Speed awareness course cunts

[The Beast]

It has been over a week since I subjected myself to this fucking thing, so traumatised , I now feel able to put something up.

No shortage of cunts, about forty, a wide variety, ranging from old dears to young men. 

One fog horned old Doris was mouthing off that it was the third time she had been on such a course. Clearly didn't garner anything from the previous two attendances, still thought the national speed limit for a car on a single carriage road is 70 mph.

One cockernee wide boy yapping on about his beamer, moaning he didn't deserve to be on the course, as in his pig shit ignorant view he had done fuck all wrong. I was hoping afterwards he would find his beloved shed in the car park with all the tyres fucking slashed and human excrement on the bonnet.

I had the ignominy of being sat next to Bullshit Bill, halitosis affected, wheezing cunt, gloating about how in a previous occupation delivering cars, he got caught by plod driving a Ferrari at 180 mph on the fucking A12.

Despite the fact I have dealt with the public for over 30 years, usually in a context where they need my help, I can't highlight fulsomely enough, that as a collective, they are unbearable fucking wankers. I'm glad I never have been selected for jury fucking service and have to spend an extended duration with other stupid fucking idiot cunts.

My only salvation, albeit a cunt in itself, is if I get another 3 point speeding fine in the next 3 years, I have to pay the fucking fine and won't be offered the option of a course.

 

 

[Roadkill]

@The Beast

Thought I saw you driving to work this morning:

 

[Cuntybaws]

I wouldn't do well on one of these courses. If I may quote from the tattered remnants of one of my first ever nominations:

Quote

Okay, so it was a fair cop, I was doing 48mph in a 40 zone. (The fact that it was 5am with perfect visibility and no other traffic within a mile doesn't matter, I get that.) Have some of my money, with my gratitude for the great job you're doing on behalf of the law-abiding majority, jumping out from behind a wall with your gay little speed gun . JUST DON'T GIVE ME A CONDESCENDING 10-MINUTE LECTURE ON STOPPING DISTANCES YOU SOUR-FACED CUNT. I UNDERSTAND FUCKING PHYSICS. NOW, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU FAILED YOUR SERGEANT'S EXAM IN THE LAST 30 YEARS, I WONDER?

 

[Roadkill]

1 minute ago, Cuntybaws said:

I wouldn't do well on one of these courses. If I may quote from the tattered remnants of one of my first ever nominations:

 

I've never understood your generation's insistence on speeding everywhere. Must be a remnant of the time when all cars didn't look like they were formed in the same jelly moulds and were allowed to have engines over two litres.

 

If you take your time and obey the speed limits then you can drink more lager and shoot up more heroin.

[Cunty BigBollox]

I'm fully aware how fast 87mph is so I don't need any course to make me more aware. fuck off.

[Ape™️]

5 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said:

I'm fully aware how fast 87mph is so I don't need any course to make me more aware. fuck off.

But are you fully aware what an unfunny and utterly fucking shit comment this is? I certainly am. 

[Stubby Pecker]

17 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said:

I'm fully aware how fast 87mph is so I don't need any course to make me more aware. fuck off.

Is 87mph the speed the room spins around after your 12th can of kestrel super?

[Cuntybaws]

50 minutes ago, Roadkill said:

I've never understood your generation's insistence on speeding everywhere. Must be a remnant of the time when all cars didn't look like they were formed in the same jelly moulds and were allowed to have engines over two litres.

The cunt I'm driving at the moment is probably illegal in most countries, it has that many litres and superchargers. It might as well run on a Mr Fusion reactor.

[camberwell gypsy]

I wouldn't go on one of these courses. Nobody tells me how to fucking drive. 

[Jiggerycock]

I've been on three of these bullshit festivals. 

Never said a word, kept my head down and got the fuck out quickly (earned another three points by the time I hit the exit door this one time. Anyway....)

Fact is two of them were led by the same bloke. Think of a 'sub David Brent' corpulent toad, who had a crowd who were going nowhere for four hours and therefore he basically had everything in place to prove he was the funniest fucker on God's green earth. 

Christmas cracker jokes, sigle-entendres, lame impressions - there was no beginning to this arseholes' talents but that wasn't going to stop him. Then there's this bit where he has to tell the emotional tale of a multi-car pile up and several deaths on the M5 and fuck me if he didn't go full on Laurence Oliver, if Olivier had no acting skill, self-awareness and terminal halitosis.

10 years on and I can still remember the cunt so hey kids, there's no business like show business and leave 'em wanting more, right?

[camberwell gypsy]

2 hours ago, Roadkill said:

@The Beast

Thought I saw you driving to work this morning:

 

Uncle Jimmy says; "Now then now then, Clunk click every trip. Ughuhuhuhuhuhuh!"

[camberwell gypsy]

4 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said:

I've been on three of these bullshit festivals. 

Never said a word, kept my head down and got the fuck out quickly (earned another three points by the time I hit the exit door this one time. Anyway....)

Fact is two of them were led by the same bloke. Think of a 'sub David Brent' corpulent toad, who had a crowd who were going nowhere for four hours and therefore he basically had everything in place to prove he was the funniest fucker on God's green earth. 

Christmas cracker jokes, sigle-entendres, lame impressions - there was no beginning to this arseholes' talents but that wasn't going to stop him. Then there's this bit where he has to tell the emotional tale of a multi-car pile up and several deaths on the M5 and fuck me if he didn't go full on Laurence Oliver, if Olivier had no acting skill, self-awareness and terminal halitosis.

10 years on and I can still remember the cunt so hey kids, there's no business like show business and leave 'em wanting more, right?

He's probably in panto playing Christopher Biggins knickers. 

[Cunty BigBollox]

1 hour ago, Stubby Pecker said:

Is 87mph the speed the room spins around after your 12th can of kestrel super?

 

I drink Peregrine Premium nowadays, it's more refined for the discerning drinker. Suckers. Lol.

[King Billy]

56 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

I wouldn't go on one of these courses. Nobody tells me how to fucking drive. 

When are you doing your test again?

[camberwell gypsy]

19 minutes ago, King Billy said:

When are you doing your test again?

What test?

[King Billy]

3 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

What test?

Sorry Gypps I forgot you lot all use the same licence. The original must have had more copies made of it than the Statue of Liberty.

[camberwell gypsy]

2 minutes ago, King Billy said:

Sorry Gypps I forgot you lot all use the same licence. The original must have had more copies made of it than the Statue of Liberty.

I passed my driving test at the first attempt. In Accra. 

[King Billy]

4 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

I passed my driving test at the first attempt. In Accra. 

Driving test for pikeys is easy. 

1 Arrange to meet a bloke to buy a fake for £100

2 Turn up to meet bloke 3 hours late in Transit van with 7 kids, 4 dogs and 9 of your brothers and take possession of fake licence

3 Claim to have forgotten or lost the £100

4 Claim to have lost the licence when he asks for it back 

5 Offer to fight him for the £100

6 When he says he doesn’t want a fight crack him one on the jaw

7 When he gets up start to chase him round the transit van shouting indecipherable abuse at him 

8 Ask him if you could borrow £40 to get some diesel for the van

9 Take the £40 and give him another crack on the jaw for good luck

10 Proceed home to whatever cricket pitch or bowling green they call home this week, while laughing and discussing what an out of order cunt they just met.

Job done.

 

 

 

[Stubby Pecker]

4 hours ago, The Beast said:

It has been over a week since I subjected myself to this fucking thing, so traumatised , I now feel able to put something up.

No shortage of cunts, about forty, a wide variety, ranging from old dears to young men. 

One fog horned old Doris was mouthing off that it was the third time she had been on such a course. Clearly didn't garner anything from the previous two attendances, still thought the national speed limit for a car on a single carriage road is 70 mph.

One cockernee wide boy yapping on about his beamer, moaning he didn't deserve to be on the course, as in his pig shit ignorant view he had done fuck all wrong. I was hoping afterwards he would find his beloved shed in the car park with all the tyres fucking slashed and human excrement on the bonnet.

I had the ignominy of being sat next to Bullshit Bill, halitosis affected, wheezing cunt, gloating about how in a previous occupation delivering cars, he got caught by plod driving a Ferrari at 180 mph on the fucking A12.

Despite the fact I have dealt with the public for over 30 years, usually in a context where they need my help, I can't highlight fulsomely enough, that as a collective, they are unbearable fucking wankers. I'm glad I never have been selected for jury fucking service and have to spend an extended duration with other stupid fucking idiot cunts.

My only salvation, albeit a cunt in itself, is if I get another 3 point speeding fine in the next 3 years, I have to pay the fucking fine and won't be offered the option of a course.

 

 

Not only did you suffer the ignominy of forking out £47 quid for a new photo ID licence, you tight fisted bastard, but you managed to get caught speeding.

The family pecker mobile has a speed camera warning that interrupts the snail and the whale, for the umpteenth time, and sounds like a submarine sonar ping. Every time it goes off I yell "das boot herr cap i tan" further bemusing the stubblets and erking the long suffering mrs pecker 

[cuntspotter]

I did one of these in July.....it was interesting enough.  But I i was done for 34 in a 30 zone.....not such a fucking desperado.

[camberwell gypsy]

1 hour ago, King Billy said:

Driving test for pikeys is easy. 

1 Arrange to meet a bloke to buy a fake for £100

2 Turn up to meet bloke 3 hours late in Transit van with 7 kids, 4 dogs and 9 of your brothers and take possession of fake licence

3 Claim to have forgotten or lost the £100

4 Claim to have lost the licence when he asks for it back 

5 Offer to fight him for the £100

6 When he says he doesn’t want a fight crack him one on the jaw

7 When he gets up start to chase him round the transit van shouting indecipherable abuse at him 

8 Ask him if you could borrow £40 to get some diesel for the van

9 Take the £40 and give him another crack on the jaw for good luck

10 Proceed home to whatever cricket pitch or bowling green they call home this week, while laughing and discussing what an out of order cunt they just met.

Job done.

 

 

 

We asked Mrs Roops what she thought:

 

[Neil]

I've done one(I thought if you had done one then you couldn't do another?) and it was the most fucking tedious 5 hours ever spent.Sat there and did and said fuck all unlike the afore mentioned Brent alikes who seemed to treat it like an activity class where the biggest,most active cunt won a prize.The most ironic thing was mine was hosted by a woman,I wonder who parked her car for her that day.Cunt

[camberwell gypsy]

2 hours ago, Neil said:

I've done one(I thought if you had done one then you couldn't do another?) and it was the most fucking tedious 5 hours ever spent.Sat there and did and said fuck all unlike the afore mentioned Brent alikes who seemed to treat it like an activity class where the biggest,most active cunt won a prize.The most ironic thing was mine was hosted by a woman,I wonder who parked her car for her that day.Cunt

If everyone chose to have points on their license instead, these cunts will be out of work. Doesn't it still effect your insurance? 

[Guest Piston]

17 hours ago, cuntspotter said:

I did one of these in July.....it was interesting enough.  But I i was done for 34 in a 30 zone.....not such a fucking desperado.

Bollocks or what?

I got 33 mph 5 years back, so much for the '10%+1' rule.

Was it last year that one Chief Cuntstable declared that any speed in xs of the limit should be fully prosecuted.

So the genius wants drivers on busy streets to pay 100% to the speedo (anyy speed in xs...) rather than be looking out of the front window for jay walkers, or the Beast undertaking etc.

Fast tracking and diversity has fucked the brains out of UK policing.

 

PS Ever played I-spy by text with a friend driving elsewhere in the country? Harder than speeding but the buzz (esp. in court) is fair compensation

[Ape™️]

5 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

If everyone chose to have points on their license instead, these cunts will be out of work. Doesn't it still effect your insurance? 

I applied for new car insurance recently and was told I didn’t need to declare having attended a speed awareness course.