scotty Posted May 19, 2019 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2019 In bed with the wife, she said “can we do it Liverpool style?” “What’s that?” I asked. She said “I want you to spend ages on top, and come second.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted May 19, 2019 Report Share Posted May 19, 2019 On 07/05/2019 at 08:08, scotty said: I winced in agony as I inserted the viagra into my urethra. "Surely it shouldn't hurt like this?" I thought. Then I realised what I was doing wrong. Obviously, I should have taken it out of the packet first. Have you seen that new film about Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted May 19, 2019 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2019 42 minutes ago, 'eavensabove said: Have you seen that new film about Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. Heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted May 20, 2019 Report Share Posted May 20, 2019 22 hours ago, scotty said: Heard about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. That's what you call, tough shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted May 31, 2019 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 A bloke phoned my surgery worried that he'd become incontinent. "Where are you ringing from?" I asked. He said "from the waist down." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Billy Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 3 blokes at the maternity ward, waiting for their babies to be born. All 3 are knitting. The first guy says “I hope my missus has a boy. Im knitting a little jumper in blue. The second guy says “I hope my missus has a girl. I’m knitting a little cardigan in pink. The third guy says “ I hope to fuck my missus has a flid. I’ve completely fucked the arms up on this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 58 minutes ago, scotty said: A bloke phoned my surgery worried that he'd become incontinent. "Where are you ringing from?" I asked. He said "from the waist down." We had a meeting in our surgery today and one of the partners, a distinguished gent spoke of a female patient he saw having a clitoris like a gherkin. I said that they come in different sizes, to which he replied "I wasn't referring to the size, I was referring to the flavour". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 18 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said: We had a meeting in our surgery today and one of the partners, a distinguished gent spoke of a female patient he saw having a clitoris like a gherkin. I said that they come in different sizes, to which he replied "I wasn't referring to the size, I was referring to the flavour". Mummy, Nanna's in the shower, what is that prawn between her legs? That's not a prawn darling, that's Nanna's clitoris. That's strange Mummy, it tasted just like a prawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 9 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: Mummy, Nanna's in the shower, what is that prawn between her legs? That's not a prawn darling, that's Nanna's clitoris. That's strange Mummy, it tasted just like a prawn. Idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted May 31, 2019 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 A guy from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning. He said, “We’ve had a complaint that you’ve been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of four stone.” I said, “It’s not a cat.” “Oh” he replied, “There must be a mistake, is it a dog?” I said, “No, it’s a hamster.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 7 hours ago, scotty said: A bloke phoned my surgery worried that he'd become incontinent. "Where are you ringing from?" I asked. He said "from the waist down." Keeping with the spirit of homophonic excreta jokes, what’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Billy Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 What goes Ha Ha Bonk? someone laughing their head off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 2 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: Keeping with the spirit of homophonic excreta jokes, what’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. 40 year old pile of shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 1 hour ago, King Billy said: What goes Ha Ha Bonk? someone laughing their head off 50 year old pile of shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Billy Posted May 31, 2019 Report Share Posted May 31, 2019 9 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: 50 year old pile of shit Happy birthday. 🎂 Are you having a party? fucking idiot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 1, 2019 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 I didn't like that motorway trip much. The overhead signs kept showing messages about fucking my mother, then the guy at the pay booth took my money, called me a paedo and told me to kill myself. I think it was the M6 Troll. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny Farthing Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 We had a similar bad experience .. we took a slip road that we had not seen before and when we got on to the motorway some cunt stopped us and told us that we had to get out of the car and push it. It took us hours to get to the pay booth and we were sweating like fuck, and when I asked the attendant about it and complained he said that we were on the M6 Toil Road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Earl Albert of Ross (Bt) Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 I had a wank over my ex wife last night, I know it's wrong but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have my set of keys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 2 hours ago, Earl Albert of Ross said: I had a wank over my ex wife last night, I know it's wrong but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have my set of keys. When Sickipedia meets reality, Albert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Earl Albert of Ross (Bt) Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 2 hours ago, Wolfie said: When Sickipedia meets reality, Albert. I know all you lot think I'm thick, maybe I am, but please can explain in a monosyllabic, plain English sentence what exactly you're getting at. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 5 hours ago, Earl Albert of Ross said: I know all you lot think I'm thick, maybe I am, but please can explain in a monosyllabic, plain English sentence what exactly you're getting at. I think he’s inferring that this is a true story, told in the first person. I’m sorry that some of these words are polysyllabic, but I just can’t stop myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 On 31/05/2019 at 19:43, Witheredscrote said: 40 year old pile of shit That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said about me all week, cheers Withers. Everyone else may think you’re a cunt but you’ve got your plus points. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Billy Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 5 hours ago, Earl Albert of Ross said: I had a wank over my ex wife last night, I know it's wrong but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have my set of keys. Welcome back Albert 😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Earl Albert of Ross (Bt) Posted June 1, 2019 Report Share Posted June 1, 2019 1 hour ago, King Billy said: Welcome back Albert 😀 Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 2, 2019 Report Share Posted June 2, 2019 10 hours ago, Cuntybaws said: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said about me all week, cheers Withers. Everyone else may think you’re a cunt but you’ve got your plus points. Most around his fat fucking waistline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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