Peter Alliss RIP

[cuntspotter]

7 minutes ago, Wolfie said:

Frank is correct. Dr Altzheimer used to sit in for Dr Alzheimer when he went on holiday, who coincidentally shared similar names.

Unlike @Frank, neither was a remedial fucking oaf.

 

Reach out, Wolfski.....he needs you now.

[Frank]

30 minutes ago, cuntspotter said:

Reach out, Wolfski.....he needs you now.

Spot I haven't had taste or a sense of smell for over six weeks now. What the fuck is going on? And the other day I had such bad constipation, my left leg went numb. I had to use a faecal cleaver.

[Decimus]

25 minutes ago, Frank said:

Spot I haven't had taste or a sense of smell for over six weeks now. What the fuck is going on?

Cancer.

[Major Cunt]

17 hours ago, Decimus said:

Cancer.

He's had it about five times since I've been here. At least Withers doesn't moan about glowing florescent. In fact it probably aids in finding a goose in the winter months. 

Franco, nobody fucking cares. You're like the 50 year old hipster who cried wolf. I sincerely hope it's terminal...

Wanker. 

[Dyslexic cnut]

38 minutes ago, Major Cunt said:

He's had it about five times since I've been here. At least Withers doesn't moan about glowing florescent. In fact it probably aids in finding a goose in the winter months. 

Franco, nobody fucking cares you're like the 50 year old hipster who cried wolf. I sincerely hope it's terminal...

Wanker. 

Well Mrs Cnut’s concerned. On the anniversary of the death of a similar musical genius, news of Francis’ ailment(s) are of great concern to her.

[Major Cunt]

1 hour ago, Dyslexic cnut said:

Well Mrs Cnut’s concerned. On the anniversary of the death of a similar musical genius, news of Francis’ ailment(s) are of great concern to her.

Mr's C should be more concerned with dispensing the evening medication from your labeled box.

Don't worry about Frank as he's had more comebacks than Sinatra. He's merely playing the sympathy card for the thousandth time... 

[cuntspotter]

12 hours ago, Frank said:

Spot I haven't had taste or a sense of smell for over six weeks now. What the fuck is going on? And the other day I had such bad constipation, my left leg went numb. I had to use a faecal cleaver.

Times are hard , Frank.. no doubt! Have you tried prayer?

[Frank]

33 minutes ago, cuntspotter said:

Times are hard , Frank.. no doubt! Have you tried prayer?

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

[White Cunt]

1 hour ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

Served to pregnant women, mostly.

[Witheredscrote]

1 hour ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

Frank, you're full of shit.

[Major Cunt]

1 hour ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

Stool softeners, or more fibre in your diet. Unfortunately it comes with age, Franco, but taking it up the arse less might help... 

No need to thank me, obviously. 

[cuntspotter]

2 hours ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

I use it as an aperitif usually. As a sweetener in senna tea. I caution against the use of a coat hanger or other probing devices . They’ll leave your ring piece in rags and tatters. I am, of course reminded of the constipated mathematician who had to “work it out with a pencil”.

[Last Cunt Standing]

17 hours ago, Frank said:

Spot I haven't had taste or a sense of smell for over six weeks now. What the fuck is going on? And the other day I had such bad constipation, my left leg went numb. I had to use a faecal cleaver.

If I remember my mnemonic properly Francis, then one of the causes of anosmia is neurosyphillis. I’ll just leave that there. 

[cuntspotter]

3 minutes ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

If I remember my mnemonic properly Francis, then one of the causes of anosmia is neurosyphillis. I’ll just leave that there. 

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.... Hutchinson’s teeth...Argyll Robertson pupils...

[Stubby Pecker]

Shades of the old corner here.

Could Frank really be back? Wouldn't it be ironic if cancer took him from us just when his form was starting to pick up

[Eric Cuntman]

6 hours ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

Try morphine. That'll loosen you up. And plenty of boiled eggs.

[Guest Weary&Disgusted]

9 hours ago, Frank said:

It’s usually a coat hanger and a Waitrose bag, but last night I was on my knees in pain.. probably the closest I’ll ever be to prayer. I’ve been squeezing out these granite breeze blocks with tears in my eyes, anal fissures and arse bleeds for weeks, spotter. I’m practically split in two on every visit.  Any advice from a proper doctor on here will be much appreciated. What do you know about Lactulose? 

Good lord.  Try to include a bit more fruit in your diet, Frank.  Grapes and Bananas should help.  

[ChildeHarold]

1 hour ago, Weary&Disgusted said:

Good lord.  Try to include a bit more fruit in your diet, Frank.  Grapes and Bananas should help.  

Or shuv a four iron up your arse, twist it around a bit, take a good swing then return after a good wipe clean. 

[camberwell gypsy]

1 hour ago, ChildeHarold said:

Or shuv a four iron up your arse, twist it around a bit, take a good swing then return after a good wipe clean. 

You been talking to Punkape? 

[Frank]

5 hours ago, Weary&Disgusted said:

Good lord.  Try to include a bit more fruit in your diet, Frank.  Grapes and Bananas should help.  

I haven't been in great shape this year, Weary... body and mind. Since Ming died, apart from the odd Pad Thai, I mostly eat Yum Yums from M&S. Do you remember Ming?

[Frank]

12 hours ago, cuntspotter said:

I use it as an aperitif usually. As a sweetener in senna tea. I caution against the use of a coat hanger or other probing devices . They’ll leave your ring piece in rags and tatters. I am, of course reminded of the constipated mathematician who had to “work it out with a pencil”.

Spot if there's anyone on here who knows his shit, it's you. It's almost 2 in the morning and I've just woken up with the fattest cigar poking out of my bumhole. Cohiba Esplendidos. There's droplets of blood on the bathroom floor and I'm really fucking hot.

Spotter, you there?

[cuntspotter]

4 hours ago, Frank said:

Spot if there's anyone on here who knows his shit, it's you. It's almost 2 in the morning and I've just woken up with the fattest cigar poking out of my bumhole. Cohiba Esplendidos. There's droplets of blood on the bathroom floor and I'm really fucking hot.

Spotter, you there?

Take all your clothes off.....phone an ambulance....put lipstick on , when it arrives , receive them into you house whilst holding your bottle of lactulose......notify them of the Cohiba Esplendidos comparison and offer to show them....... clean the blood up later when you return from A and E . Don’t be afraid of the manual evacuation procedure.....they are well used to these things. The lipstick issue is quite important...you need to look your best.

[cuntspotter]

Just now, cuntspotter said:

Take all your clothes off.....phone an ambulance....put lipstick on , when it arrives , receive them into you house whilst holding your bottle of lactulose......notify them of the Cohiba Esplendidos comparison and offer to show them....... clean the blood up later when you return from A and E . Don’t be afraid of the manual evacuation procedure.....they are well used to these things. The lipstick issue is quite important...you need to look your best.

 

10 hours ago, Weary&Disgusted said:

Good lord.  Try to include a bit more fruit in your diet, Frank.  Grapes and Bananas should help.  

I suggest a bran muffin at breakfast time. Avoid dairy.

[Penny Farthing]

1 hour ago, cuntspotter said:

 

I suggest a bran muffin at breakfast time. Avoid dairy.

Also avoid the bananas.

[Guest Weary&Disgusted]

6 hours ago, Frank said:

I haven't been in great shape this year, Weary... body and mind. Since Ming died, apart from the odd Pad Thai, I mostly eat Yum Yums from M&S. Do you remember Ming?

Before my time, but I'm advised by detective Eric that Ming might have been one of your alter egos.  I hope this is true as I much prefer comedy to tragedy.