vomit all over each other. 

Of course, I could refuse to go. In previous years I’ve had a holiday, Covid or surgery recovery to hide behind. Not this year. My idiot but endearingly keen wife has signed us both up with a party of our Caledonian friends. She has neglected to consider the current weather over here is touching 38 degrees and jigging about in black tie is almost certain to cause issues. The food and whisky I don’t mind, and the banter is usually strong, but the dancing can get to fuck. The only saving grace is that given the following day is the Australia Day public holiday, the whole neighbourhood will stay in bed until 5pm nursing our hangovers. 

I’d be interested in any collective advice on how I can best turn up, eat and drink my fill, then fuck off before the mass embarrassment starts. Some of you must have some original excuses I can nick?

Anyway, this Cunt of a thing will ruin my mood for a full week and I’m not too proud to share my annoyance. 

I'm sure if you wear a kilt you'll be alright. Twirling around like a cunt with your bell end whirling like a helicopter in a whirlwind will keep you nice and cool. 

[camberwell gypsy]

7 hours ago, Greg said:

It's hardly derailment. Some cunt was talking about cultural traditions & lands of origin. Throw you in that mix, & you get Black Morris dancers, or I suppose White voodoo rituals in Dorset. As for unprovoked attacks I suggest you visit the Calton area of Glasgow. Tongs ya bass.

Is it full of Frankie Miller lookalikes? "McCafferty, ya teas oot"!

Just a Boy's Game- BBC 1979. (Featuring the greatest headbutt in TV history). 

 

[Greg]

2 hours ago, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

Tell me more about yourself, Greg. Are you from Scotland? Protestant, due to your anti fenian comment? Are you some sort of hard man? Are you a Bumder?

To answer your questions in order. No, no, yes and no. 

[Greg]

1 hour ago, ChildeHarold said:

He's a very nice boy

Thanks H. I always knew you were on my side.

[Wolfie]

23 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

Hey, fuck off Wolfie, can't you see I'm grooming him? I fancy diving the Great Barrier Reef and the South Pacific next year, and I'll need somewhere to stay for a few months between trips.

 

22 hours ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

I’m the wrong side of the continent for either of these destinations (unlike @southerncunt) and my pool house makes the local Ritz-Carlton look cheap. 

Here you go Bores. It appears you hadn't worked out that LCS resides in Perth ("Western ‘Straya"), like 99% of the rest of the puntership, which is on the Indian Ocean, so I thought this gentle little geography tutorial might come in handy while planning your trip to the Great Barrier Reef and South Pacific: