Birmingham Airport

[Guest luke swarm]

 Now generally airports on the whole are soulless and soul draining kinds of places with their imbecilic security checks, their hurry up and wait mentality and their "we can charge you what the fuck we like because where the fuck else you going to get a pint or a cup of tea you worthless fucking scrote" mind set.

But Birmingham Airport is truly exceptional as a shrine to the misery of air travel. It only has one terminal and in that terminal they cram as much misery as is humanly possible, the staff are thick as thickly minced mutton mince especially the cuntish uneducated security turds who feel that a belt or a pair of sketchers constitutes a threat and could bring down a A380 jumbo jet.

Then, the path to the departure area has to traverse the entire "duty free" emporium, no short cuts as the path weaves in a disorientating labyrinth of bright lights and alluring displays. You are obliged to trudge across the entire fucking glitzy overpowering perfume area with the over made up sales staff with their stiff unsmiling masks of slap and vagina red lipstick who attempt to spray you with noxious substances that smell like a whores handbag. Past the malt whiskies and designer bathtub gins that are pricier than the supermarkets and those weird Toblerone, Walkers shortbread and Schoko bombom area. Why shortbread, does anybody ever get a overwhelming desire to consume this dry overpriced shite before a flight. 

You finally emerge from this into a lounge where you can never find two seats together and the departures displays are just out of eyesight so you keep having to get up check the flight status. Want a coffee, then get a bank loan first, want to change money, fuck you we will stiff you good and proper you worthless cunt. How about some socks, fuck off.  

Even worse is Arrivals especially the baggage area, here Birmingham airport has spent zilch, its still shitty, dirty over crowded and downright embarrassing to the country , they have spunked all the money upstairs in departures and entirely neglected the rest. I hate Birmingham airport but hate the journey to London airports  and Manchester means going past Stoke so that's no better. Bag of Shite.       

    

 

  

[camberwell gypsy]

6 minutes ago, luke swarm said:

 Now generally airports on the whole are soulless and soul draining kinds of places with their imbecilic security checks, their hurry up and wait mentality and their "we can charge you what the fuck we like because where the fuck else you going to get a pint or a cup of tea you worthless fucking scrote" mind set.

But Birmingham Airport is truly exceptional as a shrine to the misery of air travel. It only has one terminal and in that terminal they cram as much misery as is humanly possible, the staff are thick as thickly minced mutton mince especially the cuntish uneducated security turds who feel that a belt or a pair of sketchers constitutes a threat and could bring down a A380 jumbo jet.

Then, the path to the departure area has to traverse the entire "duty free" emporium, no short cuts as the path weaves in a disorientating labyrinth of bright lights and alluring displays. You are obliged to trudge across the entire fucking glitzy overpowering perfume area with the over made up sales staff with their stiff unsmiling masks of slap and vagina red lipstick who attempt to spray you with noxious substances that smell like a whores handbag. Past the malt whiskies and designer bathtub gins that are pricier than the supermarkets and those weird Toblerone, Walkers shortbread and Schoko bombom area. Why shortbread, does anybody ever get a overwhelming desire to consume this dry overpriced shite before a flight. 

You finally emerge from this into a lounge where you can never find two seats together and the departures displays are just out of eyesight so you keep having to get up check the flight status. Want a coffee, then get a bank loan first, want to change money, fuck you we will stiff you good and proper you worthless cunt. How about some socks, fuck off.  

Even worse is Arrivals especially the baggage area, here Birmingham airport has spent zilch, its still shitty, dirty over crowded and downright embarrassing to the country , they have spunked all the money upstairs in departures and entirely neglected the rest. I hate Birmingham airport but hate the journey to London airports  and Manchester means going past Stoke so that's no better. Bag of Shite.       

    

 

  

Thank you to our travel correspondent Luke Swarm. Next week Luke will be back to report on his backpacking tour to Somalia (one for all you thick middle class twats out there). 

[Guest Lady Penelope]

21 minutes ago, luke swarm said:

 Manchester means going past Stoke so that's no better. Bag of Shite.      

Why don't you stop at Stoke Duck?

[Guest Manky]

Evidently, wearing bright red lipstick is a psychological ploy by women to look more alluring as it makes their gob look like a baboons saddlebags, or something like that.

Are the Birmingham Airport Air Traffic Controllers shipped in from distant parts?

"Birmingham Control, this is BA2109, are we clear to land?"

"Yow wi we, we yow, bostin' yow, wi yow"

"Fuck this, I'm diverting to Aleppo"

[Guest luke swarm]

22 hours ago, Lady Penelope said:

Why don't you stop at Stoke Duck?

I am sorry I have no clue as to where Stoke Duck is, is it near Stoke Poges

[Guest luke swarm]

1 hour ago, Manky said:

.

Are the Birmingham Airport Air Traffic Controllers shipped in from distant parts?

I believe so, just like most of the population of Brum, they are specially selected from a highly trained pool of people just east of Norwich.

 

.....About 5000 miles east and just over the Himalayas.

[Guest Manky]

3 hours ago, luke swarm said:

 

 

.....About 5000 miles east and just over the Himalayas.

That would be Tibet.  Large Yak shagging population in Brum?

I wouldn't like Tibet on it.

Still, the Yurt dwellers must hate living in a third world country, that is why they try to get out of Brum.

[Guest luke swarm]

55 minutes ago, Manky said:

That would be Tibet.  Large Yak shagging population in Brum?

I wouldn't like Tibet on it.

Still, the Yurt dwellers must hate living in a third world country, that is why they try to get out of Brum.

I see that you are as good at geography as you are at everything else, and that is not very good, however your other observation about shagging large hairy bovines is essentially correct, on a Friday and Saturday night it is possible to rope some large hairy yaks in and around the bars of Birmingham and copulate with them, mind you they must first be placated by offering them food in the form of a kebab with garlic sauce 

    

[Cuntybaws]

9 hours ago, luke swarm said:

Even worse is Arrivals especially the baggage area, here Birmingham airport has spent zilch, its still shitty, dirty over crowded and downright embarrassing to the country , they have spunked all the money upstairs in departures and entirely neglected the rest.

This can be explained by simple economics postulates. The demand to get out of Birmingham far outweighs the demand to arrive there. I'd draw you a production probability curve, but I'm on a mobile today I'm afraid. 

[Guest luke swarm]

7 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said:

This can be explained by simple economics postulates. The demand to get out of Birmingham far outweighs the demand to arrive there. I'd draw you a production probability curve, but I'm on a mobile today I'm afraid. 

well we must be thankful that you do not access to a computer today CB, and remember those postulates will only get worse if you keep on  scratching them. 

[Guest Stella Arsehole]

The speciality of Birmingham Airport has to be the  pre-flight cuisine specially the  Wetherspoons Chicken Tikka Masala and 10 pints of craft ale @ £1:20  a pint.

[Snowy]

Next time build your own airport we dont want your kind here..... fuck off.

[Wolfie]

3 hours ago, Stella Arsehole said:

The speciality of Birmingham Airport has to be the  pre-flight cuisine specially the  Wetherspoons Chicken Tikka Masala and 10 pints of craft ale @ £1:20  a pint.

Your coveted CC Knuckle-Dragger's crown is under threat, BDS.

[Guest luke swarm]

20 hours ago, Snowflake said:

Next time build your own airport we dont want your kind here..... fuck off.

I was most certainly glad to fuck off from there young Snowflake, as you seek to defend this cesspit of an airport I am assuming that you have never actually sampled its dubious delights. I suggest you stick to your annual  fortnight in Rhyl holidays departing from Digbeth station you stupid cunt.

[Witheredscrote]

23 hours ago, luke swarm said:

 Now generally airports on the whole are soulless and soul draining kinds of places with their imbecilic security checks, their hurry up and wait mentality and their "we can charge you what the fuck we like because where the fuck else you going to get a pint or a cup of tea you worthless fucking scrote" mind set.

But Birmingham Airport is truly exceptional as a shrine to the misery of air travel. It only has one terminal and in that terminal they cram as much misery as is humanly possible, the staff are thick as thickly minced mutton mince especially the cuntish uneducated security turds who feel that a belt or a pair of sketchers constitutes a threat and could bring down a A380 jumbo jet.

Then, the path to the departure area has to traverse the entire "duty free" emporium, no short cuts as the path weaves in a disorientating labyrinth of bright lights and alluring displays. You are obliged to trudge across the entire fucking glitzy overpowering perfume area with the over made up sales staff with their stiff unsmiling masks of slap and vagina red lipstick who attempt to spray you with noxious substances that smell like a whores handbag. Past the malt whiskies and designer bathtub gins that are pricier than the supermarkets and those weird Toblerone, Walkers shortbread and Schoko bombom area. Why shortbread, does anybody ever get a overwhelming desire to consume this dry overpriced shite before a flight. 

You finally emerge from this into a lounge where you can never find two seats together and the departures displays are just out of eyesight so you keep having to get up check the flight status. Want a coffee, then get a bank loan first, want to change money, fuck you we will stiff you good and proper you worthless cunt. How about some socks, fuck off.  

Even worse is Arrivals especially the baggage area, here Birmingham airport has spent zilch, its still shitty, dirty over crowded and downright embarrassing to the country , they have spunked all the money upstairs in departures and entirely neglected the rest. I hate Birmingham airport but hate the journey to London airports  and Manchester means going past Stoke so that's no better. Bag of Shite.       

    

 

  

A worthy nom Swarm, and greatly appreciated by me anyway.  I have given it a 'like',  which you will see is the only one to date. The rest of the mean minded, tight fisted cunts on here can go fuck their selves.

[Jiggerycock]

Handy if 'youm' want to 'goo' down the NEC though

[Guest Lady Penelope]

2 hours ago, Jiggerycock said:

Handy if 'youm' want to 'goo' down the NEC though

Is that in your NEC of the woods?

[Eric Cuntman]

8 hours ago, Witheredscrote said:

A worthy nom Swarm, and greatly appreciated by me anyway.  I have given it a 'like',  which you will see is the only one to date. The rest of the mean minded, tight fisted cunts on here can go fuck their selves.

Curmudgeonly old shitbag.

[Bubba C]

The only time I’ve ever flown out of this place was when I was heading to a stag do a few years back. 

Not really much I can add, as to me, everywhere looks pretty much the same after 8 pints of Stella and 6 gurners down the hatch. 

[Guest Wizardsleeve]

On 11/7/2017 at 3:28 AM, luke swarm said:

 Now generally airports on the whole are soulless and soul draining kinds of places with their imbecilic security checks, their hurry up and wait mentality and their "we can charge you what the fuck we like because where the fuck else you going to get a pint or a cup of tea you worthless fucking scrote" mind set.

But Birmingham Airport is truly exceptional as a shrine to the misery of air travel. It only has one terminal and in that terminal they cram as much misery as is humanly possible, the staff are thick as thickly minced mutton mince especially the cuntish uneducated security turds who feel that a belt or a pair of sketchers constitutes a threat and could bring down a A380 jumbo jet.

Then, the path to the departure area has to traverse the entire "duty free" emporium, no short cuts as the path weaves in a disorientating labyrinth of bright lights and alluring displays. You are obliged to trudge across the entire fucking glitzy overpowering perfume area with the over made up sales staff with their stiff unsmiling masks of slap and vagina red lipstick who attempt to spray you with noxious substances that smell like a whores handbag. Past the malt whiskies and designer bathtub gins that are pricier than the supermarkets and those weird Toblerone, Walkers shortbread and Schoko bombom area. Why shortbread, does anybody ever get a overwhelming desire to consume this dry overpriced shite before a flight. 

You finally emerge from this into a lounge where you can never find two seats together and the departures displays are just out of eyesight so you keep having to get up check the flight status. Want a coffee, then get a bank loan first, want to change money, fuck you we will stiff you good and proper you worthless cunt. How about some socks, fuck off.  

Even worse is Arrivals especially the baggage area, here Birmingham airport has spent zilch, its still shitty, dirty over crowded and downright embarrassing to the country , they have spunked all the money upstairs in departures and entirely neglected the rest. I hate Birmingham airport but hate the journey to London airports  and Manchester means going past Stoke so that's no better. Bag of Shite.       

    

 

  

You nailed it with that first sentiment.  All airports are exercises in shit cunt bastardry!  

[Snowy]

10 hours ago, luke swarm said:

I was most certainly glad to fuck off from there young Snowflake, as you seek to defend this cesspit of an airport I am assuming that you have never actually sampled its dubious delights. I suggest you stick to your annual  fortnight in Rhyl holidays departing from Digbeth station you stupid cunt.

Your right I havent frequented Birminghan airport in a good while neither do I give a fuck about the place.

It takes me a long time to save up the vouchers for the anual for the 9.50 holiday ill have you know.

[Stubby Pecker]

4 hours ago, Bubba C said:

The only time I’ve ever flown out of this place was when I was heading to a stag do a few years back. 

Not really much I can add, as to me, everywhere looks pretty much the same after 8 pints of Stella and 6 gurners down the hatch. 

Is gurners welshist for loads of spunk?